ROOTING FOR THE HOME TEAM
by Charles Deemer
(AT RISE: A playground basketball court.
The ACTOR is portraying the hoop - his
arms form the hoop and perhaps the net
hangs from them like long sleeves. He is
standing on a box. He has a referee's
whistle in his mouth.)
(KATIE is bouncing a basketball,
imagining in her mind a tense moment at
the end of a game.)
(NOTE: KATIE'S EGO can be presented in
several ways, at the director's
discretion. Katie herself can say the
lines. They can be pre-recorded in
Katie's voice or in the voice of another
actor. Or the lines can be spoken by an
off-stage actor using a mic, with the
speaker appropriately placed.)
KATIE'S EGO
Less than a minute to go, ladies and gentlemen.
Katie's All Stars trail by just one point. And
Katie has the ball. The home team crowd is behind
her all the way. Listen to them cheering for her.
(Katie stops a minute, thinking. She
gets an idea.)
KATIE'S EGO
Listen to them cheering for her!
(Katie grabs the ball and runs up an
aisle into the audience. She turns to
the stage and starts chanting:)
KATIE
Go, Katie! Go, Katie! Go, Katie!
(Katie runs back on stage.)
KATIE'S EGO
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the home town crowd is
behind Katie all the way. She is dribbling now,
looking for someone to pass to. Looking for a
shot. Looking for an opening.
(Katie dribbles, back and forth, behind
the key. Suddenly:)
KATIE'S EGO
Katie's driving for a shot!
(Katie grabs the ball and runs without
dribbling to the basket. She stops and
carefully puts in a dunk.)
KATIE'S EGO
Katie scores! Katie drives all the way to the
basket and dunks it! Katie's All Stars win!
Katie wins the game!
(Katie is jumping around the court,
celebrating, and it takes her some time
to understand that someone has been
BLOWING A WHISTLE.)
(Hearing the whistle, she stops. Where
is it coming from? It seems to be coming
from the basket. Which indeed it is.
The MAN, who has been blowing the
whistle, comes to life.)
MAN
No basket! No basket!
KATIE
It was, too!
MAN
No basket! Double dribble! Double dribble twice,
as a matter of fact.
KATIE
No way!
MAN
Once when you ran into the audience, and once when
you ran to the basket.
KATIE
You're just a dumb old basket, what do you know?
MAN
I'm not just a dumb old basket. I caught you
cheating, didn't I?
KATIE
How come you can talk?
MAN
I can talk because I'm looking out for you.
KATIE
If you were looking out for me, you'd celebrate
because I won the game!
MAN
Basket doesn't count! The other team takes it out
with twenty seconds remaining.
KATIE
No way.
MAN
Sorry, rules are rules.
KATIE
Twenty seconds remaining?
MAN
That's what the clock says.
KATIE
What clock?
MAN
The clock in my head.
KATIE
Okay, go back and be a basket again. I still can
win the game.
MAN
Okay, we'll see.
(He gets back in position as a basket.)
KATIE
I'll play defense.
(She sets the ball on the ground and gets
in an active defensive position, guarding
an imaginary player.)
KATIE'S EGO
Twenty seconds left, and the Dumb Bells have the
ball. But wait a minute! Katie steals the ball!
(Katie picks up the ball and starts
dribbling.)
KATIE'S EGO
She's driving to the basket!
(Katie carefully dribbles to the basket.)
KATIE'S EGO
Nobody can stop her! Katie dribbles to the basket
- not a chance for double dribble this time - and
now she's going up for a shot!
(Katie is next to the basket and getting
ready a shot. But at the last minute the
man grabs the ball and throws it off -
the shot is no good!)
MAN
Katie misses an easy lay in! Can you believe it?
And time has run out! The Dumb Bells win the
game! The Dumb Bells win!
(Now the man is running around the court
in celebration. Watching, Katie starts
pouting.)
MAN
Dumb Bells win! Dumb Bells win! Dumb Bells, Dumb
Bells! Rah rah rah!
(His celebrating draws him close to
Katie.)
MAN
Don't tell me you're a bad sport.
KATIE
You cheated! You took the ball away from me.
MAN
Now the shoe's on the other foot, isn't it?
KATIE
It was an easy shot, and it would've gone in if
you didn't cheat.
MAN
Listen to Little Miss Double Dribble complain
about breaking the rules.
(MUSIC comes up and he SINGS:)
MAN
IN THE GAME OF LIFE / THERE ARE MANY RULES / AND
SOME WERE MADE BY WISE MEN / AND SOME WERE MADE BY
FOOLS / WHEN SOMETHING CAUSES STRIFE / SOME OTHER
GETS THE BLAME / WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG /
IT'S NEVER QUITE THE SAME
MAN AND KATIE
IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S HIS
AND ALSO HERS / I'M SUCH A LITTLE PERFECT CHILD /
I'M SO POLITE AND NEVER WILD / I'VE NEVER DONE A
THING THAT'S WRONG / IT'S NOT MY FAULT AT ALL
KATIE
I LOVE BASKETBALL / I LOVE TO MAKE THE SHOTS / I
LOVE TO DRIBBLE TO THE HOOP / AND DRIVE WITH ALL
I'VE GOT / I LOVE TO HEAR THE CROWD / CHEERING
JUST FOR ME / AND IF I BREAK A RULE OR TWO / THEY
STILL WILL SHOUT, "KATIE!"
MAN AND KATIE
IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S HIS
AND ALSO HERS / I'M SUCH A LITTLE PERFECT CHILD /
I'M SO POLITE AND NEVER WILD / I'VE NEVER DONE A
THING THAT'S WRONG / IT'S NOT MY FAULT AT ALL
(A variation in the tune:)
MAN
THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO
ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S
THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS
THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF
AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU
SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME /
YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?
MAN AND KATIE
IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S HIS
AND ALSO HERS / I'M SUCH A LITTLE PERFECT CHILD /
I'M SO POLITE AND NEVER WILD / I'VE NEVER DONE A
THING THAT'S WRONG / IT'S NOT MY FAULT AT ALL
MAN
I think we should give this another try. I won't
cheat if you don't cheat. A deal?
KATIE
How much time is left?
MAN
We'll start from the top. A minute left in the
game.
KATIE
All right!
MAN
And no cheating!
KATIE
I don't have to cheat to win.
MAN
That's the spirit!
(Katie gets the ball and starts
dribbling. The man gets back into
position as the basket.)
KATIE'S EGO
A minute left in this championship game, ladies
and gentlemen. The Dumb Bells have a one point
lead--...
(Suddenly the man blows the whistle.)
KATIE
Now what's wrong?
MAN
What kind of name is Dumb Bells? You can do
better than that. Show a little respect for the
opposition. The better they are, the more honor
it is to play them.
KATIE
Okay, sorry.
KATIE'S EGO
One minute left, and Mr. Hoop's All Stars have a
one point lead over Katie's All Stars. But Katie
has the ball! Dribbling now across midcourt,
looking for an opening, looking for a shot...
(Man blows the whistle again.)
KATIE
Now what's the matter?
MAN
You were fouled.
KATIE
I was?
MAN
Step up to the line. The situation is one and
one.
(The Man gets reset as the hoop. Katie
goes to the free throw line.)
(NOTE: Now the script will branch
depending on whether or not Katie makes
the free throw shots. It's the same
ending, but the set up is a bit
different. There are three
possibilities: 1. Katie misses the first
shot; 2. Katie makes the first shot and
misses the second shot; 3. Katie makes
the first shot and also makes the second
shot. Each ending, quickly leading to
the same sequence of lines, is given
below.)
-------
SITUATION ONE: KATIE MISSES THE FIRST
SHOT
MAN
No good! Mr. Hoop's All Stars get the ball out of
bounds. Hoop's ball with a one point lead.
KATIE
How much time is left?
MAN
Thirty seconds.
KATIE
I'll play the best defense you ever saw.
(She puts down the ball and gets into a
defensive posture.)
KATIE'S EGO
Mr. Hoop's All Stars are trying to kill the clock
... but Katie steals the ball! Katie steals the
ball!
KATIE
I think I'm supposed to steal the ball now.
MAN
Then steal it, before time runs out!
(Katie picks up the ball and dribbles in
for a close shot - and she easily makes
it!)
MAN
Katie's All Stars win!
KATIE
I win! I win!
(Man starts blowing whistle.)
KATIE
I didn't foul! I didn't double dribble!
MAN
But you said, "I win." *I* win? What about your
four teammates?
(Katie looks around, seeing no one.)
KATIE
You're coo-coo.
MAN
Am I the one who cheats when no one is looking?
I'm asking if your teammates deserve a little
credit here.
KATIE
Okay, yes. WE win. Is that better?
MAN
Yes! The team wins!
(He runs up the aisle into the audience.)
MAN
Kay-tie! Kay-tie!
(He runs back and grabs Katie's hand.)
KATIE
Where are we going?
MAN
To the press conference!
(They SING, exiting.)
MAN AND KATIE
THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO
ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S
THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS
THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF
AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU
SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME /
YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?
THE END
------
SITUATION TWO: KATIE MAKES THE FIRST SHOT
AND MISSES THE SECOND.
(Katie shoots and makes the first shot.)
MAN
It's good! The game is tied. You get one shot to
win it.
(She shoots again - and misses.)
MAN
She misses! Mr. Hoop's All Stars get the ball
with the game tied! It looks like overtime,
folks.
KATIE
How much time is left?
MAN
Thirty seconds.
KATIE
I'll play the best defense you ever saw.
(She puts the ball down and gets into a
defensive posture.)
KATIE'S EGO
Mr. Hoop's All Stars are trying to kill the clock
... but Katie steals the ball! Katie steals the
ball!
KATIE
I think I'm supposed to steal the ball now.
MAN
Then steal it, before time runs out!
(Katie gets the ball and dribbles in for
a close shot - and she easily makes it!)
MAN
Katie's All Stars win!
KATIE
I win! I win!
(Man starts blowing whistle.)
KATIE
I didn't foul! I didn't double dribble!
MAN
But you said, "I win." *I* win? What about your
four teammates?
(Katie looks around, seeing no one.)
KATIE
You're coo-coo.
MAN
Am I the one who cheats when no one is looking?
I'm asking if your teammates deserve a little
credit here.
KATIE
Okay, yes. WE win. Is that better?
MAN
Yes! The team wins!
(He runs up the aisle into the audience.)
MAN
Kay-tie! Kay-tie!
(He runs back and grabs Katie's hand.)
KATIE
Where are we going?
MAN
To the press conference!
(They SING, exiting.)
MAN AND KATIE
THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO
ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S
THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS
THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF
AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU
SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME /
YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?
THE END
----
SITUATION THREE: KATIE SHOOTS AND MAKES
THE FIRST SHOT AND THE SECOND SHOT
(She makes the first.)
MAN
It's good! The game is tied. You get one shot to
win it.
(And she shoots and makes the second.)
MAN
Katie's All Stars win!
KATIE
I win! I win!
(Man starts blowing whistle.)
KATIE
I didn't foul! I didn't double dribble!
MAN
But you said, "I win." *I* win? What about your
four teammates?
(Katie looks around, seeing no one.)
KATIE
You're coo-coo.
MAN
Am I the one who cheats when no one is looking?
I'm asking if your teammates deserve a little
credit here.
KATIE
Okay, yes. WE win. Is that better?
MAN
Yes! The team wins!
(He runs up the aisle into the audience.)
MAN
Kay-tie! Kay-tie!
(He runs back and grabs Katie's hand.)
KATIE
Where are we going?
MAN
To the press conference!
(They SING, exiting.)
MAN AND KATIE
THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO
ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S
THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS
THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF
AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU
SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME /
YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?
THE END
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