Student Example


Kelly Griffin, one of my online students, wrote the scene below for a writing exercise: show the breakup of a couple in a dialogue scene that doesn't directly address the breakup. In other words, communicate the essence of the scene through action and subtext.

Here is what Kelly wrote:


INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A room in chaos. Boxes everywhere, newspapers scattered
across the floor. 

In the center of the chaos, JAN, 20, sorts through a pile of
CDs. She tosses some in a box and sets others aside. 

She looks out the front window as a car enters the driveway.
Her eyes move to the clock on the mantel.

BRUCE, 21, enters the room, nearly tripping over a box.

                                   JAN
                         I thought you weren't going to be
                         home till 6.

                                   BRUCE
                         I skipped rehearsal.

                                   JAN
                         But we agreed --

                                   BRUCE
                         It's my apartment too. 

Jan walks to a bookcase and grabs a handful of books.

Bruce steps over to an open box and looks inside. Pulls out a
book and holds it up.

                                   BRUCE
                         Three Pillars of Zen? This is mine.

                                   JAN
                         You gave it to me. Said you were
                         through with Eastern philosophy. 

She drops her load of books into the box and turns back to
the shelf. 

                                   JAN
                         Keep it if you want. I'll buy my
                         own copy.

Bruce drops the book back in the box.

                                   BRUCE
                         Read all the Buddhism you want.
                         You'll never wake up.

He disappears into the kitchen.

                                   JAN
                         And you'll never grow up.

Bruce reappears in the doorway, holding a beer. 

                                   BRUCE
                         Everything I ever wanted to know I
                         learned in kindergarten.

                                   JAN
                         I thought that was cute the first
                         time you said it. I didn't know you
                         were serious.

She seals a box with packing tape and severs the tape with a
knife. 

                                   JAN
                         I'll finish this tomorrow while
                         you're at the theater.

She gets her purse from the couch and heads toward the front
door. 

                                   JAN
                         Break a leg.

This is first-class screenwriting. Crisp, clean, showing rather than telling. Great dialogue ("Read all the Buddhism you want. You'll never wake up." is terrific), meaningful action.

The only two things I would change are, first, this line: "She looks out the front window as a car enters the driveway." I'd write it this way: "She looks out the front window. A car enters the driveway." Not only do we write more simply but we isolate the car, inviting a POV shot without crossing the line into directing the movie. If you want to invite this even more (i.e. do it! do it!), you could give the car its own paragraph.

Also, after Bruce leaves there should be a line about Jan to fill the time it takes for him to grab a beer.


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