"SNOOPS"
by Charles Deemer
Place
A front porch in a residential area.
Set
2 rocking chairs, facing the
audience.
Time
The present.
Characters
Henry, retired
Mabel, his wife
(AT RISE: A summer
evening. HENRY
and MABEL, an elderly
couple, sit
in rocking chairs on
their front
porch, facing the
audience.)
HENRY
You
know what I miss, Mabel?
MABEL
Lightning
bugs.
HENRY
(disappointed)
Right.
MABEL
You
say that every summer, Henry. For thirty years you've
been
saying that.
HENRY
Have
I?
MABEL
Ever
since we moved west.
HENRY
Well,
it's all I miss. I don't miss the pace back east. It's
more
relaxed out here. Like I told that new fellow across
the
street, it's the first difference he'll notice from New
York.
It's more relaxed here. More live and let live. That's
what
I told ... Bill. Was that his name?
MABEL
Bill,
Billie, I couldn't say.
HENRY
He
prefers Billy? He introduced himself as Bill.
MABEL
Billie
with an i, e.
HENRY
I'm
not following you, Mabel.
MABEL
He's
a she. He walked in the house as a he, and he came out
thirty
minutes later as a she.
HENRY
Who
did?
MABEL
Bill,
Billie.
2.
HENRY
What
are you talking about?
MABEL
Not
an hour ago, while you were watching television. He
drove
in the driveway and went in. He even waved to me. What
a
nice young man, I thought. What an asset to the
neighborhood,
I thought. I'm so glad you helped him, I
thought.
HENRY
Of
course I would help him. It would have taken him all
afternoon
to unload by himself.
MABEL
Not
thirty minutes later, a woman comes out, gets into the
car
and drives off.
HENRY
He's
married?
MABEL
Henry,
you're not listening to me.
HENRY
His
girlfriend? Is that why you're upset, they're living
together
without being married? Times have changed, Mabel.
It's
common today.
MABEL
It
wasn't a woman. It was him. He's one of those
transvestuals.
HENRY
Bill?
MABEL
Billie,
whatever. We have a transvestual in the neighborhood.
HENRY
Transvestite.
MABEL
Whatever.
The point is, it isn't natural. This is not an
asset
to the neighborhood.
HENRY
Well,
it must be a miracle. Is that what you're saying?
MABEL
(not following)
Henry?
3.
HENRY
If
it's not natural, then it must be a miracle.
MABEL
It
certainly is not a miracle. It's a little disgusting, if
you
ask me.
HENRY
Either
something is natural, or it isn't natural, and if it
isn't,
if it goes against the laws of nature, then it's a
miracle.
That's what a miracle is, Mabel. Something that
goes
against the laws of nature.
MABEL
Are
you defending him?
HENRY
I'm
saying it's not that unusual. It's not a miracle at all.
MABEL
There's
never been a transvestual in this neighborhood
before.
Never.
HENRY
Transvestite.
There's a first time for everything.
MABEL
Well,
listen to Mr. Live and Let Live.
HENRY
Better
a transvestite than a pedophile. Remember Mr.
Remington?
MABEL
Oh,
my God! I didn't make the connection. Then we should
call
the police.
HENRY
Dressing
up isn't a crime, Mabel.
MABEL
That's
what you call it? Dressing up?
HENRY
It
does explain the hat boxes. When I helped him unload the
U-haul,
he had all these hat boxes. I thought he'd gotten
divorced
back there in New York, and his wife packed his
underwear
or something in her old hat boxes. Felt light
enough.
Maybe they were ladies hats. Was he wearing a hat?
MABEL
No,
he wasn't. He was wearing a black cocktail dress. And
heels!
Like he was going out on the town. Or she was.
4.
HENRY
To
a club, I suppose.
MABEL
What
club?
HENRY
I
don't know specifically but they got clubs for that sort
of
thing.
MABEL
How
do you know that?
HENRY
It's
common knowledge, Mabel.
MABEL
You've
been to one, haven't you? I'm speechless.
HENRY
Mabel,
calm down.
MABEL
When
you used to go to those conventions. Strip clubs I
understand.
But this ...
HENRY
Okay,
once. We saw a stage show.
MABEL
Where?
HENRY
Chicago,
I think.
MABEL
Don't
tell me you don't remember.
HENRY
It
was a long time ago. Chicago, I'm pretty sure.
MABEL
It
makes me sick in my stomach just to think about it.
HENRY
Then
don't.
MABEL
It's
not natural.
HENRY
Call
the Pope, he'll want to know about this.
5.
MABEL
He
seemed like such a nice young man. Sunday, coming out in
a
suit, I thought he was going to church. How nice to have a
Christian
in the neighborhood, I thought.
HENRY
Maybe
he was going to church.
MABEL
I
doubt that very much, considering.
HENRY
Considering
what?
MABEL
Unless
they have their own churches, just like their own
clubs.
Do you supposed they do?
HENRY
They
call them Unitarians, Mabel.
MABEL
It's
not natural.
HENRY
You
keep saying that.
MABEL
I
can't help the way I feel.
HENRY
You
can give him the benefit of the doubt.
MABEL
I
don't know how to do that, Henry.
HENRY
Pretend
every day is Halloween. I'm serious. Remember,
fifteen,
twenty years ago, you dressed up as Abraham Lincoln?
Did
everybody go around calling you a transvestual? You were
quite
a hit, as I recall.
MABEL
That
was different.
HENRY
What
was different about it?
MABEL
It
was Halloween.
HENRY
Bingo.
6.
(A pause.)
MABEL
He's
going to lower property values.
HENRY
Might
be the opposite, Mabel. A whole bunch of them might
move
in, they'll rename us Transvestual City, we'll become
known
all over the country as a haven, why they'll be a
waiting
list to move in here. Could be quite a windfall for
us.
You said you wanted to move closer in to town.
MABEL
If
we become Transvestual City, I certainly will want to move.
HENRY
Or
dress up like Lincoln more often.
MABEL
You
aren't taking this seriously, Henry.
HENRY
You're
right, I'm not.
MABEL
I'm
going inside.
HENRY
I'll
be in in a bit.
(Mabel starts inside,
moving slowly.
Before she is quite
gone, Henry
starts waving with great energy:)
HENRY
Billie,
yoohoo! Oh Billie!
(Mabel turns around
in shock.)
HENRY
Just
kidding, Abe.
(Mabel exits.)
HENRY
I'll
be in directly.
(He watches the
audience, rocking,
smiling. The play is
over.)