THE BUDDHA CHILD
by Charles Deemer
AT RISE: a mountain top. The
BUDDHA CHILD is in meditation on a
blanket. Perhaps there is an
umbrella or lean-to to protect her
from the sun. Otherwise, the
mountain-top campsite has only a
few bare essentials.
The ADULT enters after an
exhausting hike to the mountain
top. S/he looks like a caricature
of a hiker, who is carrying far
more than is necessary. His or her
appearance suggests Designer Hiking
Gear.
ADULT
The summit! Incredible!
S/he takes off a backpack, then
moves toward the audience to take
in the view. S/he speaks to the
audience.
ADULT
I have been on this darn trail for days! My cousin made the
pilgrimage to meditate with the Buddha Child last year - and
this year she was the top real estate salesperson in her
area! And chosen district sales manager to boot! Now that's
what I call getting results.
S/he turns and notices, for the
first time, the Buddha Child in
meditation.
Turning, to the audience:
ADULT
Isn't she adorable? I had no idea!
S/he carefully approaches the
Buddha Child. S/he makes a throat-
clearing sound.
ADULT
Excuse me?
No reply.
ADULT
Are you meditating?
The Buddha Child starts blowing a
bubble from gum. It gets bigger
and bigger. Finally the bubble
pops.
ADULT
Hello! I've come all the way from Fossil, Oregon, to see
you. That's a very long way, as I'm sure you can appreciate.
My cousin Alice came up here last year. She highly
recommended it. She forgot to tell me what a hike it is.
But like they say: "no pain, no gain!"
No reply.
ADULT
The thing is, I'm not quite sure of the procedure here. Do I
just come out and ask you questions or what?
No reply.
ADULT
If I'm doing something wrong, please let me know. I don't
want you to think I'm an ugly American. I always try to do
as the Romans do, and all that.
No reply.
ADULT
You are the Buddha Child, aren't you?
BUDDHA CHILD
Yes, I'm sometimes called the Buddha Child.
ADULT
Well, it's such an honor to meet you!
S/he offers the Buddha Child her
hand, to shake it. However,
instead of shaking hands, the
Buddha Child takes a wad of gum out
of her mouth and gives it to the
Adult.
The Adult doesn't know what to do
with the gum - finally s/he sticks
it in a pocket.
BUDDHA CHILD
And you came up here to find the answer to the riddle of
Life. Am I right?
ADULT
Yes!
BUDDHA CHILD
And you'd do anything to gain such wisdom?
ADULT
Of course!
BUDDHA CHILD
Very well. I'm going to help you.
ADULT
Thank you so much!
BUDDHA CHILD
Get down on your hands and knees.
ADULT
Pardon me?
BUDDHA CHILD
On your hands and knees!
The Adult quickly gets down.
BUDDHA CHILD
Bark like a dog!
ADULT
Are you serious?
BUDDHA CHILD
Do you want wisdom or not? Bark!
ADULT
Ruff! Ruff ruff!
BUDDHA CHILD
Louder!
ADULT
Ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff ruff!
BUDDHA CHILD
Now hop around like a frog!
The Adult starts hopping around.
ADULT
Like this?
BUDDHA CHILD
I don't hear any croaking!
ADULT
Chee-git! Chee-git! Chee-git!
BUDDHA CHILD
Whinny like a horse!
ADULT
[whinnies like a horse]
BUDDHA CHILD
A bucking horse!
The Adult lifts her arms like a
bucking horse and whinnies some
more.
BUDDHA CHILD
Give me a ride!
The Buddha Child gets on the back
of the Adult.
BUDDHA CHILD
Hee-yah! Faster! Hee-yah!
The Adult gives the Buddha Child a
brisk ride around the stage.
BUDDHA CHILD
Whoa!
The Adult stops. The Buddha Child
climbs off. The Adult gets to
his/her feet.
ADULT
Maybe I'd better tell you why I'm here.
BUDDHA CHILD
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
ADULT
Pardon me?
The Buddha Child "claps" by
slapping one open hand against the
side of her head, while exclaiming:
BUDDHA CHILD
Duh! Duuhh! Duuuuhhhh!
ADULT
I don't think I understand.
Suddenly:
BUDDHA CHILD
On guard!
The Buddha Child takes the stance
of a fencer, challenging the Adult
to a duel.
ADULT
I'm sorry - I'm not sure what we're doing here!
BUDDHA CHILD
Draw your sword, you evil Count, or pay the consequences!
ADULT
Are we having a duel?
BUDDHA CHILD
On guard!
They mime a duel with invisible
swords. This could be a scene in
Robin Hood as they move around the
stage, sword fighting. Suddenly
the Buddha Child stops and clutches
her stomach.
BUDDHA CHILD
Ah! I've been stabbed . . . I fall to my knees . . . the
blood is gushing out of me like catsup . . . goodbye, cruel
world!
The Buddha Child collapses on the
floor.
The Adult, not sure what is going
on, carefully looks down at the
Buddha Child.
ADULT
Are you all right?
No reply.
ADULT
I haven't had a chance to tell you why I'm here. Last year
Alice, my cousin, made the journey, and she came back with
such a better attitude that she's been promoted to district
sales manager. She's in charge of everything from Fossil to
Rimrock! She made a believer out of me, let me tell you. I
figured if you could help her attitude, you could help mine.
No reply.
ADULT
I'm been worried about my retirement, to tell the truth.
What sort of investments should I make? Do you know anything
about the stock market?
The Buddha Child suddenly gets to
her feet.
ADULT
Are you all right?
She starts stabbing a finger on the
Adult's chest, and the Adult starts
moving backwards during the
interrogation below.
BUDDHA CHILD
You remind me of a man.
ADULT
I do?
BUDDHA CHILD
Yes! You remind me of a man!
ADULT
What man is that?
BUDDHA CHILD
The man with the power!
ADULT
What power?
BUDDHA CHILD
The power of -- hoodo!
ADULT
Hoodo?
BUDDHA CHILD
You do!
ADULT
I do?
BUDDHA CHILD
You do! You do!
ADULT
I do what?
BUDDHA CHILD
Remind me of a man!
ADULT
What man?
BUDDHA CHILD
The man with the power!
ADULT
What pow--? Hey! I saw that in a movie once.
BUDDHA CHILD
("one hand clapping")
Duh!
ADULT
What's going on here? Are you pulling my leg?
BUDDHA CHILD
Since you insist.
The Buddha Child grabs the Adult's
leg and starts pulling on it.
ADULT
Hey!
The Buddha Child keeps pulling on
the Adult's leg, the Adult loses
his/her balance and falls to the
ground, and the Buddha Child keeps
pulling, maybe dragging the Adult
across the floor a bit.
Then the Buddha Child stops. The
Adult gets to his/her feet.
ADULT
I came all the way up here for advice, not to be ridiculed.
BUDDHA CHILD
Sshh! Hear it?
ADULT
No. Hear what?
BUDDHA CHILD
I'm singing.
ADULT
You are?
The Buddha Child starts singing.
BUDDHA CHILD
(singing)
I like the morning most of all / The day is young and full of
dreams / My heart goes riding on sunbeams / I like the
morning most of all
BUDDHA CHILD
I like the high noon most of all / The sun is toasty, bright
and high / It's much too early for goodbye / I like the high
noon most of all
BUDDHA CHILD
I like the sunset most of all / The sky is orange and blue
and red / The heart is wiser than the head / I like the
sunset most of all
The song is over.
ADULT
That was lovely!
BUDDHA CHILD
Don't you understand? You came up here thinking you wanted
answers for your head, but the head is like the sound of one
hand clapping. Duh! Don't trust your head. Trust your
heart.
ADULT
(as if putting it to memory)
"Don't trust your head. Trust your heart."
The Buddha Child points at the
Adult's chest.
BUDDHA CHILD
What's that on your shirt?
When the Adult looks down, the
Buddha Child clips him/her on the
nose with a finger.
The Buddha Child lifts an index
finger, making a point, as if to
say, "Don't believe everything
you're told, that's the head
responding" - and then she slaps
her hand against her head, the
sound of one hand clapping.
BUDDHA CHILD
Duuhh! Less head. More heart. Have a good day.
The Buddha Child moves to the
blanket and goes back to
meditating.
The Adult watches the Buddha Child
go, then turns to the audience,
looking puzzled.
ADULT
Less head, more heart . . .
The Adult holds out his/her hand,
looking at it, then slowly moves
the hand toward his/her head. She
gently slaps the open hand against
the side of her head. Didn't hurt.
Again, a little harder. Not too
bad. She decides to give it a try.
ADULT
(continuing "one hand clapping")
Duh! Duh!
(to the audience)
This is interesting. Duh! Duuhh!
(to the audience)
This feels great! DUUHH!
The Adult gathers up her things to
leave.
ADULT
Thank you, Buddha Child!
(striking a pose)
"On guard, you evil Count!" "You remind me of a man." "What
is the sound of one hand clapping?" Duh!
(S/he starts away happily, turning to the audience one
last time:)
"The heart is wiser than the head." Duh! You should try it!
Adult exits. The Buddha Child is
meditating. A large grin possesses
her face. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.