THE MAN WHO HATCHED CHICKENS
A Libretto
By Charles Deemer
(Based on the story “Toine” by Guy De Maupassant)
CHARACTERS (2M, 2F):
Toine
Wife
Drinking Buddy
Wife’s Friend
(AT RISE: Inside a small cottage. Toine in bed. The wife cleaning house. She stops and …)
WIFE
When I was a young girl
At night I would dream
Of standing in moonlight
With the man of my dreams
Tall dark and handsome
He’d love me so true
And call me his sweetheart
And he’d be my beau
Of course we would marry
Seal love with a kiss
And life would be roses
And chocolate and bliss
TOINE (from bed)
Wife, are you busy?
Come fetch me a cup
Of something cold to drink
I feel so hot!
It takes too much effort
For me to get up
WIFE
But here is my husband
Who’s handsome no more
Who crushes the scales
At three hundred and four
He used to be mobile
And then had a stroke
And now I just pray
For the day he will croak
TOINE (getting up out of bed)
I used to be mobile
An innkeeper, I was
My cognac was known
Throughout the town
So was my wit
Folks laughed at my jokes
A popular man
If I say so myself
WIFE
All day and all night
You drank with your friends
TOINE
I danced the polka
WIFE
It made the floor shake
TOINE
The life of the party
WIFE
The last one to go
TOINE
We had a good time
WIFE
Better for you
TOINE
Life was a party
WIFE
Especially for you
TOINE
Ah!
(Toine has the beginning of a stroke.)
WIFE
He was on the dance floor
When he had his stroke
Flirting with a gal
And buying her drinks
He could be her father
So young was she
And flirting right back
To get more drinks
TOINE
Ah!
(He’ll struggle back to bed.)
WIFE
He fell on the floor
The whole inn shook
Like an earthquake, it was
And high on the scale
TOINE
Ah!
(He’s in bed again.)
WIFE
The doctor said
No more working for you
Staying in bed
Is the best thing to do
(Drinking Buddy and Wife’s Friend come forward.)
WIFE’S FRIEND
Did you hear the news?
Toine had a stroke.
They say he barely moves
And can’t get out of bed.
DRINKING BUDDY
A drinking man can’t stay in bed.
A drinking man stands at the bar
With all his drinking buddies near.
A drinking man can’t stay in bed.
Toine, get up!
Come have a drink!
Your cognac’s the best
And a bottle is waiting.
WIFE’S FRIEND
He can’t get up.
His useful days are done.
DRINKING BUDDY
Of course he can get up!
(approaching the bed)
Toine! Remember the drinks
We consumed together?
How many do you think?
TOINE
Too many to count!
It’s a miracle we drank
As much as we did
And lived to tell the tale.
WIFE
He calls this living!
WIFE’S FRIEND
Men are like that.
DRINKING BUDDY & TOINE
When drinking buddies lift a glass
It’s more than friendship
More than partying
More than good cognac
When drinking buddies lift a glass
It’s a bond of steel
Joining them as brothers
Brothers to the end
TOINE
A drinking buddy’s there to laugh
At all my jokes
DRINKING BUDDY
A drinking buddy’s there to toast
My recent divorce
TOINE
A drinking buddy understands
The torment of a wife
DRINKING BUDDY
A drinking buddy understands
Injustice in a life
TOINE & DRINKING BUDDY
Drinking buddies stand as one
Brothers till the end
Sharing what they’ve lost
Sharing what they win
Drinking buddies stand as one
Closer than a wife
No woman understands
The truth of a man’s life
WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND
Drinking buddies like to drink
Booze brings them together
Drinking buddies party long
In any kind of weather
Drink and drink and drink some more
A marriage suffers strife
Then a woman understands
The truth of a man’s life
TOINE & DRINKING BUDDY
No woman understands
The truth of a man’s life
WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND
We women understand
The truth of a man’s life
(Focus on Wife & Wife’s Friend)
WIFE’S FRIEND
How do you manage
With your husband in bed?
You run the house
And now the inn
When do you find time
To take a deep breath?
WIFE
I do the best I can
WIFE’S FRIEND
Toine can’t help you at all?
WIFE
It’s all he can do
To roll over in bed
For thirty years we’ve been wed
I thought things might get better
They just get worse
WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND
Marriage is a curse for women
Who end up doing everything
Cooking the meals
Cleaning the house
Raising the children
Feeding the chickens
Gathering the eggs
With little help at all
Marriage is a curse for women
The men prefer the bar to home
Telling their jokes
Drinking their cognac
Telling their lies
Drinking more cognac
Telling more jokes
They don’t want wives around
WIFE’S FRIEND
There must be something
Toine can do
WIFE
It’s all he can do
To roll over in bed
WIFE’S FRIEND
Then find him something
He can do in bed
WIFE
He hasn’t done anything
In bed for years
WIFE’S FRIEND
I have an idea
Yes, this could work!
He’s hot as an oven
He never leaves his bed
So…
WIFE
Yes?
WIFE’S FRIEND
So…
WIFE
Yes?
WIFE’S FRIEND
I’d make him hatch eggs!
(Wife is dumbstruck)
WIFE
Hatch some eggs?
WIFE’S FRIEND
Yes!
You can hatch eggs in a warm box
Why not in a warm bed?
Put five eggs under one arm
Five eggs under the other
When they hatch, take them to the hen
To raise as her own
You’d raise twice as many chickens
And Toine would be useful
WIFE
That would be the day
WIFE’S FRIEND
This can work!
Let him hatch eggs!
WIFE
I’ve called him a pig
I’ve called him an ass
I’ve called him a cow
I’ve called him a rhino
But I’ve never called him a chicken
WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND
When a man’s useless
Let him hatch eggs!
When a man’s useless
Let him hatch eggs!
(Wife’s friend gives Wife a gentle shove toward Toine’s bed. Friend exits.)
TOINE
I’m so hot
Did you bring a cool drink?
WIFE
My dear husband
I’m putting you to work
TOINE
But I can’t get out of bed
WIFE
A perfect job for you
You stay right where you are
And put your warmth to work
TOINE
Doing what?
WIFE
Hatching eggs
TOINE
Doing WHAT!?
WIFE
Hatching eggs
You can hatch eggs in a warm box
Why not in a warm bed?
Put five eggs under one arm
Five eggs under the other
When they hatch, I’ll take them to the hen
We’ll raise twice as many chickens
And you will be useful
TOINE
This is crazy!
I will not hatch eggs!
WIFE (to audience)
It didn’t take long
To change his mind
TOINE
Darling, is my dinner ready?
I’m starving!
WIFE
No dinner for lazy-bones!
You want to eat, you go to work!
(to audience)
It didn’t take long
To change his mind
TOINE
Oh, the tragedy of a man’s life!
He hosts the finest inn
He serves the best cognac
He has many friends
The life of the party
Till a stroke strikes him down
And condemns him to bed
TOINE & WIFE
A man reduced to hatching chickens
Who once was filled with life
A man reduced to hatching chickens
Who could drink with any man
A man reduced to hatching chickens
Whose jokes cracked up the house
A man reduced to hatching chickens
Whose cognac took the prize
Five eggs under one arm
Five eggs under the other
A man reduced to hatching chickens
Oh, the tragedy of a man’s life!
(Wife’s Friend and Drinking Buddy come forward as Wife moves to join her, take focus.)
WIFE’S FRIEND
Have they hatched yet?
DRINKING BUDDY
Did any survive?
WIFE
Let’s go see.
(All approach the bed.)
DRINKING BUDDY
Toine? How’s it coming, my friend?
TOINE
Ah…
WIFE’S FRIEND
He’s perspiring so much
DRINKING BUDDY
Hatching eggs is hard work
TOINE
Ah…
WIFE
Don’t strain too hard, you’ll crush the chicks
DRINKING BUDDY
If any survived
TOINE
Ah … ah … I have one!
Under my left arm!
WIFE
A chick has hatched!
TOINE
And another!
Under my right arm!
WIFE
The chicks are hatching!
WIFE’S FRIEND & DRINKING BUDDY
Cluck, cluck! There’s another!
Cluck, cluck! There’s another!
WIFE
Cluck! And another!
TOINE
Cluck! Cluck! I have more coming!
WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND & DRINKING BUDDY
Another and another and another!
TOINE
I think I have them all!
Cluck, cluck!
All ten eggs have hatched!
WIFE
My hens don’t do as well.
TOINE
I’m the best hen of them all!
Cluck, cluck!
EVERYONE
Oh, the pride of a life!
When a man finds his calling
A job where he excels
TOINE
Give me ten eggs
And I hatch ten chickens!
Cluck, cluck!
EVERYONE
No one does it better
The leader of the pack
The champion of the world
TOINE
Give me ten eggs
And I hatch ten chickens!
Cluck, cluck!
EVERYONE
Oh, the honor of a life
To master such an art
Better than anyone
TOINE
Give me ten eggs
and I hatch ten chickens!
Cluck, cluck!
EVERYONE
Pride and honor!
Pride and honor!
TOINE
Next time give me twenty
And I’ll hatch them all!
EVERYONE
Pride and honor!
Cluck, cluck!
Pride and honor!
Cluck, cluck!
Pride and honor!
Cluck, cluck!
Cluck, cluck!
Cluck, cluck!
END