Example of poor screenwriting

This example reads like fiction writing, not screenwriting. I rewrite it.


EXT. KNASH HOUSE - OUTSIDE - DAY
> 
> The house is huge, made sometime in
> the 40's or 50's and shows it's age,
> the paint is flaking off, the roof
> needs some repair, and a few of the
> windows are cracked.
> 
> The house sits on 1-2 acres lot,
> within a small town neighborhood,
> but looks like it should be out in
> the country somewhere.
> 
> Around the house are rows of old
> cars.  Most of the cars are 60's to
> early 70's muscle cars, in various
> stages of being restored or needing
> to be restored.  
> 
> Behind the house, wherever there
> aren't any cars or car parts, there
> are animal pens set up, housing
> various sorts of animals - a couple
> of colts in one, maybe an emu or
> kangaroo in another, rabbits, a donkey,
> and some various animals.  A few big
> dogs are running loose, and chickens
> and a few other birds are loose,
> roaming around the yard.
> 
> A rather beat-up four-wheel drive
> Pickup pulls up to the side of the
> house. CALI, 30s, pretty, wearing a
> blackjack dealer uniform and firmly
> grasping a newspaper, steps down out
> of the truck.  A couple dogs run to
> meet her.  Cali greets them and rushes
> down a row of cars across the front of
> the house, side stepping chickens here
> and there.  As she passes one car that
> is jacked up, Cali doesn't there are
> two sets of legs sticking out from
> underneath it.
> 
> FREDDY, 40s, good looking, and MICKEY,
> 12, long-blonde hair that is always a
> little messy, are working under the car
> trying to pull a transmission. 
> 
> Cali enters the house.
> 
> 
* HUGELY over-written. This is fiction writing, not screenwriting. 
Here is screenwriting:

EXT. NASH HOUSE - DAY

The huge house shows its age. It sits on a large lot.

Around the house are old cars in various stages of restoration. 

Behind the house, animal pens crowd among the cars. A zoo: colts, 
rabbits, donkeys, a kangeroo.

Dogs and chickens roam loose.

A beat-up pickup pulls to the side of the house. Getting out is 
CALI, 30s, wearing her blackjack dealer's uniform.

On her way to the house she passes a car out of which stick two 
pairs of legs. Mechanics at work.

Cali enters the house.




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10/01