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Friday Funnies



The following compendium comes from a number of sources and hopefully you
too will have a chuckle

** Top 10 Father's Sayings **

10) "Do you think I'm made of money?"

9)  "You call that noise "music"?

8)  "Well, when you're a parent, you can do it too."

7)  "Don't wipe your hands on your pants!"

6)  "You're going out like THAT?"

5)  "No, we're not there yet."

4)  "I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's
father!"

3)  "Don't make me stop the car!"

2)  "You have things so easy!  When I was your age I had to walk to school
in TEN FEET of snow up hill BOTH ways!"

1)  "I'll tell you why.  Because I said so. That's why!"

________________________________________________________

Trueism of Life
1.  If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to
a garage makes you a mechanic.

4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10.  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11.  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12.  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13.  Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14.  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

15.  No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16.  A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17.  Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18.  Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19.  Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20.  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21.  Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22.  By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23.  Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24.  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25.  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon  will be able to
sample a new discount item - Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's
largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of  Modesto,
Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8
range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a  bottle of
Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a  market for
cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger
Williams University in Bristol, R.I. , "There is wine in a box that  people
are willing to buy, " she said. "The right name is  important."

The top 15 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

15.  Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White  Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10.  Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
09. NASCAbernet
08. Chef  Boyardeaux
07. Peanut Noir
06. Blue Light Special Nun
05.  Chateau des Moines
04. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
03. I  Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
02. World Championship  Wriesling

and the number 1 name for Walmart Wine. . .
01. Nasti  Spumante

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I
can't recall it. Please tell me what is your name."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes
she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do
you need to know?"

++++++++++++++++++++++
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class.  As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!"  As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once
again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But
please don't shove me either!"
                                ****
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"
                                ****
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."  The second boy says, "That's
nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
song, they give him $100."  The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
                            ****
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
                               ****
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"  He said, "Call for backup."
                               ****
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
                               ****
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that tells us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
                                 ****
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked,
"Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in
my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

++++++++++++++++++++

As that elegant raconteur Porky Pig would
"Badee, Badee, Badee that's all folks!"


Peter A. Kurilecz CRM, CA
Manager, Records Management Group
Woodside Summit Group Inc
Midlothian, Virginia
Office: 804-744-1247 x23
Fax: 804-744-4947
mailto:peter.kurilecz@woodsidesummitgroup.com

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