ROOTING FOR THE HOME TEAM
by Charles Deemer


          (AT RISE: A playground basketball court.  
          The ACTOR is portraying the hoop - his 
          arms form the hoop and perhaps the net 
          hangs from them like long sleeves.  He is 
          standing on a box.  He has a referee's 
          whistle in his mouth.) 
            (KATIE is bouncing a basketball, 
          imagining in her mind a tense moment at 
          the end of a game.) 
            (NOTE: KATIE'S EGO can be presented in 
          several ways, at the director's 
          discretion.  Katie herself can say the 
          lines.  They can be pre-recorded in 
          Katie's voice or in the voice of another 
          actor.  Or the lines can be spoken by an 
          off-stage actor using a mic, with the 
          speaker appropriately placed.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Less than a minute to go, ladies and gentlemen.  
                         Katie's All Stars trail by just one point.  And 
                         Katie has the ball.  The home team crowd is behind 
                         her all the way.  Listen to them cheering for her. 
            (Katie stops a minute, thinking.  She 
          gets an idea.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Listen to them cheering for her! 
            (Katie grabs the ball and runs up an 
          aisle into the audience.  She turns to 
          the stage and starts chanting:) 
                                            KATIE 
                         Go, Katie!  Go, Katie!  Go, Katie! 
            (Katie runs back on stage.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the home town crowd is 
                         behind Katie all the way.  She is dribbling now, 
                         looking for someone to pass to.  Looking for a 
                         shot.  Looking for an opening. 
            (Katie dribbles, back and forth, behind 
          the key.  Suddenly:) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Katie's driving for a shot! 
            (Katie grabs the ball and runs without 
          dribbling to the basket.  She stops and 
          carefully puts in a dunk.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Katie scores!  Katie drives all the way to the 
                         basket and dunks it!  Katie's All Stars win!  
                         Katie wins the game! 
            (Katie is jumping around the court, 
          celebrating, and it takes her some time 
          to understand that someone has been 
          BLOWING A WHISTLE.) 
            (Hearing the whistle, she stops.  Where 
          is it coming from?  It seems to be coming 
          from the basket.  Which indeed it is.  
          The MAN, who has been blowing the 
          whistle, comes to life.) 
                                            MAN 
                         No basket!  No basket! 
                                            KATIE 
                         It was, too! 
                                            MAN 
                         No basket!  Double dribble!  Double dribble twice, 
                         as a matter of fact. 
                                            KATIE 
                         No way! 
                                            MAN 
                         Once when you ran into the audience, and once when 
                         you ran to the basket. 
                                            KATIE 
                         You're just a dumb old basket, what do you know? 
                                            MAN 
                         I'm not just a dumb old basket.  I caught you 
                         cheating, didn't I? 
                                            KATIE 
                         How come you can talk? 
                                            MAN 
                         I can talk because I'm looking out for you. 
                                            KATIE 
                         If you were looking out for me, you'd celebrate 
                         because I won the game! 
                                            MAN 
                         Basket doesn't count!  The other team takes it out 
                         with twenty seconds remaining. 
                                            KATIE 
                         No way. 
                                            MAN 
                         Sorry, rules are rules.   
                                            KATIE 
                         Twenty seconds remaining? 
                                            MAN 
                         That's what the clock says. 
                                            KATIE 
                         What clock? 
                                            MAN 
                         The clock in my head. 
                                            KATIE 
                         Okay, go back and be a basket again.  I still can 
                         win the game. 
                                            MAN 
                         Okay, we'll see. 
            (He gets back in position as a basket.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         I'll play defense. 
            (She sets the ball on the ground and gets 
          in an active defensive position, guarding 
          an imaginary player.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Twenty seconds left, and the Dumb Bells have the 
                         ball.  But wait a minute!  Katie steals the ball! 
            (Katie picks up the ball and starts 
          dribbling.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         She's driving to the basket! 
            (Katie carefully dribbles to the basket.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Nobody can stop her!  Katie dribbles to the basket 
                         - not a chance for double dribble this time - and 
                         now she's going up for a shot! 
            (Katie is next to the basket and getting 
          ready a shot.  But at the last minute the 
          man grabs the ball and throws it off - 
          the shot is no good!) 
                                            MAN 
                         Katie misses an easy lay in!  Can you believe it?  
                         And time has run out!  The Dumb Bells win the 
                         game!  The Dumb Bells win! 
            (Now the man is running around the court 
          in celebration.  Watching, Katie starts 
          pouting.) 
                                            MAN 
                         Dumb Bells win!  Dumb Bells win!  Dumb Bells, Dumb 
                         Bells!  Rah rah rah! 
            (His celebrating draws him close to 
          Katie.) 
                                            MAN 
                         Don't tell me you're a bad sport. 
                                            KATIE 
                         You cheated!  You took the ball away from me. 
                                            MAN 
                          
                         Now the shoe's on the other foot, isn't it? 
                                            KATIE 
                         It was an easy shot, and it would've gone in if 
                         you didn't cheat. 
                                            MAN 
                         Listen to Little Miss Double Dribble complain 
                         about breaking the rules. 
            (MUSIC comes up and he SINGS:) 
                                            MAN 
                         IN THE GAME OF LIFE / THERE ARE MANY RULES / AND 
                         SOME WERE MADE BY WISE MEN / AND SOME WERE MADE BY 
                         FOOLS / WHEN SOMETHING CAUSES STRIFE / SOME OTHER 
                         GETS THE BLAME / WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG / 
                         IT'S NEVER QUITE THE SAME  
                                            MAN AND KATIE 
                         IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S HIS 
                         AND ALSO HERS / I'M SUCH A LITTLE PERFECT CHILD / 
                         I'M SO POLITE AND NEVER WILD / I'VE NEVER DONE A 
                         THING THAT'S WRONG / IT'S NOT MY FAULT AT ALL 
                                            KATIE 
                         I LOVE BASKETBALL / I LOVE TO MAKE THE SHOTS / I 
                         LOVE TO DRIBBLE TO THE HOOP / AND DRIVE WITH ALL 
                         I'VE GOT / I LOVE TO HEAR THE CROWD / CHEERING 
                         JUST FOR ME / AND IF I BREAK A RULE OR TWO / THEY 
                         STILL WILL SHOUT, "KATIE!" 
                                            MAN AND KATIE 
                         IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S HIS 
                         AND ALSO HERS / I'M SUCH A LITTLE PERFECT CHILD / 
                         I'M SO POLITE AND NEVER WILD / I'VE NEVER DONE A 
                         THING THAT'S WRONG / IT'S NOT MY FAULT AT ALL 
            (A variation in the tune:) 
             
                                            MAN 
                         THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO 
                         ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S 
                         THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS 
                         THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF 
                         AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU 
                         SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME / 
                         YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?  
                                            MAN AND KATIE 
                         IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S NOT MY FAULT / IT'S HIS 
                         AND ALSO HERS / I'M SUCH A LITTLE PERFECT CHILD / 
                         I'M SO POLITE AND NEVER WILD / I'VE NEVER DONE A 
                         THING THAT'S WRONG / IT'S NOT MY FAULT AT ALL 
                                            MAN 
                         I think we should give this another try.  I won't 
                         cheat if you don't cheat.  A deal? 
                                            KATIE 
                         How much time is left? 
                                            MAN 
                         We'll start from the top.  A minute left in the 
                         game. 
                                            KATIE 
                         All right! 
                                            MAN 
                         And no cheating! 
                                            KATIE 
                         I don't have to cheat to win. 
                                            MAN 
                         That's the spirit! 
            (Katie gets the ball and starts 
          dribbling.  The man gets back into 
          position as the basket.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         A minute left in this championship game, ladies 
                         and gentlemen.  The Dumb Bells have a one point 
                         lead--... 
            (Suddenly the man blows the whistle.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         Now what's wrong? 
                                            MAN 
                         What kind of name is Dumb Bells?  You can do 
                         better than that.  Show a little respect for the 
                         opposition.  The better they are, the more honor 
                         it is to play them. 
                                            KATIE 
                         Okay, sorry. 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         One minute left, and Mr. Hoop's All Stars have a 
                         one point lead over Katie's All Stars.  But Katie 
                         has the ball!  Dribbling now across midcourt, 
                         looking for an opening, looking for a shot... 
            (Man blows the whistle again.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         Now what's the matter? 
                                            MAN 
                         You were fouled. 
                                            KATIE 
                         I was? 
                                            MAN 
                         Step up to the line.  The situation is one and 
                         one. 
            (The Man gets reset as the hoop.  Katie 
          goes to the free throw line.) 
            (NOTE: Now the script will branch 
          depending on whether or not Katie makes 
          the free throw shots.  It's the same 
          ending, but the set up is a bit 
          different.  There are three 
          possibilities: 1. Katie misses the first 
          shot; 2. Katie makes the first shot and 
          misses the second shot; 3. Katie makes 
          the first shot and also makes the second 
          shot.  Each ending, quickly leading to 
          the same sequence of lines, is given 
          below.) 
             
            ------- 
            SITUATION ONE: KATIE MISSES THE FIRST 
          SHOT 
                                            MAN 
                         No good!  Mr. Hoop's All Stars get the ball out of 
                         bounds.  Hoop's ball with a one point lead. 
                                            KATIE 
                         How much time is left? 
                                            MAN 
                         Thirty seconds. 
                                            KATIE 
                         I'll play the best defense you ever saw. 
            (She puts down the ball and gets into a 
          defensive posture.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Mr. Hoop's All Stars are trying to kill the clock 
                         ... but Katie steals the ball!  Katie steals the 
                         ball! 
                                            KATIE 
                         I think I'm supposed to steal the ball now. 
                                            MAN 
                         Then steal it, before time runs out! 
            (Katie picks up the ball and dribbles in 
          for a close shot - and she easily makes 
          it!) 
                                            MAN 
                         Katie's All Stars win!   
                                            KATIE 
                         I win! I win! 
            (Man starts blowing whistle.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         I didn't foul!  I didn't double dribble! 
                                            MAN 
                         But you said, "I win."  *I* win?  What about your 
                         four teammates? 
            (Katie looks around, seeing no one.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         You're coo-coo. 
                                            MAN 
                         Am I the one who cheats when no one is looking?  
                         I'm asking if your teammates deserve a little 
                         credit here. 
                                            KATIE 
                         Okay, yes.  WE win.  Is that better? 
                                            MAN 
                         Yes!  The team wins!   
            (He runs up the aisle into the audience.) 
                                            MAN 
                         Kay-tie!  Kay-tie! 
            (He runs back and grabs Katie's hand.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         Where are we going? 
                                            MAN 
                         To the press conference! 
            (They SING, exiting.) 
                                            MAN AND KATIE 
                         THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO 
                         ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S 
                         THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS 
                         THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF 
                         AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU 
                         SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME / 
                         YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?  
            THE END 
            ------ 
            SITUATION TWO: KATIE MAKES THE FIRST SHOT 
          AND MISSES THE SECOND. 
            (Katie shoots and makes the first shot.) 
                                            MAN 
                         It's good!  The game is tied.  You get one shot to 
                         win it. 
            (She shoots again - and misses.) 
                                            MAN 
                         She misses!  Mr. Hoop's All Stars get the ball 
                         with the game tied!  It looks like overtime, 
                         folks. 
                                            KATIE 
                         How much time is left? 
                                            MAN 
                         Thirty seconds. 
                                            KATIE 
                         I'll play the best defense you ever saw. 
            (She puts the ball down and gets into a 
          defensive posture.) 
                                            KATIE'S EGO 
                         Mr. Hoop's All Stars are trying to kill the clock 
                         ... but Katie steals the ball!  Katie steals the 
                         ball! 
                                            KATIE 
                         I think I'm supposed to steal the ball now. 
                                            MAN 
                         Then steal it, before time runs out! 
            (Katie gets the ball and dribbles in for 
          a close shot - and she easily makes it!) 
                                            MAN 
                         Katie's All Stars win!   
                                            KATIE 
                         I win! I win! 
            (Man starts blowing whistle.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         I didn't foul!  I didn't double dribble! 
                                            MAN 
                         But you said, "I win."  *I* win?  What about your 
                         four teammates? 
            (Katie looks around, seeing no one.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         You're coo-coo. 
                                            MAN 
                         Am I the one who cheats when no one is looking?  
                         I'm asking if your teammates deserve a little 
                         credit here. 
                                            KATIE 
                         Okay, yes.  WE win.  Is that better? 
                                            MAN 
                         Yes!  The team wins!   
            (He runs up the aisle into the audience.) 
                                            MAN 
                         Kay-tie!  Kay-tie! 
            (He runs back and grabs Katie's hand.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         Where are we going? 
                                            MAN 
                         To the press conference! 
            (They SING, exiting.) 
                                            MAN AND KATIE 
                         THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO 
                         ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S 
                         THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS 
                         THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF 
                         AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU 
                         SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME / 
                         YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?  
            THE END 
            ---- 
            SITUATION THREE: KATIE SHOOTS AND MAKES 
          THE FIRST SHOT AND THE SECOND SHOT 
            (She makes the first.) 
                                            MAN 
                         It's good!  The game is tied.  You get one shot to 
                         win it. 
            (And she shoots and makes the second.) 
                                            MAN 
                         Katie's All Stars win!   
                                            KATIE 
                         I win! I win! 
            (Man starts blowing whistle.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         I didn't foul!  I didn't double dribble! 
                                            MAN 
                         But you said, "I win."  *I* win?  What about your 
                         four teammates? 
            (Katie looks around, seeing no one.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         You're coo-coo. 
                                            MAN 
                         Am I the one who cheats when no one is looking?  
                         I'm asking if your teammates deserve a little 
                         credit here. 
                                            KATIE 
                         Okay, yes.  WE win.  Is that better? 
                                            MAN 
                         Yes!  The team wins!   
            (He runs up the aisle into the audience.) 
                                            MAN 
                         Kay-tie!  Kay-tie! 
            (He runs back and grabs Katie's hand.) 
                                            KATIE 
                         Where are we going? 
                                            MAN 
                         To the press conference! 
            (They SING, exiting.) 
             
                                            MAN AND KATIE 
                         THIS MAY SEEM A SMALL AFFAIR / TO CHEAT WHEN NO 
                         ONE ELSE IS THERE / FOR WHO'S TO KNOW IF NO ONE'S 
                         THERE? // BUT LOOK AROUND AND THINK AGAIN / WHO IS 
                         THERE? YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! / RESPECT YOURSELF 
                         AND THINK AGAIN // YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU 
                         SEE? / AND THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN CHEATING ME / 
                         YOU CHEAT YOURSELF, DON'T YOU SEE?  
            THE END 
            -----