THE MAN WHO HATCHED CHICKENS   

A Libretto

By Charles Deemer

(Based on the story “Toine” by Guy De Maupassant)

 

 

CHARACTERS (2M, 2F):

Toine

Wife

Drinking Buddy

Wife’s Friend

 

 

 

(AT RISE: Inside a small cottage. Toine in bed. The wife cleaning house. She stops and …)

 

WIFE

When I was a young girl

At night I would dream

Of standing in moonlight

With the man of my dreams

Tall dark and handsome

He’d love me so true

And call me his sweetheart

And he’d be my beau

Of course we would marry

Seal love with a kiss

And life would be roses

And chocolate and bliss

 

TOINE (from bed)

Wife, are you busy?

Come fetch me a cup

Of something cold to drink

I feel so hot!

It takes too much effort

For me to get up

 

WIFE

But here is my husband

Who’s handsome no more

Who crushes the scales

At three hundred and four

He used to be mobile

And then had a stroke

And now I just pray

For the day he will croak

 

TOINE (getting up out of bed)

I used to be mobile

An innkeeper, I was

My cognac was known

Throughout the town

So was my wit

Folks laughed at my jokes

A popular man

If I say so myself

 

WIFE

All day and all night

You drank with your friends

 

TOINE

I danced the polka

 

WIFE

It made the floor shake

 

TOINE

The life of the party

 

WIFE

The last one to go

 

TOINE

We had a good time

 

WIFE

Better for you

 

TOINE

Life was a party

 

WIFE

Especially for you

 

TOINE

Ah!

 

(Toine has the beginning of a stroke.)

 

WIFE

He was on the dance floor

When he had his stroke

Flirting with a gal

And buying her drinks

He could be her father

So young was she

And flirting right back

To get more drinks

 

TOINE

Ah!

 

(He’ll struggle back to bed.)

 

WIFE

He fell on the floor

The whole inn shook

Like an earthquake, it was

And high on the scale

 

TOINE

Ah!

 

(He’s in bed again.)

 

WIFE

The doctor said

No more working for you

Staying in bed

Is the best thing to do

 

(Drinking Buddy and Wife’s Friend come forward.)

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

Did you hear the news?

Toine had a stroke.

They say he barely moves

And can’t get out of bed.

 

DRINKING BUDDY

A drinking man can’t stay in bed.

A drinking man stands at the bar

With all his drinking buddies near.

A drinking man can’t stay in bed.

 

Toine, get up!

Come have a drink!

Your cognac’s the best

And a bottle is waiting.

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

He can’t get up.

His useful days are done.

 

DRINKING BUDDY

Of course he can get up!

            (approaching the bed)

Toine! Remember the drinks

We consumed together?

How many do you think?

 

TOINE

Too many to count!

It’s a miracle we drank

As much as we did

And lived to tell the tale.

 

WIFE

He calls this living!

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

Men are like that.

 

DRINKING BUDDY & TOINE

When drinking buddies lift a glass

It’s more than friendship

More than partying

More than good cognac

When drinking buddies lift a glass

It’s a bond of steel

Joining them as brothers

Brothers to the end

 

TOINE

A drinking buddy’s there to laugh

At all my jokes

 

DRINKING BUDDY

A drinking buddy’s there to toast

My recent divorce

 

TOINE

A drinking buddy understands

The torment of a wife

 

DRINKING BUDDY

A drinking buddy understands

Injustice in a life

 

TOINE & DRINKING BUDDY

Drinking buddies stand as one

Brothers till the end

Sharing what they’ve lost

Sharing what they win

Drinking buddies stand as one

Closer than a wife

No woman understands

The truth of a man’s life

 

WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND

Drinking buddies like to drink

Booze brings them together

Drinking buddies party long

In any kind of weather

Drink and drink and drink some more

A marriage suffers strife

Then a woman understands

The truth of a man’s life

 

TOINE & DRINKING BUDDY

No woman understands

The truth of a man’s life

 

WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND

We women understand

The truth of a man’s life

 

(Focus on Wife & Wife’s Friend)

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

How do you manage

With your husband in bed?

You run the house

And now the inn

When do you find time

To take a deep breath?

 

WIFE

I do the best I can

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

Toine can’t help you at all?

 

WIFE

It’s all he can do

To roll over in bed

For thirty years we’ve been wed

I thought things might get better

They just get worse

 

WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND

Marriage is a curse for women

Who end up doing everything

Cooking the meals

Cleaning the house

Raising the children

Feeding the chickens

Gathering the eggs

With little help at all

 

Marriage is a curse for women

The men prefer the bar to home

Telling their jokes

Drinking their cognac

Telling their lies

Drinking more cognac

Telling more jokes

They don’t want wives around

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

There must be something

Toine can do

 

WIFE

It’s all he can do

To roll over in bed

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

Then find him something

He can do in bed

 

WIFE

He hasn’t done anything

In bed for years

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

I have an idea

Yes, this could work!

He’s hot as an oven

He never leaves his bed

So…

 

WIFE

Yes?

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

So…

 

WIFE

Yes?

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

I’d make him hatch eggs!

 

(Wife is dumbstruck)

 

WIFE

Hatch some eggs?

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

Yes!

You can hatch eggs in a warm box

Why not in a warm bed?

Put five eggs under one arm

Five eggs under the other

When they hatch, take them to the hen

To raise as her own

You’d raise twice as many chickens

And Toine would be useful

 

WIFE

That would be the day

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

This can work!

Let him hatch eggs!

 

WIFE

I’ve called him a pig

I’ve called him an ass

I’ve called him a cow

I’ve called him a rhino

But I’ve never called him a chicken

 

WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND

When a man’s useless

Let him hatch eggs!

When a man’s useless

Let him hatch eggs!

 

(Wife’s friend gives Wife a gentle shove toward Toine’s bed. Friend exits.)

 

TOINE

I’m so hot

Did you bring a cool drink?

 

WIFE

My dear husband

I’m putting you to work

 

TOINE

But I can’t get out of bed

 

WIFE

A perfect job for you

You stay right where you are

And put your warmth to work

 

TOINE           

Doing what?

 

WIFE

Hatching eggs

 

TOINE

Doing WHAT!?

 

WIFE

Hatching eggs

You can hatch eggs in a warm box

Why not in a warm bed?

Put five eggs under one arm

Five eggs under the other

When they hatch, I’ll take them to the hen

We’ll raise twice as many chickens

And you will be useful

 

TOINE

This is crazy!

I will not hatch eggs!

 

WIFE (to audience)

It didn’t take long

To change his mind

 

TOINE
Darling, is my dinner ready?

I’m starving!

 

WIFE

No dinner for lazy-bones!

You want to eat, you go to work!

(to audience)

It didn’t take long

To change his mind

 

TOINE

Oh, the tragedy of a man’s life!

He hosts the finest inn

He serves the best cognac

He has many friends

The life of the party

Till a stroke strikes him down

And condemns him to bed

 

TOINE & WIFE

A man reduced to hatching chickens

Who once was filled with life

A man reduced to hatching chickens

Who could drink with any man

A man reduced to hatching chickens

Whose jokes cracked up the house

A man reduced to hatching chickens

Whose cognac took the prize

Five eggs under one arm

Five eggs under the other

A man reduced to hatching chickens

Oh, the tragedy of a man’s life!

 

(Wife’s Friend and Drinking Buddy come forward as Wife moves to join her, take focus.)

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

Have they hatched yet?

 

DRINKING BUDDY

Did any survive?

 

WIFE

Let’s go see.

 

(All approach the bed.)

 

DRINKING BUDDY
Toine? How’s it coming, my friend?

 

TOINE

Ah…

 

WIFE’S FRIEND

He’s perspiring so much

 

DRINKING BUDDY

Hatching eggs is hard work

 

TOINE

Ah…

 

WIFE

Don’t strain too hard, you’ll crush the chicks

 

DRINKING BUDDY

If any survived

 

TOINE

Ah … ah … I have one!

Under my left arm!

 

WIFE

A chick has hatched!

 

TOINE

And another!

Under my right arm!

 

WIFE

The chicks are hatching!

 

WIFE’S FRIEND & DRINKING BUDDY

Cluck, cluck! There’s another!

Cluck, cluck! There’s another!

 

WIFE

Cluck! And another!

 

TOINE

Cluck! Cluck! I have more coming!

 

WIFE & WIFE’S FRIEND & DRINKING BUDDY

Another and another and another!

 

TOINE

I think I have them all!

Cluck, cluck!

All ten eggs have hatched!

 

WIFE

My hens don’t do as well.

 

TOINE

I’m the best hen of them all!

Cluck, cluck!

 

EVERYONE

Oh, the pride of a life!

When a man finds his calling

A job where he excels

 

TOINE

Give me ten eggs

And I hatch ten chickens!

Cluck, cluck!

 

EVERYONE

No one does it better

The leader of the pack

The champion of the world

 

TOINE

Give me ten eggs

And I hatch ten chickens!

Cluck, cluck!

 

EVERYONE

Oh, the honor of a life

To master such an art

Better than anyone

 

TOINE

Give me ten eggs

and I hatch ten chickens!

Cluck, cluck!

 

EVERYONE

Pride and honor!

Pride and honor!

 

TOINE

Next time give me twenty

And I’ll hatch them all!

 

EVERYONE

Pride and honor!

Cluck, cluck!

Pride and honor!

Cluck, cluck!

Pride and honor!

Cluck, cluck!

Cluck, cluck!

Cluck, cluck!

 

 

END