THE LAST ROUNDUP
by Charles Deemer

            (LIGHTS UP LOW.  It is night.  A 
          full moon shines overhead.  
          Occasionally we hear cattle 
          mooing.) 
            (JED, a cowboy, is on a stick 
          horse, looking out over the 
          audience.) 
            (JASMINE, a cowgirl, rides up on 
          her stick horse and stops beside 
          Jed.) 
                                            JASMINE 
                         You wanted to see me? 
                                            JED 
                         Reckon I did, or you wouldn't be here. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         It's time for my performance review, isn't it? 
                                            JED 
                         Reckon it is. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Well, I think I'm much better helping the cook.  Don't 
            (No reply.) 
                                            JASMINE (CONT'D) 
                         Is something the matter? 
                                            JED 
                         They're a little restless tonight.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         How can you tell? 
                                            JED 
                         I feel it.  Something ain't right.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         Maybe you should sing to them. 
                                            JED 
                         How makes you think I'd do that? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I heard you.  A couple times.  It was beautiful. 
                                            JED 
                         I don't do that for public consumption. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         You should make a record. 
                                            JED 
                         We ain't got no electricity out here, and besides the c
                         could tell the difference between a voice and a record.
                         They ain't stupid. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Not to play it to cows, to play the record to people. 
                                            JED 
                         I only sing to cattle.  Maybe you can come back later s
                         can do that now. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Can't you do it with me here? 
                                            JED 
                         I don't sing for people, I told you. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Just pretend I'm not here.  Sing what you sang the othe
                         night.  It was great. 
                                            JED 
                         That's just something I made up. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         It was about how you had a dream it was raining.  I dre
                         like that, too.  I think it started this way ... 
                              (SINGING) 
                         Hey, little doggies, 
                         you've had a long day 
                           
                                            JED & JASMINE 
                              (SINGING) 
                         I'll bring you some water 
                         I'll bring you some hay 
                         Tomorrow we gotta 
                         get back on the trail 
                         Tonight I'll have sweet dreams 
                         Of rain and of hail     
                                            JED 
                              (SINGING) 
                         Sometimes you're restless 
                         and sometimes you're still 
                         Most of the time 
                         You just do what you will 
                         I ride here beside you,                                
                         I'm always close by 
                         Your stench in my nostrils 
                         Your dust in my eye 
                             
                                            JASMINE 
                              (SINGING) 
                         A cow-puncher's life is 
                         all wind, dust and fleas 
                         He sweats thru the day 
                         and at nighttime will freeze 
                         Long before sun up 
                         the cattle will call 
                         and make a poor cowboy 
                         rise up and stand tall     
            (Sounds of cattle mooing.) 
                                            JASMINE (CONT'D) 
                         Hear that?  The cows love it. 
                                            JED 
                         That ain't cattle applause, it's restlessness.  I got t
                         keep a close watch on 'em tonight.  And I got to give y
                         the bad news. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         What bad news is that? 
                                            JED 
                         I'm sure you can figure it out.  We're letting you go i
                         Montana. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         But why? 
                                            JED 
                         You can figure that out for yourself. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I know I'm not a very good cowboy-- 
                                            JED 
                         Jasmine, you're the worst cowboy I ever saw. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         But I'm a good cook's helper! 
                                            JED 
                         Cookie says you're up til nine, ten at night, still 
                         scrubbing pots and pans. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I'm getting faster!  Who cares how long they take, as l
                         as they're clean? 
                                            JED 
                         I been looking over your application.  Says this cow-
                         punching ain't your career goal anyway.  Says you took 
                         job to save up, so you can become a school teacher late
                                            JASMINE 
                         So? 
                                            JED 
                         So who ever saved any money punching cattle?  You know 
                         someone, you send him my way so I can learn how to do t
            (No reply.) 
                                            JED (CONT'D) 
                         So what's the real reason? 
            (No reply.) 
                                            JED (CONT'D) 
                         It's your dad, ain't it?  As well known a cow puncher a
                         was, you feel you gotta follow in his footsteps. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I wanted to prove to him that I could do it. 
                                            JED 
                         And what did you prove to yourself?  You think you're g
                         at this? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Not at everything, no.   
                                            JED 
                         Jasmine, you don't take up punching cows in the first p
                         unless you got no alternative.  It's a lousy job.  Look
                         us.  Covered with saddle sores and fleas, sleeping on t
                         ground, rocks poking us in the ribs all night, up with 
                         sun and working through the heat of the day, breathing 
                         dust and manure all day -- it's a life more fit for coy
                         than people.  I'm doing you a favor by firing you. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         You're firing me? 
                                            JED 
                         Afraid so.  Trail boss told me to take care of it a few
                         ago.  I've been getting up the nerve to tell you. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Oh, sure.  What do you care? 
                                            JED 
                         I like your enthusiasm.  I like your spirit.  No one ca
                         you ain't tried to be a cowboy. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I'm just not good enough for you. 
                                            JED 
                         True enough.  You can't pull your weight, Jasmine, and 
                         affects everybody else.  We're dropping you as soon as 
                         get to Montana. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Let me make the drive back to Oklahoma!  That'll be my 
                         roundup. 
                                            JED 
                         Listen, the trail boss wanted me to dump you right here
                         the middle of nowhere, with a horse and three-days supp
                         I couldn't do that. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         If I can go with you back to Oklahoma, I'll quit.  I 
                         promise. 
                                            JED 
                         This is a stupid business anyway.  We drive this here h
                         from Texas to Montana, then pick up another and drive i
                         from Montana to Oklahoma.  Why don't we just drive thes
                         here from Texas to Oklahoma and let Montana fend for it
                         Business end of this never did make sense.  And the 
                         railroads will put us out of business soon enough.  Thi
                         a dead-end career, Jasmine.  You're better off getting 
                         of it while you can.  I'm doing you a favor by firing y
                                            JASMINE 
                         Well, you can't fire me - because I quit! 
                                            JED 
                         Really? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I was going to give you two-weeks' notice, but the way 
                         you're treating me, I'm afraid I can't.  I'm quitting a
                         soon as we get to Montana. 
                                            JED 
                         Whatever you say, Jasmine.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         I got plans. 
                                            JED 
                         And what plans are they? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Well, I got options. 
                                            JED 
                         Like what for instance? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Like becoming a school teacher. 
                                            JED 
                         Now you're talking.  I hope you're serious. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Why wouldn't I be serious? 
                                            JED 
                         Because you're still worrying about what your old man's
                         gonna think.  You become a school teacher and see how p
                         he'll be.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         All he knows is cows. 
                                            JED 
                         Which is all the more reason he don't want any of his 
                         children to have anything to do with cattle.  Believe m
                         I had kids, I wouldn't.  It's not a life you want to pa
                         to anyone.  You go be a school teacher, and make your o
                         man proud of you. 
            (A beat.) 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Jed? 
                                            JED 
                         Jasmine? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I'm scared. 
                                            JED 
                         Nothing wrong with that. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         What if I'm no good at school teaching either? 
                                            JED 
                         Way you read books, smart as you are, gift of gab you g
                         and all that enthusiasm - you're a born school teacher.
                         just got to decide where to put down roots. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I was thinking about Oregon.  It's growing like crazy o
                         there.  I bet they need school teachers. 
                                            JED 
                         I bet they do at-- ... sshh!  You hear that? 
            (Below, sounds of MOOING and 
          agitation by the cattle.) 
                                            JASMINE 
                         What? 
                                            JED 
                         Something ain't right. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         The cows? 
                                            JED 
                         We call 'em cattle, Jasmine.  Cattle or stock.  Not cow
                                            JASMINE 
                         What's wrong? 
                                            JED 
                         Something's spooking them.  Something ain't right. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Maybe you should sing to them again. 
                                            JED 
                              (SINGING) 
                         "Whoopie tie-yie-yay, get along little doggies!..." 
                         Dang, I'm afraid it's too late for that.  We got a prob
                         here! 
                                            JASMINE 
                         What? 
                                            JED 
                         Stampede!  Stampede! 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Stampede! 
            (They ride off to stampede sounds 
          and BLACKOUT.) 
            (LIGHTS UP FULL. The next day.  
          Bright sun. Silence.) 
            (Jasmine is stretched out on the 
          ground. Jed kneels beside her.) 
                                            JED 
                         That leg feeling any better? 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Not really. 
                                            JED 
                         I ain't surprised, that was a mighty bad fall. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I didn't mean to get in the way and mess everything up.
                                            JED 
                         Coulda been worse, is the way I figure it.  This makes 
                         future career decision easy, too. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         I'm slowing everything up, aren't I?  You're gonna be l
                         getting to Montana. 
                                            JED 
                         We're about ready to get going.  We got a wagon coming 
                         you.  Cookie will stay with you til it gets here. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Where am I going? 
                                            JED 
                         There's a ranch not far from here.  Doctor will be comi
                         to fix you up.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         How long will it take for my leg to heal? 
                                            JED 
                         That's for the doc to say.  Don't you worry none, I'll 
                         waiting for you in Montana. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         You will? 
                                            JED 
                         I been thinking about a career change myself.  I just h
                         no idea what it will be.  Maybe I'll raise some chicken
                                            JASMINE 
                         You should sing on the radio! 
                                            JED 
                         I don't sing to people, Jasmine.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         Well, you can sing to the chickens then. 
                                            JED 
                         Reckon I can at that. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         You want to come to Oregon with me? 
                                            JED 
                         Maybe.  On my way to California.   
                                            JASMINE 
                         I'll be healed and ready to go before you know it. 
                                            JED 
                         I figure you will at that.  Well, I'd better get a move
                                            JASMINE 
                         Jed?  Aren't you gonna give me five? 
            (She holds up his hand, waiting 
          for a high five.) 
                                            JED 
                         I can do that, long as you don't mind the motion attrac
                         the buzzards. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         Buzzards! 
                                            JED 
                         Just pulling your leg, Jasmine.  Gonna miss that.  A ti
                         horn bites on everything. 
            (They high five.) 
                                            JASMINE 
                         You'll really wait for me in Montana? 
                                            JED 
                         In Butte, how's that?  I'll be staying at the hotel on 
                         Street. 
                                            JASMINE 
                         The Butte Hotel it is. 
                                            JED 
                         You take care. 
            (He gets up and gets on his stick 
          horse.  He moves slowly off, 
          singing:) 
                                            JED (CONT'D) 
                              (SINGING) 
                         Hey, little doggies, 
                         you've had a long day 
                         I'll bring you some water 
                         I'll bring you some hay 
                         Tomorrow we gotta 
                         get back on the trail 
                         Tonight I'll have sweet dreams 
                         Of rain and of hail      
            (He's gone.) 
                                            JASMINE 
                              (SINGING) 
                         Sometimes you're restless 
                         and sometimes you're still 
                         Most of the time 
                         You just do what you will 
                         I ride here beside you, 
                         I'm always close by 
                         Your stench in my nostrils 
                         Your dust in my eye 
                          
                         A cow-puncher's life is 
                         all wind, dust and fleas 
                         He sweats thru the day 
                         and at nighttime will freeze 
                         Long before sun up 
                         the cattle will call 
                         and make a poor cowboy 
                         rise up and stand tall        
            (The lights have faded to 
          BLACKOUT. The play is over.)