THE LAST ROUNDUP
by Charles Deemer
(LIGHTS UP LOW. It is night. A
full moon shines overhead.
Occasionally we hear cattle
mooing.)
(JED, a cowboy, is on a stick
horse, looking out over the
audience.)
(JASMINE, a cowgirl, rides up on
her stick horse and stops beside
Jed.)
JASMINE
You wanted to see me?
JED
Reckon I did, or you wouldn't be here.
JASMINE
It's time for my performance review, isn't it?
JED
Reckon it is.
JASMINE
Well, I think I'm much better helping the cook. Don't
(No reply.)
JASMINE (CONT'D)
Is something the matter?
JED
They're a little restless tonight.
JASMINE
How can you tell?
JED
I feel it. Something ain't right.
JASMINE
Maybe you should sing to them.
JED
How makes you think I'd do that?
JASMINE
I heard you. A couple times. It was beautiful.
JED
I don't do that for public consumption.
JASMINE
You should make a record.
JED
We ain't got no electricity out here, and besides the c
could tell the difference between a voice and a record.
They ain't stupid.
JASMINE
Not to play it to cows, to play the record to people.
JED
I only sing to cattle. Maybe you can come back later s
can do that now.
JASMINE
Can't you do it with me here?
JED
I don't sing for people, I told you.
JASMINE
Just pretend I'm not here. Sing what you sang the othe
night. It was great.
JED
That's just something I made up.
JASMINE
It was about how you had a dream it was raining. I dre
like that, too. I think it started this way ...
(SINGING)
Hey, little doggies,
you've had a long day
JED & JASMINE
(SINGING)
I'll bring you some water
I'll bring you some hay
Tomorrow we gotta
get back on the trail
Tonight I'll have sweet dreams
Of rain and of hail
JED
(SINGING)
Sometimes you're restless
and sometimes you're still
Most of the time
You just do what you will
I ride here beside you,
I'm always close by
Your stench in my nostrils
Your dust in my eye
JASMINE
(SINGING)
A cow-puncher's life is
all wind, dust and fleas
He sweats thru the day
and at nighttime will freeze
Long before sun up
the cattle will call
and make a poor cowboy
rise up and stand tall
(Sounds of cattle mooing.)
JASMINE (CONT'D)
Hear that? The cows love it.
JED
That ain't cattle applause, it's restlessness. I got t
keep a close watch on 'em tonight. And I got to give y
the bad news.
JASMINE
What bad news is that?
JED
I'm sure you can figure it out. We're letting you go i
Montana.
JASMINE
But why?
JED
You can figure that out for yourself.
JASMINE
I know I'm not a very good cowboy--
JED
Jasmine, you're the worst cowboy I ever saw.
JASMINE
But I'm a good cook's helper!
JED
Cookie says you're up til nine, ten at night, still
scrubbing pots and pans.
JASMINE
I'm getting faster! Who cares how long they take, as l
as they're clean?
JED
I been looking over your application. Says this cow-
punching ain't your career goal anyway. Says you took
job to save up, so you can become a school teacher late
JASMINE
So?
JED
So who ever saved any money punching cattle? You know
someone, you send him my way so I can learn how to do t
(No reply.)
JED (CONT'D)
So what's the real reason?
(No reply.)
JED (CONT'D)
It's your dad, ain't it? As well known a cow puncher a
was, you feel you gotta follow in his footsteps.
JASMINE
I wanted to prove to him that I could do it.
JED
And what did you prove to yourself? You think you're g
at this?
JASMINE
Not at everything, no.
JED
Jasmine, you don't take up punching cows in the first p
unless you got no alternative. It's a lousy job. Look
us. Covered with saddle sores and fleas, sleeping on t
ground, rocks poking us in the ribs all night, up with
sun and working through the heat of the day, breathing
dust and manure all day -- it's a life more fit for coy
than people. I'm doing you a favor by firing you.
JASMINE
You're firing me?
JED
Afraid so. Trail boss told me to take care of it a few
ago. I've been getting up the nerve to tell you.
JASMINE
Oh, sure. What do you care?
JED
I like your enthusiasm. I like your spirit. No one ca
you ain't tried to be a cowboy.
JASMINE
I'm just not good enough for you.
JED
True enough. You can't pull your weight, Jasmine, and
affects everybody else. We're dropping you as soon as
get to Montana.
JASMINE
Let me make the drive back to Oklahoma! That'll be my
roundup.
JED
Listen, the trail boss wanted me to dump you right here
the middle of nowhere, with a horse and three-days supp
I couldn't do that.
JASMINE
If I can go with you back to Oklahoma, I'll quit. I
promise.
JED
This is a stupid business anyway. We drive this here h
from Texas to Montana, then pick up another and drive i
from Montana to Oklahoma. Why don't we just drive thes
here from Texas to Oklahoma and let Montana fend for it
Business end of this never did make sense. And the
railroads will put us out of business soon enough. Thi
a dead-end career, Jasmine. You're better off getting
of it while you can. I'm doing you a favor by firing y
JASMINE
Well, you can't fire me - because I quit!
JED
Really?
JASMINE
I was going to give you two-weeks' notice, but the way
you're treating me, I'm afraid I can't. I'm quitting a
soon as we get to Montana.
JED
Whatever you say, Jasmine.
JASMINE
I got plans.
JED
And what plans are they?
JASMINE
Well, I got options.
JED
Like what for instance?
JASMINE
Like becoming a school teacher.
JED
Now you're talking. I hope you're serious.
JASMINE
Why wouldn't I be serious?
JED
Because you're still worrying about what your old man's
gonna think. You become a school teacher and see how p
he'll be.
JASMINE
All he knows is cows.
JED
Which is all the more reason he don't want any of his
children to have anything to do with cattle. Believe m
I had kids, I wouldn't. It's not a life you want to pa
to anyone. You go be a school teacher, and make your o
man proud of you.
(A beat.)
JASMINE
Jed?
JED
Jasmine?
JASMINE
I'm scared.
JED
Nothing wrong with that.
JASMINE
What if I'm no good at school teaching either?
JED
Way you read books, smart as you are, gift of gab you g
and all that enthusiasm - you're a born school teacher.
just got to decide where to put down roots.
JASMINE
I was thinking about Oregon. It's growing like crazy o
there. I bet they need school teachers.
JED
I bet they do at-- ... sshh! You hear that?
(Below, sounds of MOOING and
agitation by the cattle.)
JASMINE
What?
JED
Something ain't right.
JASMINE
The cows?
JED
We call 'em cattle, Jasmine. Cattle or stock. Not cow
JASMINE
What's wrong?
JED
Something's spooking them. Something ain't right.
JASMINE
Maybe you should sing to them again.
JED
(SINGING)
"Whoopie tie-yie-yay, get along little doggies!..."
Dang, I'm afraid it's too late for that. We got a prob
here!
JASMINE
What?
JED
Stampede! Stampede!
JASMINE
Stampede!
(They ride off to stampede sounds
and BLACKOUT.)
(LIGHTS UP FULL. The next day.
Bright sun. Silence.)
(Jasmine is stretched out on the
ground. Jed kneels beside her.)
JED
That leg feeling any better?
JASMINE
Not really.
JED
I ain't surprised, that was a mighty bad fall.
JASMINE
I didn't mean to get in the way and mess everything up.
JED
Coulda been worse, is the way I figure it. This makes
future career decision easy, too.
JASMINE
I'm slowing everything up, aren't I? You're gonna be l
getting to Montana.
JED
We're about ready to get going. We got a wagon coming
you. Cookie will stay with you til it gets here.
JASMINE
Where am I going?
JED
There's a ranch not far from here. Doctor will be comi
to fix you up.
JASMINE
How long will it take for my leg to heal?
JED
That's for the doc to say. Don't you worry none, I'll
waiting for you in Montana.
JASMINE
You will?
JED
I been thinking about a career change myself. I just h
no idea what it will be. Maybe I'll raise some chicken
JASMINE
You should sing on the radio!
JED
I don't sing to people, Jasmine.
JASMINE
Well, you can sing to the chickens then.
JED
Reckon I can at that.
JASMINE
You want to come to Oregon with me?
JED
Maybe. On my way to California.
JASMINE
I'll be healed and ready to go before you know it.
JED
I figure you will at that. Well, I'd better get a move
JASMINE
Jed? Aren't you gonna give me five?
(She holds up his hand, waiting
for a high five.)
JED
I can do that, long as you don't mind the motion attrac
the buzzards.
JASMINE
Buzzards!
JED
Just pulling your leg, Jasmine. Gonna miss that. A ti
horn bites on everything.
(They high five.)
JASMINE
You'll really wait for me in Montana?
JED
In Butte, how's that? I'll be staying at the hotel on
Street.
JASMINE
The Butte Hotel it is.
JED
You take care.
(He gets up and gets on his stick
horse. He moves slowly off,
singing:)
JED (CONT'D)
(SINGING)
Hey, little doggies,
you've had a long day
I'll bring you some water
I'll bring you some hay
Tomorrow we gotta
get back on the trail
Tonight I'll have sweet dreams
Of rain and of hail
(He's gone.)
JASMINE
(SINGING)
Sometimes you're restless
and sometimes you're still
Most of the time
You just do what you will
I ride here beside you,
I'm always close by
Your stench in my nostrils
Your dust in my eye
A cow-puncher's life is
all wind, dust and fleas
He sweats thru the day
and at nighttime will freeze
Long before sun up
the cattle will call
and make a poor cowboy
rise up and stand tall
(The lights have faded to
BLACKOUT. The play is over.)