THE BUDDHA CHILD
by Charles Deemer




                       AT RISE: a mountain top.  The 
                       BUDDHA CHILD is in meditation on a 
                       blanket.  Perhaps there is an 
                       umbrella or lean-to to protect her 
                       from the sun.  Otherwise, the 
                       mountain-top campsite has only a 
                       few bare essentials.

                       The ADULT enters after an 
                       exhausting hike to the mountain 
                       top.  S/he looks like a caricature 
                       of a hiker, who is carrying far 
                       more than is necessary.  His or her 
                       appearance suggests Designer Hiking 
                       Gear.

                                     ADULT
            The summit!  Incredible!  

                       S/he takes off a backpack, then 
                       moves toward the audience to take 
                       in the view. S/he speaks to the 
                       audience.

                                     ADULT
            I have been on this darn trail for days!  My cousin made the 
            pilgrimage to meditate with the Buddha Child last year - and 
            this year she was the top real estate salesperson in her 
            area!  And chosen district sales manager to boot!  Now that's 
            what I call getting results.

                       S/he turns and notices, for the 
                       first time, the Buddha Child in 
                       meditation.

                       Turning, to the audience:

                                     ADULT
            Isn't she adorable?  I had no idea!

                       S/he carefully approaches the 
                       Buddha Child.  S/he makes a throat-
                       clearing sound.

                                     ADULT
            Excuse me?

                       No reply.

                                     ADULT
            Are you meditating?

                       The Buddha Child starts blowing a 
                       bubble from gum.  It gets bigger 
                       and bigger.  Finally the bubble 
                       pops.

                                     ADULT
            Hello!  I've come all the way from Fossil, Oregon, to see 
            you.  That's a very long way, as I'm sure you can appreciate.  
            My cousin Alice came up here last year.  She highly 
            recommended it.  She forgot to tell me what a hike it is.  
            But like they say: "no pain, no gain!"

                       No reply.

                                     ADULT
            The thing is, I'm not quite sure of the procedure here.  Do I 
            just come out and ask you questions or what?

                       No reply.

                                     ADULT
            If I'm doing something wrong, please let me know.  I don't 
            want you to think I'm an ugly American.  I always try to do 
            as the Romans do, and all that.

                       No reply.

                                     ADULT
            You are the Buddha Child, aren't you?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Yes, I'm sometimes called the Buddha Child.

                                     ADULT
            Well, it's such an honor to meet you!

                       S/he offers the Buddha Child her 
                       hand, to shake it.  However, 
                       instead of shaking hands, the 
                       Buddha Child takes a wad of gum out 
                       of her mouth and gives it to the 
                       Adult.

                       The Adult doesn't know what to do 
                       with the gum - finally s/he sticks 
                       it in a pocket.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            And you came up here to find the answer to the riddle of 
            Life.  Am I right?

                                     ADULT
            Yes!

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            And you'd do anything to gain such wisdom?

                                     ADULT
            Of course!

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Very well.  I'm going to help you.

                                     ADULT
            Thank you so much!  

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Get down on your hands and knees.

                                     ADULT
            Pardon me? 

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            On your hands and knees!

                       The Adult quickly gets down.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Bark like a dog!

                                     ADULT
            Are you serious?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Do you want wisdom or not?  Bark! 

                                     ADULT
            Ruff!  Ruff ruff!

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Louder!

                                     ADULT
            Ruff ruff!  Ruff ruff ruff ruff! 

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Now hop around like a frog!

                       The Adult starts hopping around.

                                     ADULT
            Like this? 

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            I don't hear any croaking!

                                     ADULT
            Chee-git!  Chee-git!  Chee-git!

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Whinny like a horse!

                                     ADULT
            [whinnies like a horse]

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            A bucking horse!

                       The Adult lifts her arms like a 
                       bucking horse and whinnies some 
                       more.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Give me a ride!

                       The Buddha Child gets on the back 
                       of the Adult.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Hee-yah!  Faster!  Hee-yah!

                       The Adult gives the Buddha Child a 
                       brisk ride around the stage.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Whoa!

                       The Adult stops.  The Buddha Child 
                       climbs off.  The Adult gets to 
                       his/her feet.

                                     ADULT
            Maybe I'd better tell you why I'm here. 

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            What is the sound of one hand clapping?

                                     ADULT
            Pardon me?

                       The Buddha Child "claps" by 
                       slapping one open hand against the 
                       side of her head, while exclaiming:

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Duh!  Duuhh!  Duuuuhhhh!

                                     ADULT
            I don't think I understand. 

                       Suddenly:

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            On guard!

                       The Buddha Child takes the stance 
                       of a fencer, challenging the Adult 
                       to a duel.

                                     ADULT
            I'm sorry - I'm not sure what we're doing here!

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Draw your sword, you evil Count, or pay the consequences!

                                     ADULT
            Are we having a duel?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            On guard!

                       They mime a duel with invisible 
                       swords.  This could be a scene in 
                       Robin Hood as they move around the 
                       stage, sword fighting.  Suddenly 
                       the Buddha Child stops and clutches 
                       her stomach.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Ah!  I've been stabbed . . . I fall to my knees . . . the 
            blood is gushing out of me like catsup . . . goodbye, cruel 
            world!

                       The Buddha Child collapses on the 
                       floor.

                       The Adult, not sure what is going 
                       on, carefully looks down at the 
                       Buddha Child.

                                     ADULT
            Are you all right?

                       No reply.

                                     ADULT
            I haven't had a chance to tell you why I'm here.  Last year 
            Alice, my cousin, made the journey, and she came back with 
            such a better attitude that she's been promoted to district 
            sales manager.  She's in charge of everything from Fossil to 
            Rimrock!  She made a believer out of me, let me tell you.  I 
            figured if you could help her attitude, you could help mine.

                       No reply.

                                     ADULT
            I'm been worried about my retirement, to tell the truth.  
            What sort of investments should I make?  Do you know anything 
            about the stock market? 

                       The Buddha Child suddenly gets to 
                       her feet.

                                     ADULT
            Are you all right? 

                       She starts stabbing a finger on the 
                       Adult's chest, and the Adult starts 
                       moving backwards during the 
                       interrogation below.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            You remind me of a man.

                                     ADULT
            I do?  

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Yes!  You remind me of a man!  

                                     ADULT
            What man is that?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            The man with the power!

                                     ADULT
            What power?  

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            The power of -- hoodo!

                                     ADULT
            Hoodo?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            You do!

                                     ADULT
            I do?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            You do!  You do!

                                     ADULT
            I do what?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Remind me of a man!

                                     ADULT
            What man?  

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            The man with the power!  

                                     ADULT
            What pow--?  Hey! I saw that in a movie once.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
                       ("one hand clapping")
            Duh! 

                                     ADULT
            What's going on here?  Are you pulling my leg?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Since you insist. 

                       The Buddha Child grabs the Adult's 
                       leg and starts pulling on it.

                                     ADULT
            Hey!

                       The Buddha Child keeps pulling on 
                       the Adult's leg, the Adult loses 
                       his/her balance and falls to the 
                       ground, and the Buddha Child keeps 
                       pulling, maybe dragging the Adult 
                       across the floor a bit.

                       Then the Buddha Child stops.  The 
                       Adult gets to his/her feet.

                                     ADULT
            I came all the way up here for advice, not to be ridiculed.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Sshh!  Hear it?

                                     ADULT
            No.  Hear what?

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            I'm singing.

                                     ADULT
            You are? 

                       The Buddha Child starts singing.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
                       (singing)
            I like the morning most of all / The day is young and full of 
            dreams / My heart goes riding on sunbeams / I like the 
            morning most of all

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            I like the high noon most of all / The sun is toasty, bright 
            and high / It's much too early for goodbye / I like the high 
            noon most of all

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            I like the sunset most of all / The sky is orange and blue 
            and red / The heart is wiser than the head / I like the 
            sunset most of all

                       The song is over.

                                     ADULT
            That was lovely!

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Don't you understand?  You came up here thinking you wanted 
            answers for your head, but the head is like the sound of one 
            hand clapping.  Duh!   Don't trust your head.  Trust your 
            heart. 

                                     ADULT
                       (as if putting it to memory)
            "Don't trust your head.  Trust your heart."

                       The Buddha Child points at the 
                       Adult's chest.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            What's that on your shirt?

                       When the Adult looks down, the 
                       Buddha Child clips him/her on the 
                       nose with a finger.

                       The Buddha Child lifts an index 
                       finger, making a point, as if to 
                       say, "Don't believe everything 
                       you're told, that's the head 
                       responding" - and then she slaps 
                       her hand against her head, the 
                       sound of one hand clapping.

                                     BUDDHA CHILD
            Duuhh!  Less head.  More heart.  Have a good day.

                       The Buddha Child moves to the 
                       blanket and goes back to 
                       meditating.

                       The Adult watches the Buddha Child 
                       go, then turns to the audience, 
                       looking puzzled.

                                     ADULT
            Less head, more heart . . . 

                       The Adult holds out his/her hand, 
                       looking at it, then slowly moves 
                       the hand toward his/her head.  She 
                       gently slaps the open hand against 
                       the side of her head.  Didn't hurt.  
                       Again, a little harder.  Not too 
                       bad.  She decides to give it a try.

                                     ADULT
                       (continuing "one hand clapping")
            Duh!  Duh!
                       (to the audience)
            This is interesting.  Duh!  Duuhh!
                       (to the audience)
            This feels great!  DUUHH! 

                       The Adult gathers up her things to 
                       leave.

                                     ADULT
            Thank you, Buddha Child!
                       (striking a pose)
            "On guard, you evil Count!"  "You remind me of a man."  "What 
            is the sound of one hand clapping?"  Duh!  
                       (S/he starts away happily, turning to the audience one 
                       last time:)
            "The heart is wiser than the head."  Duh!  You should try it!

                       Adult exits.  The Buddha Child is 
                       meditating.  A large grin possesses 
                       her face.  LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.