"THE OBSCENE INTERRUPTIONS OF WAR"

 

                                                     a play in one act

 

                                                                 by

 

                                                      Charles Deemer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                              3550 SW Pomona St.

                                                                                                              Portland, OR 97219-7518

                                                                                                              charles@charlesdeemer.com


 

 

 

                                                            THE CAST:

 

                                                            Henderson, McCall, Smith, Friply, Peters and Sgt.

                                                            Willards -- all American soldiers

 

                                                            The Prostitute

 

                                                            THE PLACE:

 

                                                            An Army post near a war zone

 

                                                            THE SET:

 

                                                            The latrine of a military billets. Facing the audience

                                                            are six toilets. The toilet to the audience's right is

                                                            painted red; the others are white. The stage if bare

                                                            except for the toilets.

 

                                                            THE TIME:

 

                                                            Any

 

                                                            -----

 

                                                            (AT RISE: the four toilets to the audience's left are

                                                            occupied, left to right, as follows: Henderson,

                                                            McCall, Smith, Friply. Each soldier wears fatigues.

                                                            It is Sunday morning. The soldiers are defecating

                                                            and reading an old newspaper from the States,

                                                            except for McCall, who is reading a book. Each

                                                            soldier has his own roll of toilet paper and is

                                                            protective of it. Toilet paper is a luxury in a war

                                                            zone.)

 

                                                            HENDERSON

                           (to audience)

The first interruption.

 

                                                            MCCALL

                           (to audience)

Language is obscene.

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            SMITH

                           (straining to defecate)

Uhhhhhhhhh ... uhhhhhhhhh ... uhhhhhhhhhh ...

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Who has fucking Sports?

 

                                                            (No reply.)


                                                                                                                                                  2.

 

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Sports, goddamn it!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I've got fucking Sports. Wait a goddamn minute.

 

                                                            SMITH

                           (straining, to Henderson)

Uhhhhhhhh ... what you got, man?

 

                                                            MCCALL

I've got healthy bowels.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

The motherfucker talks!

 

                                                            SMITH

I was talking to Henderson. Uhhhhhh ...

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Say something else, McCall. Just for the record.

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            SMITH

Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh ...

 

                                                            FRIPLY

McCall, you gonna speak up or not?

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Read us something from that jack-off book.

 

                                                            SMITH

Uhhhhhh ...

 

                                                            HENDERSON

                           (grabbing the back of McCall's neck)

Read, goddamn it!

 

                                                            MCCALL

                           (reading)

Out of the hollow / of the Great Buddha's nose / flew a swallow

 

                                                            HENDERSON

                           (releasing him)

Fuck. Friply, you gonna give me fucking Sports or not?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

In a fucking minute, shithead.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Suck on your tags.


                                                                                                                                                  3.

 

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Tastes better than your cock.

 

                                                            SMITH

What you got, Henderson? I got Comics.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I've seen the fucking Comics. Where the hell is Entertainment?

 

                                                            SMITH

You want Entertainment? Should have said so, man.

 

                                                            (Smith fetches the Entertainment section from the

                                                            floor.)

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I've got fucking Travel.

 

                                                            SMITH

Uhhhhhh ... Fucking-A. Here ...

 

                                                            (They exchange sections of the paper, passing

                                                            around McCall, who continues to read his book.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Goddamn Can you believe that  the fucking White Sox--

 

                                                            HENDERSON

You say one word, motherfucker, and your ass is grass. I want to read fucking Sports for

myself.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You seen Sports yet, Smitty?

 

                                                            SMITH

Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh ...

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I'm fucking next for Sports, man.

 

                                                            SMITH

Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh ... AH! Oh! Holy goddamn ...

 

                                                            MCCALL

Congratulations.

 

                                                            SMITH

No one asked for your opinion, Einstein. How come you've always got your nose in a

fucking book?

 

                                                            MCCALL

I enjoy reading. There's nothing else to do.


                                                                                                                                                  4.

 

 

                                                            HENDERSON

You'll get something to do soon enough.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Hey, asshole, I'll trade you Sports for your fucking book.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I'm next for fucking Sports!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

What say, McCall? You got any closeups of cunt in there?

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Pass the fucking Sports, Friply.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Sports for the book.

 

                                                            MCCALL

I don't think it would interest you.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I reserved fucking Sports, man. You heard me, Smitty. Didn't I reserve fucking Sports?

 

                                                            SMITH

It's between you guys, man.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Hey, asshole, how the fuck to you know what interests me? Pass the book and I'll let you

know.

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Sports, goddamn it!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck it. Where are the fucking Comics?

 

                                                            (Friply passes Sports to Henderson via the others.

                                                            Smith fetches Comics off the floor for Friply.)

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            (Henderson suddenly throws down the Sports section.

                                                            Friply starts laughing.)

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Fucking White Sox. I'd like to stick a bat up their ass. How could they fucking blow it?

 

                                                            MCCALL

Do you always have to swear all the time?


                                                                                                                                                  5.

 

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Fuck you.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck fuck you, McCall.

 

                                                            SMITH

Fuck fuck fuck fuck you.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

FUCK YOU!

 

                                                            HENDERSON & FRIPLY & SMITH

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you!

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Just one time, McCall. Pretty please? One little "fuck" from that stuckup mouth of yours.

 

                                                            MCCALL

So you've got freedom of speech. Congratulations. If you'd just use a euphemism now and

then, it wouldn't be so boring.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

A you-fucking what?

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            SMITH

So fucking entertain us, man. We bore you, you entertain us.

 

                                                            MCCALL

You've already entertained us.

 

                                                            SMITH

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

 

                                                            (Friply whispers something to Smith.)

 

                                                            SMITH

You leave my fucking bowels out of it, McCall! My bowels ain't none of your fucking

concern.

 

                                                            (Henderson grabs McCall's book.)

 

                                                            MCCALL

Damn it!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

What? Did you hear that? He swore! McCall fucking swore!

 

                                                            SMITH

What's the book, man?


                                                                                                                                                  6.

 

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Buddhism. Holy shit.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Return it, please.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Say pretty fucking please.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Pretty please.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Fucking please.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Stomp his ass, McCall. It's your fucking book. Don't put up with that shit.

 

                                                            (Peters enters, very hung over. He moves to the

                                                            vacant white toilet and starts to sit down.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Peters!

 

                                                            SMITH

Don't you sit your contaminated ass down there.

 

                                                            (Peters grins and moves to the red toilet. Peters

                                                            hasn't brought any toilet paper.)

 

                                                            PETERS

I need some paper, man.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I need a fucking discharge.

 

                                                            PETERS

I'm erupting like a volcano here. I'll pay you back next week.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You run out already?

 

                                                            PETERS

Couldn't help it, man. I'm on fire.

 

                                                            (Friply gives Peters some toilet paper.)

 

                                                            PETERS

Appreciate it.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

What do you want to read, Peters? How about a book on Buddhism?

 

                                                            (McCall grabs the book back.)


                                                                                                                                                  7.

 

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You gonna let him get away with that, Henderson? Stomp the motherfucker.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Fuck it. What's the point? Be like fucking a gook.

 

                                                            SMITH

Kraut.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Nip.

 

                                                            SMITH

Chink.

 

                                                            PETERS

Spick.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Slope.

 

                                                            SMITH

Wop.

 

                                                            PETERS

Kike.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Nigger.

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            MCCALL

                           (reading)

The mysterious smile / on the Great Buddha's face / is a frown / if you stand on your head

 

                                                            (A beat.)

 

                                                            PETERS

                           (to audience)

The second interruption.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

                           (to audience)

Fear is obscene.

 

                                                            (The soldiers get up, zip up, and move forward.

                                                            Facing the audience, they go through the motions of

                                                            brushing their teeth, shaving, washing, etc.)

 

                                                            (Sgt. Willards enters.)


                                                                                                                                                  8.

 

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

You children have exactly fifty-eight minutes before we move out and see what kind of

men you are. So I don't want to see no dragging ass.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            (McCall starts to shake, close to tears. He cuts

                                                            himself while shaving, reacts. Henderson notices

                                                            McCall's state and begins to whistle happily, "Over

                                                            there, over there ..."

 

                                                            SMITH

Leave him be, Henderson.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

You blowing breath my way, soldier?

 

                                                            SMITH

Lay off. It's no picnic we're going to.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I don't know about that. I've always enjoyed stepping on ants. That's all there is to it, man.

Stepping on fucking ants.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Could you keep your drooling to yourself?

 

                                                            HENDERSON

You chickenshit, too? Fuck, man. Time's are bad when a soldier's got to shave next to a

lineup of fucking children. Time's are fucking bad. See you chickenshits in the war.

 

                                                            (He exits. McCall starts to weep.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck.

 

                                                            SMITH

Lay off.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I don't want to brush my teeth next to no goddamn crybaby!

 

                                                            SMITH

You're as scared as I am.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I ain't no fucking crybaby. Am I? Look at me. You see any fucking tears?

 

                                                            (McCall weeps.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Somebody shut him up!


                                                                                                                                                  9.

 

 

                                                            MCCALL

McCall? Hang in there, man. Crying on like that ain't gonna do shit.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            SMITH

Cool it, man. No use worrying about shit you got no control over. Hang in there.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            PETERS

You afraid to die, man?

 

                                                            (McCall weeps.)

 

                                                            PETERS

What if they bombed your hometown and you died that way? You like that any better?

You ain't the first to shed tears, man. You just don't have the good sense to do it when

nobody's around. I've cried a little myself. So I'll leave you alone, man. Bawl all you want.

Cause later, man, when we're out there, ain't no time for that shit. You read me? We got

no time for that shit out there. So get it out of your system now.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            (McCall weeps. A beat.)

 

                                                            (Friply and Smith enter, taking the white toilets to

                                                            the left and right.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

                           (to audience)

The third interruptions.

 

                                                            SMITH

                           (to audience)

Sex is obscene.

 

                                                            (McCall moves to the toilet next to Smith. He reads

                                                            his book. The others read the paper.)

 

                                                            SMITH

Where's Sports?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Beat you to it.

 

                                                            (Henderson enters.)

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Morning, heroes.


                                                                                                                                                10.

 

 

                                                            FRIPLY

What say.

 

                                                            SMITH

Morning.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I was talking to McCall.

 

                                                            (He laughs and takes the toilet between Friply and

                                                            McCall.)

 

                                                            SMITH

Friply's got Sports and I'm next.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I think I'll just sit here and contemplate last night's pussy. How'd you guys make out?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

No complaints, man. You don't see me on no goddamn red toilet either.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Guess even McCall got laid last night. So how do you like the war now, candyass? Not so

bad, considering the pussy you get in return ... I'm speaking to you, fuckhead.

 

                                                            MCCALL

I stayed on post last night.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fucking dumb.

 

                                                            SMITH

Got to take your passes when you get them, man.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fucking-A. Man, I screwed til my eyeballs popped out. I'm set for a month.

 

                                                            (Peters enters. He's drunk.)

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Look what the fucking cat drug in.

 

                                                            PETERS

Other way, man.

 

                                                            SMITH

You are still fucking bombed.

 

                                                            PETERS

I drug in the cat. I drug in the pussy.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

If you got a bottle, you damn well better share it.


                                                                                                                                                11.

 

 

                                                            PETERS

Wait a minute.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

He's got a fucking bottle.

 

                                                            SMITH

He sign in last night?

 

                                                            HENDERSON

If he did, he ain't been to bed.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Long as he shares the fucking bottle, man.

 

                                                            (Peters returns with The Prostitute, who carries a

                                                            purse.)

 

                                                            PETERS

Ta-da!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck.

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

No fuckee!

 

                                                            PETERS

Don't sweat it, honey. Listen, guys, which one of you wants to zip up? We need a little

ceremony here.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You need a fucking what?

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

No fuckee, no--!

 

                                                            PETERS

Alright! We love, yes?

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

We love.

 

                                                            PETERS

Hear that? So who's going to say the magic words?

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Man, you really shouldn't have done this. If the Sarge catches her on post--

 

                                                            PETERS

He ain't catching shit. You think I wouldn't check my bases, man? Shit. He's in his cadre

room, shacked up with a fifth.


                                                                                                                                                12.

 

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You'd better hope he doesn't wake up with a piss-on. Your ass will be grass.

 

                                                            (McCall begins to wipe and will zip up and leave.)

 

                                                            PETERS

I'll be out of here as soon as one of you assholes gives us a little ceremony. Come on,

Friply, goddamn it. You've been trying to shit for two months.

 

                                                            SMITH

What the fuck is going on, man?

 

                                                            PETERS

We're getting married.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Getting married!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck.

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

No--!

 

                                                            PETERS

No fuckee! Just wait a goddamn minute, sweetheart. Listen, McCall, do me a favor. Take

Rosie here and wait outside a minute. Okay? It'll just take me a minute to set things up.

 

                                                            MCCALL

I don't think I--

 

                                                            PETERS

You go with him, honey. Okay? You go him.

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

No fuckee!

 

                                                            PETERS

No fuckee, right. We love. No fuckee him. He's the safest motherfucker in the United

States Army. You go him.

 

                                                            (Peters escorts them out of the latrine.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I have seen every fucking thing now.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Married my ass. You are shell-shocked. Fucking drunk is no excuse for this shit.

 

                                                            PETERS

Ssshhh. I just want a phony ceremony, man. Quick and simple.

 

                                                            SMITH

You can't have a wedding ceremony in the fucking latrine.


                                                                                                                                                13.

 

 

                                                            PETERS

Phony, I said. Henderson, just saw a few words while we hold hands. Don't have to mean

shit, long as you stick in a couple "loves" now and then. She understands "love," "fuck"

and not much else. Look, I even got a ring.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

I don't fucking get it.

 

                                                            PETERS

Is it any hair off your ass to say ten goddamn words for us? What's the big deal?

 

                                                            SMITH

What's the big deal! You drag a goddamn whore in here while I'm trying to shit and--

 

                                                            PETERS

Ten fucking words! Four "loves" and six any goddamn other words you want. Is that too

much to ask? Four goddamn "loves."

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Not me.

 

                                                            PETERS

For a buddy, man!

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Later for that shit.

 

                                                            SMITH

Don't look at me, man.

 

                                                            PETERS

Friply ...

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Maybe.

 

                                                            PETERS

Alright!

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Maybe! If you tell me what the fuck is going on. I mean, really going on.

 

                                                            PETERS

It's too complicated.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Then no deal.

 

                                                            PETERS

For a buddy. Four "loves" and six fucking words.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I don't get my ass into no shit I don't know about.


                                                                                                                                                14.

 

 

                                                            PETERS

Okay. It's like this. It's her idea, okay? Certain things she don't want to do until she's

married. Look, I kind of dig her. So what the fuck, right? I told her I had a buddy who was

a preacher back in the States.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Fuck, Peters, where do you come up with these fucking whores? All you'll do is give her

the goddamn crabs.

 

                                                            SMITH

Assuming she's clean to begin with.

 

                                                            PETERS

I have a buddy who's a preacher. Okay? That's all there is to it.

 

                                                            SMITH

Incredible. You find the only whore in the goddamn universe who won't blow you unless

you're married.

 

                                                            PETERS

Four "loves" and six fucking words! It's no hair off anybody's ass. She don't know English

for shit. I even got a ring.

 

                                                            (The Prostitute enters. The soldiers quickly begin to

                                                            wipe and zip up to leave.)

 

                                                            PETERS

It's all set, sweetheart. Chaplain. Friply. We're ready when you are.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck, Peters.

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

No f--!

 

                                                            PETERS

No fuckee! Goddamn it, man, don't use that word around her.

                           (to Prostitute)

You, me, only fuckee. Love and fuckee. Marry and fuckee.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

                           (exiting)

Have a swell honeymoon.

 

                                                            PETERS

                           (after him)

Be our best man!

 

                                                            (A beat. Peters turns to Smith.)

 

                                                            SMITH

No me, Peters. No way.


                                                                                                                                                15.

 

 

                                                            PETERS

Don't let me down.

 

                                                            SMITH

Get McCall. He's dumb enough. Maybe.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

It'll cost you, buddy.

 

                                                            PETERS

I'll give you my next ration of toilet paper.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You already owe me half a roll.

 

                                                            PETERS

I'll give you the whole fucking roll. No fuckee! We need a ceremony bad, man.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

This is nuts.

 

                                                            PETERS

Look, it was her idea to come up here in the first place. She wanted to see the post.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

I thought she didn't understand English.

 

                                                            PETERS

Her girl friend said she wanted to see the post. She's here, ain't she? Be a buddy, man.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You got a bottle, don't you?

 

                                                            PETERS

Man, I'm in a hurry here.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

No wedding.

 

                                                            PETERS

Okay. I got a bottle hidden in Motor Pool.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

The full roll of toilet paper and the bottle.

 

                                                            PETERS

You really know how to hurt a guy.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You've lucky I recognize true love when I see it. I could insist on seconds.


                                                                                                                                                16.

 

 

                                                            PETERS

Then you'll do it?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

In Motor Pool. Just so I see there's a bottle. Besides, even a shithead like you doesn't

deserve to get married in a fucking latrine.

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

No fuckee!

 

                                                            PETERS

No fuckee!

 

                                                            (They all exit.)

 

                                                            (Sgt. Willard enters.)

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

                           (to audience)

The fourth interruption. Disorder is obscene.

 

                                                            (The other soldiers enter with brooms, mops,

                                                            sponges, etc., for a G.I. party.)

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Come on, dragasses, we ain't got all night. Little hustle, little hustle. The old man will

render his presence at midnight and would be forlornly upset to find that this shithouse is

still a shithouse. He wants to see some sparkle. He wants magnificent radiance beaming

from these shitters. Do you read me? He wants this shithouse to sparkle like the firmament.

He wants this shithouse as immaculate as a church.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

We got the picture, Sarge.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

I am happy you get the picture, Henderson. I will be even happier to see you engage some

elbow greese. Or is the term too old-fashioned for your comprende?

 

                                                            SMITH

What about Peters, Sarge?

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Don't you fret, boy. The old man will take care of Peters.

 

                                                            SMITH

I don't think it's fair that--

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

May I make a forthright suggestion? Whenever you find yourself asking a question,

consider that you are not working with the dedication this man's Army like to see. Read

me? This shithouse will sparkle by midnight. I want to think I'm walking into a church.

You have four hours. Which, in your case, will be a fucking horserace.

 

                                                            (Sgt. Willards goes to McCall and removes a


                                                                                                                                                17.

 

 

                                                            paperback book from his back pocket. McCall starts

                                                            to object but changes his mind.)

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Did you want to say something? If not, close your mouth.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Can I have my book back?

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Tomorrow. If you impress me tonight. Anything else?

 

                                                            MCCALL

I don't see why we all have to suffer because of Peters.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Because you could just as easily be dead because of Peters. Because there ain't no fucking

individuals in the Army. And most important of all, McCall, because the old man said so.

 

                                                            MCCALL

But--

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

The only butt in question is yours. If you don't want it in more trouble than it already is,

get your ass in gear.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Yes, sir.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

You don't call a sergeant "sir," McCall.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Yes, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

That's better. McCall, even though I know you do that on purpose, just because you think

your fat brain makes you better than the rest of us jerkoffs; just because you think it is

very clever to call a sergeant "sir," that is might occasionally slip over his head, and if not

at least piss him off a little; even though I know all these things, McCall, and know

fucking well that you know that I know -- nonetheless, boy, "Yes, sergeant" is still much,

much better. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!

 

                                                            (Peters enters.)

 

                                                            PETERS

The captain told me to report to you, Peters.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

He did, did he?

 

                                                            PETERS

Yes, Sergeant.


                                                                                                                                                18.

 

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Very well. We are having a tiny party, as you can see. How would you like to join us?

 

                                                            PETERS

Yes, Sergeant.

 

                                                            (He moves to join in.)

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Wait a goddamn minute. Did I tell you to join the party? Or did I merely inquire about

your preferences?

 

                                                            PETERS

My preferences, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm putting you in charge of these assholes ... Did you

say something, Friply?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

No, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Good. Peters, my boy, some of your buddies here think it's highly unfair that they have to

have a party just because you had one. That isn't very compassionate of them, is it? ... I

asked you a question.

 

                                                            PETERS

No, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

It suggests a good deal of ignorance about the nature of our organization. Am I right?

 

                                                            PETERS

Yes, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Now since your part is responsible for their party, and not the other way around, it is only

logical that they clean up this shithouse while you watch. In other words, while you honcho.

And why should this be? Because I say so. Am I correct?

 

                                                            PETERS

Yes, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Of course, by being honcho, you also get a certain amount of responsibility. If this

shithouse doesn't look like a church by midnight, you will be the one who gets crucified.

Are we mutually clear on that point?

 

                                                            PETERS

Yes, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Very good.


                                                                                                                                                19.

 

 

                                                            PETERS

Yes, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

Any fucking scenes in this book, McCall?

 

                                                            MCCALL

No, Sergeant.

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

I'll leave it on your bunk.

 

                                                            (He exits.)

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Way to be, asshole.

 

                                                            PETERS

Let me help. I'll mop.

 

                                                            SMITH

You won't do shit.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

We're very particular about our party guests.

 

                                                            PETERS

What can I say? I'm sorry.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Why the fuck didn't you go back to town?

 

                                                            PETERS

We were. She just wanted to look around post first.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You need your fucking brains reamed.

 

                                                            PETERS

How the hell was I supposed to know the old man would be snooping around? It's fucking

Sunday.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Could we all shut up long enough to get this place clean?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Fuck you.

 

                                                            PETERS

Come on, man, let me help.


                                                                                                                                                20.

 

 

                                                            HENDERSON

Orders are fucking orders. Watch us and suffer.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

So what happened to the cunt?

 

                                                            PETERS

She's back in town, I guess.

 

                                                            SMITH

You don't know?

 

                                                            PETERS

Last time I saw her she was climbing in the back of a deuce-and-a-half to hide. I told the

old man she'd already made it over the fence. He didn't know the difference. He only saw

us from across the fucking parade field.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

How noble to save her fucking ass.

 

                                                            PETERS

I told her to hit the fence but she ran for the truck instead. If the old man didn't see her,

what was I supposed to do? Squeal?

 

                                                            FRIPLY

You weren't supposed to bring her fucking ass on post in the first place.

 

                                                            MCCALL

I don't intend to clean the whole place by myself.

 

                                                            FRIPLY

So fucking don't. Go get your Buddha-book and jack off.

 

                                                            PETERS

Give me a sponge.

 

                                                            MCCALL

Gladly.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

No you fucking don't.

 

                                                            MCCALL

He should help.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

He's honcho.

 

                                                            SMITH

He doesn't get the privilege to help.

 

                                                            MCCALL

I'd hardly call it--


                                                                                                                                                21.

 

 

                                                            FRIPLY

Shut the fuck up and get on your sponge. Peters ain't helping us.

 

                                                            HENDERSON

McCall, you don't understand shit. You are one fucking idiot.

 

                                                            (The Prostitute enters. She is holding a grenade.)

 

                                                            THE PROSTITUTE

You die, fuckee G.I.!

 

                                                            (Henderson instinctively pushes McCall toward The

                                                            Prostitute ... and

 

                                                            Quick blackout.)

 

                                                            (LIGHTS UP as Sgt. Willards enters and steps

                                                            forward. McCall's body lies on the floor. As Sgt.

                                                            Willards reads a letter, the other soldiers lean

                                                            McCall's body against a toilet and pin a medal on

                                                            him.)

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

The final interruption. ... Dear Mr. and Mrs. McCall: In posthumous recognition of her

heroism -- when, by throwing his body upon a live grenade tossed into his billets by an

enemy insurgent, Private McCall did absorb the shock and consequences of said grenade's

detonation and in so doing did save the lives of four companions -- be it hereby declared

that Private McCall, by proclamation of Congress and over the signature of the President

of the United States, is awarded this nation's highest military honor.

 

                                                            SMITH

In Kansas, it's Private McCall Day!

 

                                                            PETERS

Everybody loves a parade!

 

                                                            (The soldiers except Sgt. Willards and McCall exit.

                                                            They march in unison.)

 

                                                            SOLDIERS

Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? McCall! McCall! MAAAAA ... CALL!

 

                                                            (Sgt. Willards removes his cap.)

 

                                                            SGT. WILLARDS

I wanted to express my regrets personally, ma'am. Your son was a fine soldier. You should

be very proud.

 

                                                            (He salutes the audience. And exits.)

 

                                                            (McCall's body leans against a toilet. He opens his

                                                            eyes.)


                                                                                                                                                22.

 

 

                                                            MCCALL

Out of the hollow / of the Great Buddha's nose / flew a swallow.

 

                                                            (BLACKOUT. The play is over.)