"SNOOPS"

                   by Charles Deemer

Winner, BLUUBIRD Theatre competition

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                         Place

          A front porch in a residential area.

 

                          Set

         2 rocking chairs, facing the audience.

 

                          Time

                      The present.

 

                       Characters

                     Henry, retired

                    Mabel, his wife


 

 

 

                         (AT RISE: A summer evening. HENRY

                         and MABEL, an elderly couple, sit

                         in rocking chairs on their front

                         porch, facing the audience.)

 

                         HENRY

You know what I miss, Mabel?

 

                         MABEL

Lightning bugs.

 

                         HENRY

           (disappointed)

Right.

 

                         MABEL

You say that every summer, Henry. For thirty years you've

been saying that.

 

                         HENRY

Have I?

 

                         MABEL

Ever since we moved west.

 

                         HENRY

Well, it's all I miss. I don't miss the pace back east. It's

more relaxed out here. Like I told that new fellow across

the street, it's the first difference he'll notice from New

York. It's more relaxed here. More live and let live. That's

what I told ... Bill. Was that his name?

 

                         MABEL

Bill, Billie, I couldn't say.

 

                         HENRY

He prefers Billy? He introduced himself as Bill.

 

                         MABEL

Billie with an i, e.

 

                         HENRY

I'm not following you, Mabel.

 

                         MABEL

He's a she. He walked in the house as a he, and he came out

thirty minutes later as a she.

 

                         HENRY

Who did?

 

                         MABEL

Bill, Billie.


                                                            2.

 

 

                         HENRY

What are you talking about?

 

                         MABEL

Not an hour ago, while you were watching television. He

drove in the driveway and went in. He even waved to me. What

a nice young man, I thought. What an asset to the

neighborhood, I thought. I'm so glad you helped him, I

thought.

 

                         HENRY

Of course I would help him. It would have taken him all

afternoon to unload by himself.

 

                         MABEL

Not thirty minutes later, a woman comes out, gets into the

car and drives off.

 

                         HENRY

He's married?

 

                         MABEL

Henry, you're not listening to me.

 

                         HENRY

His girlfriend? Is that why you're upset, they're living

together without being married? Times have changed, Mabel.

It's common today.

 

                         MABEL

It wasn't a woman. It was him. He's one of those

transvestuals.

 

                         HENRY

Bill?

 

                         MABEL

Billie, whatever. We have a transvestual in the neighborhood.

 

                         HENRY

Transvestite.

 

                         MABEL

Whatever. The point is, it isn't natural. This is not an

asset to the neighborhood.

 

                         HENRY

Well, it must be a miracle. Is that what you're saying?

 

                         MABEL

           (not following)

Henry?


                                                            3.

 

 

                         HENRY

If it's not natural, then it must be a miracle.

 

                         MABEL

It certainly is not a miracle. It's a little disgusting, if

you ask me.

 

                         HENRY

Either something is natural, or it isn't natural, and if it

isn't, if it goes against the laws of nature, then it's a

miracle. That's what a miracle is, Mabel. Something that

goes against the laws of nature.

 

                         MABEL

Are you defending him?

 

                         HENRY

I'm saying it's not that unusual. It's not a miracle at all.

 

                         MABEL

There's never been a transvestual in this neighborhood

before. Never.

 

                         HENRY

Transvestite. There's a first time for everything.

 

                         MABEL

Well, listen to Mr. Live and Let Live.

 

                         HENRY

Better a transvestite than a pedophile. Remember Mr.

Remington?

 

                         MABEL

Oh, my God! I didn't make the connection. Then we should

call the police.

 

                         HENRY

Dressing up isn't a crime, Mabel.

 

                         MABEL

That's what you call it? Dressing up?

 

                         HENRY

It does explain the hat boxes. When I helped him unload the

U-haul, he had all these hat boxes. I thought he'd gotten

divorced back there in New York, and his wife packed his

underwear or something in her old hat boxes. Felt light

enough. Maybe they were ladies hats. Was he wearing a hat?

 

                         MABEL

No, he wasn't. He was wearing a black cocktail dress. And

heels! Like he was going out on the town. Or she was.


                                                            4.

 

 

                         HENRY

To a club, I suppose.

 

                         MABEL

What club?

 

                         HENRY

I don't know specifically but they got clubs for that sort

of thing.

 

                         MABEL

How do you know that?

 

                         HENRY

It's common knowledge, Mabel.

 

                         MABEL

You've been to one, haven't you? I'm speechless.

 

                         HENRY

Mabel, calm down.

 

                         MABEL

When you used to go to those conventions. Strip clubs I

understand. But this ...

 

                         HENRY

Okay, once. We saw a stage show.

 

                         MABEL

Where?

 

                         HENRY

Chicago, I think.

 

                         MABEL

Don't tell me you don't remember.

 

                         HENRY

It was a long time ago. Chicago, I'm pretty sure.

 

                         MABEL

It makes me sick in my stomach just to think about it.

 

                         HENRY

Then don't.

 

                         MABEL

It's not natural.

 

                         HENRY

Call the Pope, he'll want to know about this.


                                                            5.

 

 

                         MABEL

He seemed like such a nice young man. Sunday, coming out in

a suit, I thought he was going to church. How nice to have a

Christian in the neighborhood, I thought.

 

                         HENRY

Maybe he was going to church.

 

                         MABEL

I doubt that very much, considering.

 

                         HENRY

Considering what?

 

                         MABEL

Unless they have their own churches, just like their own

clubs. Do you supposed they do?

 

                         HENRY

They call them Unitarians, Mabel.

 

                         MABEL

It's not natural.

 

                         HENRY

You keep saying that.

 

                         MABEL

I can't help the way I feel.

 

                         HENRY

You can give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

                         MABEL

I don't know how to do that, Henry.

 

                         HENRY

Pretend every day is Halloween. I'm serious. Remember,

fifteen, twenty years ago, you dressed up as Abraham Lincoln?

Did everybody go around calling you a transvestual? You were

quite a hit, as I recall.

 

                         MABEL

That was different.

 

                         HENRY

What was different about it?

 

                         MABEL

It was Halloween.

 

                         HENRY

Bingo.


                                                            6.

 

 

                         (A pause.)

 

                         MABEL

He's going to lower property values.

 

                         HENRY

Might be the opposite, Mabel. A whole bunch of them might

move in, they'll rename us Transvestual City, we'll become

known all over the country as a haven, why they'll be a

waiting list to move in here. Could be quite a windfall for

us. You said you wanted to move closer in to town.

 

                         MABEL

If we become Transvestual City, I certainly will want to move.

 

                         HENRY

Or dress up like Lincoln more often.

 

                         MABEL

You aren't taking this seriously, Henry.

 

                         HENRY

You're right, I'm not.

 

                         MABEL

I'm going inside.

 

                         HENRY

I'll be in in a bit.

 

                         (Mabel starts inside, moving slowly.

                         Before she is quite gone, Henry

                         starts waving with great energy:)

 

                         HENRY

Billie, yoohoo! Oh Billie!

 

                         (Mabel turns around in shock.)

 

                         HENRY

Just kidding, Abe.

 

                         (Mabel exits.)

 

                         HENRY

I'll be in directly.

 

                         (He watches the audience, rocking,

                         smiling. The play is over.)