Christmas at the Juniper Tavern

a play in two acts

by Charles Deemer

 

First performed at the Wilson Center for the Performing Arts in Portland, Oregon, on January 5, 1984. Directed by Steve Smith.

 

Produced for public television, winner of ACE award. 

 

 

THE CAST (4M, 5W):

Stella, owner of the Juniper Tavern, a no-nonsense woman.

Frank, an unemployed mill worker, a Korean vet, a little lost.

Rex, an unemployed log truck driver, imaginative, a little crazy.

Margie, his wife, not too smart.

Sheriff Billy of Juniper County, more heart than brain.

Ann, a young woman, searching.

Joy, her mother, a college professor, bright and cynical.

Swami Kree, guru of the Kree cult.

Ma Prama Rama Kree, his personal secretary, protective, suspicious.

 

THE TIME:

Christmas, 1979.

 

THE SET:

The Juniper tavern. A bar, tables. A jukebox. A Christmas tree with presents under it. Stage right to restrooms. A telephone on the wall. A door behind the bar leads to a storage area.

Two other areas must be defined: a neutral playing area; area for car interiors.

 

“Song of the Swami” by Lynne Fuqua.

Logging poems by Fred Ross.


 

ACT ONE

 

 

Scene One

 

(AT RISE: Frank and Stella are waltzing to an instrumental version of "Silent Night" on the jukebox. The mood is romantic; it could be Saturday night, they could be dancing to "Waltz Across Texas." The music stops.)

 

FRANK: Want me to put in some more quarters?

STELLA: Sit down a minute. You look antsy.

 

(Frank sits down at the bar. Stella goes behind it.)

 

FRANK: Not enough sleep.

STELLA: You look antsy and you dance antsy. What's on your mind, Frank?

FRANK: (to change the subject) You mad I woke you?

STELLA: I thought maybe you had something important to talk about.

FRANK: I'm hardly awake. You pouring yet?

 

(She pours him a beer.)

 

FRANK: Seems like I sleep less when I'm laid off than when I'm working.

STELLA: I wonder why.

FRANK: Maybe I am antsy.

STELLA: So it’s just being out of work that's bothering you?

FRANK: Hell, I don't know. What do you mean, I dance antsy?

STELLA: All stiff, like you don't want to be here.

FRANK: Why'd I wake you if I don't want to be here?

STELLA: That's what I'm asking, Frank.

 

(He doesn't reply. A pause.)

 

FRANK: You want to exchange gifts before you open?

STELLA: You oughtn't've gotten me anything, being out of work.

FRANK: Hell, it's nothing like I wanted to get.

STELLA: You want to exchange presents or you want to tell me what's bothering you?

FRANK: You sure are persistent this morning.

STELLA: Whichever you want, Frank.

FRANK: I came by, Stella because — hell, it's Christmas.

STELLA: Let's open presents.

 

(As Stella starts for the tree, there's a loud banging on the front door of the tavern.)

 

REX: (off stage) Stella! Merry Christmas in there! Hey, open up, will you?

 

(Frank tips his baseball cap knowingly to Stella, then goes to answer the door. Stella comes downstage, the lights change to a spotlight on her and she speaks to the audience.)

 

STELLA: Some folks say it's a sin to open up on Christmas Day. Whoever thinks that can take a flying you-know-what at the moon.    

You see, we got people here in Juniper, the tavern's the only home they know. Or it's the only place they can really relax and have a little fun. This is especially true with the mill closed like it is. Half the men in Juniper work at the mill, or depend on the mill being open, which means most ain't been working for almost a year now, and there's nothing to do at home but stare at the bills piling up.

I lowered my beer prices when the mill closed down. It's the least I could do. Just like that sign I put up outside. There's folks who think I did that for the publicity but I didn't ask no reporter to come snooping around about it. I put up that sign because it was needed. Ever since that religious cult took over the old Thompson spread, 15 miles out on Old Ranch Road, tourists speed by here like Juniper's as worthless as a eunuch in a whore house. They just want to hurry out to the ranch so they can stare at all the blue shirts and at that Swami's 26 Rolls-Royces. The only reason I put up that sign was to protect my customers:

SLOW DOWN, GODDAMN IT! DRUNKS CROSS HERE!

 

(LIGHTS UP on tavern, with Rex and Margie entering.)

 

REX: This a private party?

STELLA: Not any more. What's your poison?

MARGIE: Beer and tomato juice for me. Rex?

REX: Frank and I will be right back.

MARGIE: Don't you go running out on me on Christmas morning!

REX: I gotta get your present. Be back in a jiff.

 

(Frank and Rex start out.)

 

MARGIE: (after them) What're you talking about, present? Rex!

 

(They exit.)

 

MARGIE: We can't afford no presents. The Sage Tavern isn't open this early, is it?

STELLA: We got the only drink in town today.

 

(Stella gives Margie her beer and tomato juice.)

 

MARGIE: Bet he's got a bottle hid in the pickup. He's been drinking for three days. Didn't get in til five this morning.

 

(A pause.)

 

MARGIE: Frank spend the night upstairs?

STELLA: No, he woke me a couple hours ago.

MARGIE: Did he ask you?

STELLA: Even if he was fixing to, I don't think he'd pop the question this early in the  morning.

MARGIE: Rex gets romantic after drinking all night. I'll bet they was together last night.

STELLA: May be.

MARGIE: He's gonna ask you one of these days. You know you got your bags packed.

STELLA: I think Frank's too set in his ways to marry.

MARGIE: The engagement can't last forever, Stella. You either get hitched or break up. Something's gotta break the monotony.

STELLA: We're not engaged.

MARGIE: Time he spends upstairs, it's the same difference.

STELLA: We have a nice arrangement.

MARGIE: For him.

STELLA: For me, too. We both need a little room.

MARGIE: That's what Rex says. Then he stays out drinking all night.

STELLA: You know how men get when the mill's closed. Happens every recession. But the mill's gotta open up sooner or later. It always does.

MARGIE: I don't know how much longer I can stand it. Our benefits end next month. We're already dipping into savings.

STELLA: Don't fret about it on Christmas. Have one on me.

 

(She turns a glass upside down in front of Margie, marking her for another drink.)

 

MARGIE: I wonder if he really got me a present. We made a deal not to exchange gifts this year. That son-of-a-bitch.

STELLA: If he got you something, you tell him he has fifteen dollars on credit right here — a gift certificate.

MARGIE: You don't have to do that.

STELLA: I know. Come on, cheer up. I'm feeling Christmasy. Look here, a card from Fred Ross came yesterday.

 

(She hands Margie a Christmas card.)

 

MARGIE: Didn't he go to the valley looking for work? Rex heard he ended up in Junction City.

STELLA: The postmark don't show through too good.

MARGIE: Postmark doesn't mean a thing any more. My sister in Rock Springs? I got a card from her, the postmark said Gopher.

STELLA: Maybe she mailed it in Gopher.

MARGIE: She can't stand Gopher. If she needs a bigger store than Rock Springs, she drives to one of the malls in Eugene. The post office just took away Rock Springs' postmark and gave them Gopher. Post office don't give a damn if folks don't want a Gopher postmark on their letters. Criminy.

STELLA: If it's more efficient that way, maybe the price of stamps won't go up.

MARGIE: My sister hates Gopher!

STELLA: Fred sent a poem with the card.

MARGIE: That's Fred.

STELLA: It was published in Logger's World.

MARGIE: Fred Ross got published in a magazine?

 

(SHERIFF BILLY enters. He is in uniform.)

 

BILLY: Merry Christmas, all.

STELLA: Merry Christmas, Billy.

MARGIE: Fred Ross published a poem.

BILLY: So?

MARGIE: So whoever expected Fred Ross to publish a poem in a magazine?

STELLA: Right here in Logger's World.

BILLY: Let me see that.

 

(Stella gives Billy the poem.)

 

BILLY: I'll be damned.

MARGIE: Think he got paid?

BILLY: Respectable magazine like Logger's World? He's a damn fool if he let them have it for nothing.

STELLA: Read it out loud.

BILLY: There here is one of my favorites:

 

(reading) There's an empty seat on the crummy,

Where used to sit Hook Jack.

In a little bungalow in the suburbs,

There's a new widow dressed in black.

 

It happened last Thursday afternoon;

There was nothing anyone could do.

The puncher ran into a hang-up

And jerked the mainline in two.

 

So Old Jack is in Logger's Heaven,

And many stories have been told

About the cold brooks that trickle by the wayside,

And the streets are paved with gold.

 

We know when at last we join him,

He'll have the layout made,

And with his coffee jug beside him,

He'll be sitting in the shade.

 

Then Old Jack will rise,

This logger big and strong;

“I been through a whole pot of coffee!

What took you guys so long?

 

Up here they only fly one choker

And there's four men on the crew.

You don't have to wear your hard cats,

And your cork boots are shiny and new.

 

The crummies are all air-conditioned,

The side rods never come round.

The yarders all have mufflers

And never make a sound.

 

There's no such thing as Monday

And you'll all get paid every day.

The cookshack door is always open

To feed each and every stray.

 

Sometimes I think it's almost too easy

For a high-ball logging man,

Who gave all those years of his life

In pursuit of the silver strands.”

 

(A pause.)

 

BILLY: I can almost hear Fred reciting it himself.

STELLA: Fred must be doing good enough.

MARGIE: Bet he didn't get paid enough to get drunk on.

BILLY: (reciting from memory) His hickory shirt was glazed with dirt

As he stepped up to the bar.

“Gimme a shot of your rotgut whiskey

And the butt of an old cigar.

 

I'm in from the cold where the vine maples grow

And the dogwoods bloom in the spring.

I've been in the woods for thirty years

And I haven't accomplished a thing.”

 

Jesus, Fred Ross can write! (He raises his glass to make s toast.) Merry Christmas, Fred, wherever you are.

STELLA: It was a nice present, seeing Fred get a poem published. I miss him around here.

BILLY: I got a present for you myself.

 

(He hands her his ticket book.)

 

STELLA: I know it's easy to get your quota of speeders these days.

BILLY: This ain't just another speeder. Look at the car make.

STELLA: A Rolls-Royce. You mean ... ?

BILLY: Nailed the Swami himself!

STELLA: You mean he was driving?

BILLY: He's such a con-man, he don't have to do diddly-squat. One of his blue shirts was driving. They was pushing eighty.

MARGIE: You can't touch the Swami if he wasn't driving.

BILLY: I still nailed him with a fat fine.

MARGIE: Big deal. If he can afford twenty-two Rolls-Royces —

STELLA: Twenty-six. He got four for his birthday last month.

MARGIE: He can damn well afford a speeding ticket.

BILLY: Twenty-five Rolls-Royces. That's why he was speeding, trying to catch a car thief.

STELLA: Somebody stole one of his cars?

BILLY: Ain't that something? (Toasting) Merry Christmas!

STELLA: Merry Christmas!

BILLY: I stopped by to enjoy it while I can. I'm the poor son-of-a-bitch who's supposed to find it. Hell of a deal.

MARGIE: Since when it is your job to chase car thieves?

BILLY: This county is my jurisdiction and if it happens in Juniper County, then yours truly is on the case. I chased rustlers, I can damn well chase car thieves.

MARGIE: Rustlers, hell.

BILLY: You take a man's goat, that's rustling, same as a cow — makes no difference if Rex was drunk or sober.

MARGIE: Rex won that damn goat at cards.

BILLY: That's not what Luke said.

MARGIE: One man's word against another. You can't question the damn goat.

BILLY: If he won it at cards, why'd he give it back so easy?

MARGIE: Because I don't need no goat chewing up my lawn!

BILLY: Anyway, I imagine they're halfway to Portland by now. You can't hide a Rolls-Royce around here. I'll check out the countryside and that ought to take care of it as far as I'm concerned. I got to play Santa Claus at the hospital later anyway.

MARGIE: Don't you get tired of doing that every year?

BILLY: I like it. Hell, I can play Santa with my eyes shut.

STELLA: Billy being Santa Claus is practically an institution.

 

(Frank enters.)

 

MARGIE: (quickly) Where's Rex?

FRANK: (avoiding the question) Billy ... thought they'd give you the day off.

BILLY: I get off pretty quick now. Gotta put on my Santa suit.

MARGIE: Where the hell is he, Frank?

FRANK: Stella, I'm buying the house a Christmas drink.

BILLY: I'll take a rain check. Frank, would you believe I have to look for a Rolls-Royce? That poor damn Swami, somebody took one of his Rollses and now the poor son-of-a-bitch is down to twenty-five. Some folks carry bad luck in their pocket.

 

(He exits.)

 

MARGIE: Where's Rex, Frank? I don't like the look on your face.

FRANK: He's ... outside.

MARGIE: Why don't he come in? He got a present for me out there?

FRANK: Sort of.

MARGIE: That son-of-a-bitch. We made a deal.

 

(Billy returns and makes a slow cross to the bar. All eyes are on him. He leans on the end of the bar.)

 

BILLY: You think that Swami plays cards? I hope so. Rex is out front, relieving himself on the front fender of a Rolls-Royce. Now, Frank, if you know anything about this, I'd be obliged to listen.

FRANK: Don't know what to tell you, Billy.

BILLY: The way I figure it, you were playing poker over in that ashram. And the Swami, being a foreigner, it was duck soup, right? Ain't that what happened, Billy?

FRANK: Sure, Billy, you got it exactly.

BILLY: That's what I figured.

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Two

 

(LIGHTS RISE on MA in the neutral area. She wears the blue clothing of the Kree cult and speaks to the audience. Her accent is from India.)

 

MA: You Americans are full of contradictions. I was educated in your country and know something about you. On the one hand, you represent the ideal of freedom in the Western world. And then you come in droves to stare at the Kree because we are different from you.

What has happened to this country? The United States is the land of religious freedom. This is what I was taught at your great University, UCLA. America was founded by men who fled religious persecution in England. Then why are the Kree being persecuted?

There are so many rumors about us. No, we are not fanatics out to take over the world. We wear blue for religious reasons, not military or political ones. Blue is the color of the holy sky and the immortal ocean.

No, we do not have sex orgies on the ranch. We are building an ashram, which means we work hard for twelve and fifteen hours a day. Who has energy left over for a sex orgy?

As the Swami's personal secretary and PR officer for the Kree, I have to deal with questions like this all the time. For example, I'm often asked, Why does the Swami have so many Rolls-Royces? What kind of a question is this? Why did your Hollywood star Joan Crawford have so many pairs of shoes? And why did Elizabeth Taylor have so many husbands?

Let me explain about the Rolls-Royces once and for all. The Kree do not dismiss the material world. It's not the ultimate reality but it is something we pass through according to our karma. So we believe in having a good time while visiting in this incarnation.

We have a great need for vehicles on the ashram and so what better investment can we make than a Rolls-Royce? You Americans, who gave the world capitalism, should understand this. We bought Swami four new cars for his birthday, to celebrate the end of his one-year vow of silence.

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Rex in a Rolls-Royce.)

 

FRANK: (voice off) Rex? We'd better get while the gettin's good.

REX: Hang on, partner!

 

(Frank enters.)

 

REX: You're not gonna believe this. Which hand?

FRANK: You counted the cars. Let's get out of here.

REX: He's got twenty-six of them Rollses, Frank. And look here — each one has the keys in it. Ain't that a Christian for you?

 

(The focus returns to Ma.)

 

MA: Oh yes, I saw them steal the car. They were too drunk to be very careful. As it happens, I was working on the books upstairs. We had bought two more Rolls-Royces for Swami for Christmas. Of course, Christmas is not a religious holiday for the Kree. We celebrate Swami's birthday, not Christ's, but we realize that Christmas is the most important American holiday, the time when you give the most expensive gifts, so we wanted to be good neighbors by recognizing Christmas ourselves. We knew we could surprise Swami with two more cars. He wouldn't even be celebrating Christmas, except maybe to eat fruitcake. Swami loves fruitcake.

 

(Focus on Frank and Rex.)

 

FRANK: Twenty-six Rolls-Royces. Why do you suppose he has so many?

REX: Pussy. He can't drive but one himself, can he? I hear it's a regular sex orgy out here. It ain't nothing but twenty-five ladies he's trying to keep happy with them cars, Frank. Goddamn, if I knew religion was like this, I'd've gone to Sunday school.

FRANK: You counted the cars. Let's get the hell out of here.

REX: You take the pickup. I'll be right behind you.

FRANK: What do you mean, you'll be right behind me?

REX: Look at them — twenty-six Rolls-Royces! It's better than harps and angels, Frank. I may never get this close to heaven again.

FRANK: Now don't do something crazy, Rex. You're in enough trouble at home as it is.

REX: This is going to get me out of trouble at home, good buddy.

FRANK: What is?

REX: When I drive up in one of these here Rolls-Royces.

FRANK: That's car theft.

REX: I'm not stealing it. I'm borrowing it. I'm going to let Margie take a ride in it. That'll be her Christmas present.

FRANK: She don't want to ride in a stolen car.

REX: Listen, I know Margie. Hell, the day I drove up in my pickup — when it was new, I mean — Margie can turn into quite a woman when she wants to. We did it in the drive-in in that new pickup not ten hours after I put down the payment.

FRANK: That was a long time ago.

REX: That's what I'm saying. Margie ain't done nothing crazy since then.

FRANK: You wake up Margie at this time of the morning, she ain't gonna be interested in no car ride.

REX: We'll hide the sum-bitch in the garage at Steve's Texaco. I still got the keys from when I was working on Margie's Chevy. Then when Stella opens at seven, we'll drive it over to the tavern and give everybody a ride.

FRANK: I don't think this is gonna help you with Margie, Rex. It's gonna make things worse, is what it's gonna do.

REX: You don't know what a new car does to that woman. And a Rolls-Royce — goddamn!

 

(LIGHTS FADE on them and RISE on Ma.)

 

MA: When I saw they were taking the car, I phoned Swami. "We'll give them a head start," he said. "This is only sporting. Then we'll catch them. It'll be like the Grand Prix."

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Three

 

(LIGHTS RISE in the tavern. Stella is behind the bar. Frank and Margie sit on stools, Rex standing near Margie. Billy sits at a table.)

 

REX: At least go out there and sit in the goddamn thing.

MARGIE: I have no desire to sit in a "hot car."

REX: It's Christmas, for Christ's sake.

MARGIE: I don't see what Christmas has to do with it. I hope you're not implying that's my present.

REX: Come on, Margie — it's the season to be merry. When else are you gonna have a chance to ride in a Rolls-Royce?

BILLY: Whatever you two plan to do, ride or sit, I can't get off duty til I wrap this little deal up.

REX: She'll ride in it, just give me a minute.

MARGIE: I'm not gonna take a ride.

REX: You're getting old, Margie.

MARGIE: You're a fine one to talk — Mr. Limp.

REX: Now you just shut up about that!

MARGIE: There is nothing in this world that's gonna get me into that car.

 

(Ann enters. She is a young woman, hesitant, perhaps shy.)

 

ANN: Excuse me. Isn't that Swami Kree's car outside? The license plate says BLUE 7 ... blue for the Kree.

REX: You a friend of his?

ANN: I came to join the ashram.

BILLY: (getting up) I'll phone and see if they can get somebody over here for the car.

 

(He goes to the phone and will call.)

 

STELLA: You want something to drink?

ANN: Then Swami Kree isn't here?

STELLA: No, honey. One of his cars broke down outside and Billy's trying to get a blue shirt to come for it now. If you hang around, maybe you can follow them back to the ranch.

ANN: I'll have a seven-up.

 

(Ann sits at a table. Rex joins her.)

 

REX: So you're gonna join the Kree ...

ANN: If they'll take me.

REX: Why wouldn't they take you?

ANN: To live on the ashram, I mean. It's pretty competitive. Especially now, when they're still building.

REX: So you have to get on the Swami's good side to live on the ranch or what?

ANN: You have to demonstrate your faith.

REX: How do you do that?

ANN: (reluctantly) Lots of ways.

REX: Hey, Swami hangs around here all the time. That's why his car's outside. You're among friends.

ANN: I wrote him a song. "The Ballad of the Swami."

 

(Stella brings the seven-up to the table.)

 

STELLA: That's fifty cents, honey.

 

(Ann pays. Rex notices that she has an impressive bankroll of cash.)

 

REX: I thought you might be a songwriter. I'm a songwriter myself. One can always spot another, you know?

ANN: It's the only song I've ever written. I'm not even sure I wrote it — I sort of found it in my head and put it down on paper.

REX: No kidding?

ANN: Is the ladies' room through there?

STELLA: That's why it says restrooms on the door.

ANN: Excuse me.

 

(She goes to the ladies room.)

 

REX: You catch her roll of bills?

STELLA: Sure did.

REX: A little weird to boot.

MARGIE: If she wants to join the Kree, why isn't she wearing blue?

STELLA: I think you have to be accepted first.

MARGIE: I haven't worn jeans since they took over the ranch.

STELLA: That's going a little too far, don't you think?

MARGIE: I don't want no tourists thinking I'm a Kree.

BILLY: (returning from phone) The Swami's still looking for his car. If he ain't here in an hour, they'll send a blue shirt over.

STELLA: He's coming here?

BILLY: They think he drove over to Madras. He'll see the car outside if he comes back this way.

REX: Maybe he'll buy the house a round. After all, we found his car. Right, Frank?

FRANK: Say what?

REX: We were out cruising, enjoying a little whiskey, when we ran into those kids joy-riding in his Rolls. We sent them home to Redmond where they belong. Hell, I'd be grateful as hell if I was the Swami. I'd give us a reward, is what I'd do.

FRANK: I don't think he's interested in giving us no reward.

REX: Why not? We returned the car and reported it to Billy first thing, just like the law says we should do. Right, Billy?

BILLY: I agree with Frank. You take a rich man, he's twice as stingy as you or me who ain't got shit.

REX: Hey, what's a little reward to the Swami? His followers are giving him money all the time. That girl has a bankroll on her that won't quit. Stella saw it.

STELLA: She's not poor.

REX: All you have to do, Billy, is say Frank and me reported the stolen car to you. Maybe you can add that in Juniper County a reward is usually appropriate under the circumstances.

MARGIE: What circumstances? That you're flat-ass broke because you've been on a three-day binge? And the house payment's due in a week. And you ain't working.

REX: Hey, did I close down the mill? Am I volunteering to go off benefits next month?

BILLY: I don't know, Rex.

REX: It'd be like the Swami giving us a Christmas present.

MARGIE: More like you getting one.

REX: Giving, getting, what's the difference? It's still Christmas.

 

(A pause.)

 

REX: Ain't it still Christmas?

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Four

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Swami Kree in the neutral area. He is wearing a blue robe and a blue cowboy hat. He clears his throat.)

 

SWAMI: (to audience, with accent from India) Excuse me. Speaking still feels strange to me. It's not easy to talk after a full year of silence. Not the least problem is — what to say?

How do you like my hat? It was a special gift for my birthday. To tell the truth, I prefer it to the four Rolls-Royces I received. If you've ridden in one Rolls, you've ridden in them all.

This is my first cowboy hat. Where we are building the new ashram, this was once a big ranch, full of horses and cattle and working cowboys. So naturally it is appropriate for me to wear a cowboy hat myself. When in Oregon, do as the Oregonians do.

I want to be a good neighbor. For the past year I had nothing to say, I didn't speak a single syllable to anyone. What a good neighbor I was then! Now it's more difficult. Speech is so complicated.

I realize there are many questions in your mind about me. Who am I to have attracted so many thousands of followers around the world? Why am I building my new ashram in Oregon? Why do I let my students buy me so many new Rolls-Royces? Why did I take a vow of silence for an entire year? Who do I like in the Super Bowl?

Perhaps some of these questions can be addressed in time. For now, I must rest my voice. I wanted to show you my new cowboy hat. It makes me feel very good, wearing it. I feel like an Oregonian. I feel like a good neighbor.

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Five

 

(LIGHTS RISE in tavern. Ann returns from the ladies room and takes a table. Rex joins her.)

 

REX: Like I told you, I write songs myself.

ANN: I'm really not a songwriter. "The Ballad of the Swami" just happened.

REX: You must've been inspired.

ANN: What kind of songs do you write?

REX: (on the spot) Oh, you name it ... country songs, love songs ...

MARGIE: (to trap him) Why don't you sing us one?

REX: I don't think the lady is interested in no —

ANN: I'd love to hear one.

MARGIE: The lady would love to hear one.

REX: Course, I usually have my band behind me ...

ANN: You play guitar?

REX: Oh, sure.

MARGIE: You still have that old clunker upstairs, don't you, Stella? Maybe he'll play the guitar for us.

STELLA: Sure do. You want it, Rex?

REX: If I'm gonna sing, I'll sing acapeller.

MARGIE: I can't wait to hear one. You know, we've been married eight years and he's never sung to me once.

REX: Not without the band, she means.

ANN: Will you sing one of your songs?

REX: Sure. Let's see ...

 

(Stella comes over to serve the table and slips Rex the published poem by Fred Ross.)

 

BILLY: Hard to get inspired this early in the morning.

REX: Actually, I'm the songwriter, not the lead singer.

MARGIE: We'll make allowances.

 

(Rex looks at the poem.)

 

REX: This one here got published. (He starts singing, making up a country tune as he goes, a sad, maudlin ballad.)

 

There's an empty seat on the crummy,

Where used to sit Hooker Jack.

In a little bungalow in the suburbs,

There's a new widow dressed in black.

 

(He stops.) Hell, that's too sad for Christmas. I'd rather hear your song about the Swami.

ANN: I'd be embarrassed ...

REX: Hey, you're among friends. Really. The Swami has lunch here all the time. He loves Stella's chili.

ANN: I thought people around here resented the Kree.

REX: Who told you that?

ANN: That's the impression I got from the TV.

REX: You know how they exaggerate. Doesn't make a good story unless it's negative. We'd love to hear your song about the Swami. (To the others) Well, wouldn't we?

BILLY: I'm all ears.

STELLA: You don't have to sing unless you feel like it, honey.

REX: Frank'll even play piano. (Looking around) Where's the piano?

STELLA: I sold it last summer.

REX: I didn't know that. You know that, Frank?

FRANK: She sold it on June 17th.

STELLA: Are you still mad at me about that?

FRANK: I'm the only one ever played it.

REX: (to Ann) Guess you have to sing acapeller. Unless you want Stella's guitar.

ANN: No. Only place I've ever sung it is in the shower.

REX: Any time you're ready ...

ANN: It's just about how I feel about the Swami. I think I must've written it in a previous incarnation.

REX: Never wrote one like that myself.

ANN: Well ... (closing her eyes, singing)

 

Blue is the sky

Blue is the sea

Blue is the color

Of eternity

 

Deep blue the night

Pale blue the morn

Clothed in this hue

I'll be reborn

 

(Chorus:) Swami, please hear my plea

I know my path

Lies with the Kree

Swami, I’ll give all I own

To live in your light

Never alone

 

(New verse:) You come from a land—

 

(Rex interrupts with applause.)

 

REX: That was great! Wasn't that great? He'll love it.

ANN: I hope so. I'm pretty nervous about singing it to him, actually.

REX: For a song like that, you should get a whole suite in that ashram.

ANN: I just want a room like anybody else.

BILLY: Sort of like a dormitory, is it?

ANN: It was in India. My sister lived in Swami's ashram in Bombay. I visited her just before she passed into her other life.

REX: Her other life?

ANN: Her incarnation in Bombay ended when she was hit by a car.

 

(A pause.)

 

MARGIE: How many people are fixing to live on that ashram out there?

ANN: Lots, eventually. Maybe five thousand.

STELLA: Five thousand! The population of Juniper ain't but fifteen hundred.

BILLY: If they all drank, you'd do a hell of a business.

ANN: Oh, the Kree can drink. It's not against Swami's teachings.

REX: Then how about a beer on me?

 

(Margie, disgusted with Rex's flirting, storms to the ladies room.)

 

ANN: When do you think Swami'll be here?

REX: You said in about an hour, didn't you, Billy?

BILLY: That or a blue shirt will come by to pick up the car.

REX: You got time for a beer then.

ANN: I prefer white wine.

REX: You got it. On my tab, Stella.

STELLA: ("What tab?") Merry Christmas.

REX: I'm Rex.

ANN: I'm Ann. I don't have my Kree name yet.

REX: I noticed you all had funny names. Well, I don't mean funny. Just different.

ANN: When we embrace Swami's teachings, we get a new name and a new birthday. It's starting a whole new life, actually.

 

(Frank starts slowly toward the men's room.)

 

STELLA: How long was your sister in India?

ANN: Almost a year. She loved it there but I think she'd've liked it here better. It's exciting to be at the beginning of something. If they accept me ...

REX: I think the Swami will love your song.

FRANK: (singing)Swami!

How I love ya!

How I love ya!

My dear old Swami!

 

(He exits to men's room.)

 

REX: Great sense of humor.

ANN: Humor is very central in Swami's teachings.

BILLY: Twenty-six Rolls-Royces shows one hell of a sense of humor.

 

(Ann's mother, JOY, enters the tavern. She looks weary.)

 

JOY: Hello, Annie.

ANN: Oh, God ...

JOY: I'd like a beer, please.

STELLA: Henry's?

JOY: Fine.

 

(A pause.)

 

JOY: I saw your car outside.

ANN: Mother, there's nothing to talk about. I know what I'm doing.

JOY: We can still visit, can't we? When I looked at the calendar this morning, it said Christmas.

 

(A pause.)

 

JOY: Merry Christmas.

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Six

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Swami and Ma in the back seat of the Rolls-Royce.)

 

MA: They must've lost us.

SWAMI: I'm not lost, Ma.

MA: Shall I tell Shrivaroma to turn back?

SWAMI: We're almost to Madras. I like that truck stop with the vegetarian omelet.

MA: (to the "driver") We're continuing to Madras, Shrivaroma! (To Swami) I should've called security as soon as I saw them.

SWAMI: No matter. Everything flushes through the toilet.

MA: Which reminds me: the plumbing in the main hall should be operative next week.

SWAMI: And the printing presses?

MA: This has been the greatest challenge, getting water for the printing presses.

SWAMI: Dig wells.

MA: We are.

SWAMI: Where there's a well, there's a way. (He chuckles.) I'll have to remember that for my lecture tonight.

 

(We hear SIRENS, a police car behind them. The cars stop and Billy walks up.)

 

BILLY: (to imaginary driver) Your license ...

 

(He sees who is in the back seat.)

 

BILLY: Well, looky here. A little early for joy riding, ain't it, Swami?

MA: It is never too early to be joyous.

BILLY: That may be so, ma'am, but the fact of the matter is, this here stretch of road is posted at fifty-five and I clocked you doing almost eighty. That means I'm gonna have to write your driver here up with a ticket. I know it's early and there ain't no more traffic than jobs in a lumber mill, but the law's the law.

MA: Give me the ticket.

 

(Swami puts on a blue nose plug.)

 

BILLY: Swami, I hope that there nose plug ain't supposed to imply how you feel about an officer of the law doing his duty.

MA: Swami is very sensitive to scent. He has several allergies. Nothing personal, but it's your after-shave. Please write the ticket.

 

(Billy begins to do so.)

 

BILLY: He don’t talk for himself?

MA: He's resting his voice.

BILLY: Maybe it's none of my business, ma'am, but when I found the Swami here stuck in a ditch last month, sitting in the back seat all by himself, and I asked him if he needed any help, it would only have been neighborly to reply.

MA: I don't know the incident you mean.

SWAMI: We did get stuck in a ditch, Ma. The others went for help.

BILLY: You remember me coming by?

SWAMI: Of course. But I was on a vow of silence at the time.

BILLY: You remember me banging on your window, trying to get your attention?

SWAMI: Of course.

BILLY: Waving my arms around?

SWAMI: Yes.

MA: A vow of silence is very strict.

BILLY: You made a face at me. You stuck out your tongue.

SWAMI: I wanted you to leave. It was embarrassing, the way you were carrying on.

MA: Officer, all this is beside the point. We were speeding because we were chasing a car thief. Someone stole one of Swami's Rolls-Royces.

BILLY: Why didn't you speak up?

MA: It was taken about thirty minutes ago. The license number is BLUE-7.

BILLY: They probably headed for Portland, ma'am, but I'll see what I can do. Here's your ticket.

MA: Can I write you a check?

BILLY: You have to mail it to the courthouse. I'll do my best to find your car, Swami. Well, Merry Christmas.

 

(He leaves.)

 

MA: Still to Madras?

SWAMI: Of course. I want to wear my new cowboy hat into the truck stop.

MA: On to Madras, Shrivaroma! And watch your speed!

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Seven

 

(LIGHTS RISE in tavern. Frank has returned from the rest room.)

 

ANN: Can I use your ladies' room to change clothes?

STELLA: You can use it for anything your little heart desires, as long as you clean up after yourself.

 

(Ann starts for the exit.)

 

JOY: Annie?

ANN: There's nothing to talk about.

JOY: I'm not here to change your mind.

ANN: You tried to change Cindy's.

JOY: I thought we could spend some time together on Christmas.

ANN: Swami is coming here to pick up his car. I have to change clothes.

JOY: They're going to let you live on the ashram?

ANN: I don't know.

 

(She exits to fetch a suitcase from her car outside.)

 

JOY: You have another Henry's?

STELLA: Kegs and cases.

 

(Margie returns from the rest room.)

 

MARGIE: Your girlfriend leave?

REX: (to Joy) My wife has a great sense of humor. Margie, this is Ann's mother.

MARGIE: You joining the blue shirts, too?

JOY: No. Just came to say goodbye.

MARGIE: That bad, huh?

JOY: That bad.

STELLA: I can sympathize with you, lady. Must be tough.

JOY: I lost Cindy and now I lose Annie. There's nobody else to lose ...

FRANK: Maybe she'll be happy.

JOY: I think the word is ecstatic. You walk around grinning like an idiot all day. You've been saved!

FRANK: I had a cousin converted to a Catholic. Didn't change a hair on his head that I could tell.

JOY: This is different. They even give you a new name, a new birthday. My first daughter, Cindy, lived in an ashram in India run by this same Swami Kree. This guru. Swami Cretin. She died over there.

STELLA: I'm sorry.

JOY: You have your own problems. They'll control the town before they're through. They'll move in until they outnumber you. They'll take over city hall. They'll make it so you're glad to sell out and leave.

FRANK: Ain't much worth saving, with the mill closed down.

JOY: They'll buy the mill and manufacture small statuettes of the Swami, suitable for attaching to the dashboard of a Rolls-Royce.

 

(Ann enters with her suitcase and crosses to the rest room as the others silently watch.)

 

JOY: The Swami is really coming here?

REX: Within the hour. Right, Billy?

BILLY: Him or one of his blue shirts, to pick up the Rolls.

JOY: What's it doing out there?

REX: I stole it, ma'am.

JOY: You're kidding.

REX: Nope. I was a little under the influence.

JOY: You just went out there and drove off with it?

REX: We're gonna tell the Swami some kids took it. Maybe we'll get a reward out of the deal.

JOY: I love it.

REX: You ever been in a Rolls-Royce?

JOY: Never.

REX: Billy, I'm gonna take the lady for a spin around the block. If you want to ...

JOY: I'd love to.

BILLY: I don't know, Rex.

REX: I won't be but five minutes.

BILLY: I don't want to have to come looking for you.

MARGIE: Is this an open invitation?

REX: I didn't think you wanted a ride.

MARGIE: Well, I have changed my mind.

REX: Anybody else?

BILLY: Five minutes, I mean it.

REX: Word of honor, buddy.

 

(Rex, Joy and Margie exit. A pause.)

 

FRANK: I don't think I ever asked you. How much did you get for the piano?

STELLA: You ask me once a month, Frank. If I'd've known you liked it so much, I wouldn't have sold it. You should've spoke up.

FRANK: I hardly ever played it.

BILLY: I remember one night you got drunk and played boogie woogie. I liked it.

STELLA: Frank, you should've spoke up.

FRANK: No big deal.

BILLY: You played nice piano that night. You remember, don't you, Stella?

STELLA: Frank, goddamn it!

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Eight

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Ann in the neutral area, now wearing her blue clothing.)

 

ANN: Blue is the color of life. Life came out of the ocean, which is blue. The air we breathe comes from the sky, which is blue. Blue attracts more good vibrations than any other color. Blue is the root color of existence.

You can't explain any of this to your mother. It's impossible.

Cindy tried. She's five years older than me and in another incarnation now. It was just an accident in India, getting hit by a car, but I lost my best friend.

I didn't know very much about the Kree when I went to India, I just wanted to visit with Cindy. But when I saw how happy she was and when Cindy started telling me about her life there, and what she believed in, I was really impressed. I wanted to meet Swami Kree myself but, of course, he's so sensitive to odor and everything else, I couldn't get past his guards. I still smelled like an American.

The song was an inspiration. I think I must have dreamed it, or maybe I wrote it in a previous incarnation, because the words and melody just came to me all at once and it was like being a medium for this spiritual essence that was outside me somehow. I wrote down the song in a single afternoon.

For months I kept the song to myself, singing it in the shower, when suddenly I realized that the song wasn't mine at all, it was his, and somehow I had been chosen to receive it and write it down and now I must find Swami Kree and sing it to him.

That was really scary to think about. It still is.

 

(LIGHTS RISE FULL in tavern.)

 

 

Scene Nine

 

(CONTINUOUS: Ann joins Stella, Frank and Billy in the tavern, coming from the rest room. Frank and Billy are into some serious drinking.)

 

STELLA: Well, don't you look nice.

ANN: Did my mother leave?

STELLA: Her, Rex and Margie went for a ride. She'll be right back. Another white wine?

ANN: I'd better switch to seven-up.

STELLA: I noticed you and your mother don't see eye-to-eye.

ANN: Which is totally ridiculous. There's supposed to be religious freedom in this country.

STELLA: I got the impression she wasn't really criticizing your beliefs, just sort of, you know, missing you moving away from home.

ANN: People think we're brainwashed. It's so ridiculous. I have two years of college. I worked as a bookkeeper after that. I'm not some drugged-out weirdo or something.

 

(Stella serves her the seven-up.)

 

STELLA: Lot of misunderstanding in the world, I'll grant you that.

ANN: I think people are jealous because the Kree are so happy. People are so miserable with all their extra-marital affairs and divorces and careers and taxes and doctor bills, they go into a rage whenever they meet someone who is perfectly happy and content.

STELLA: Are you perfectly happy and content? You look a little nervous, to be honest.

ANN: I'm nervous about singing the song. What if Swami doesn't like it?

STELLA: You must want into that ashram pretty bad. Couldn't you rent an apartment and still go worship there?

ANN: It's the honor of living so close to him. His love is so powerful. They're building a new ashram from the ground up, and people will be coming from all over the world to live there. It's just incredible to think that I could be part of something like that.

STELLA: You must've left Portland pretty early in the morning to get here when you did.

ANN: We had a fight last night. I can't believe she followed me.

STELLA: I'm not choosing sides, understand, but I think your mother's more tolerant than you give her credit for. She just doesn't want to lose you.

ANN: She's not losing me. That's another stupid thing people are always bringing up, that the ashram is a prison or something. The Kree spend lots of time outside the ashram. There's tea to sell, books and bread to sell, lots of things.

STELLA: You need to raise money in any religion. I read where the Kree even opened a nightclub in Portland. That surprised me, to be honest.

ANN: We like to have a good time, just like anybody else.

STELLA: Nightclub seemed a little wild for a religious group.

ANN: It's just a place to have fun. We dance to the Kree rock band — the Blue Bliss.

STELLA: Why not? The Salvation Army does it.

ANN: We're not like the Salvation Army.

STELLA: Drumming up business with music, I mean.

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Ten

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Frank in neutral area.)

 

FRANK: Nobody in my family was musical at all. Only music in the house was Hank Williams and such on the radio. But they had a piano in the little school I went to. That wasn't here in Juniper but out in the desert, past Fossil. It was one of them little school houses that teach all the grades in there together, and they had a piano. The teacher would play it when we sung hymns.

I learned about honky-tonk in the Army, in Korea, from a fellow named B.J. He was a colored man and he played honky-tonk piano himself. Right away I liked that ol' music better than just about anything I'd ever heard before. B.J. kept teaching me little bits and pieces of it but, of course, pianos were hard to come by in Korea, about the only place to find one was in the NCO Club and it wasn't very often that it was empty enough for a beginner like myself to sit down and practice. B.J. taught me a couple of nice licks, though. Then he found himself on the wrong end of a commie mortar and that was the end of my honky-tonk lessons.

I used to play Stella's piano every once in a while when I was drinking but, to tell the truth, I never did remember too well how it turned out. But people seemed to like it. Then when the mill shut down, I figured I might start practicing regular and surprise myself. There was nothing else to do. Flirting with Stella, that's about it. Then I got the idea she was taking me more serious than I intended and even flirting stopped being fun.

So, I told myself, why not take up the piano again? I was just about to get off my butt, too. Then Stella went and sold it out from under me. It was June 17th.

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Eleven

 

(LIGHTS RISE on the Rolls-Royce. Rex is driving, the two women in the back seat.)

 

MARGIE: Don't you go getting us no speeding ticket we can't afford.

REX: Who's going to stop us? Billy's getting himself into some serious drinking. Damn, would I love to own one of these. Rides as smooth as silk, don't she?

 

(A pause.)

 

MARGIE: You live around here?

JOY: Portland.

MARGIE: Too bad about your daughter joining them blue shirts. I don't see why anybody would do that, personally. They say he has twenty-six of these cars. How can you feel religious about somebody with so many expensive cars?

REX: I feel like I'm in heaven!

JOY: It's called brainwashing.

MARGIE: You think they hypnotized your daughter or something?

JOY: It's more subtle than that. Some very talented con-men take advantage of young people who are searching for answers.

MARGIE: (sincerely) Answers to what?

 

(A pause.)

 

REX: What do you do in Portland?

JOY: I teach.

MARGIE: I got a cousin who teaches kindergarten.

JOY: I teach at the University.

REX: A professor?

JOY: Yes.

REX: Your daughter must have a pretty good job herself. When she bought her seven-up, she flashed a bankroll that wouldn't quit.

JOY: She just received an inheritance from my late husband. I take it she plans to give it all to Swami Cretin.

REX: She's pretty interested in him, alright. Even wrote a song about him.

JOY: A song?

REX: About how much she needs him and all.

JOY: The Kree practice a sophisticated form of brainwashing, I swear they do. What I should have done with Cindy is hire a deprogrammer before she left the country. Maybe that's what I should do with Annie.

REX: She ain't a kid.

JOY: Her mind is somewhere in the sixth grade.

MARGIE: I saw something on TV about how they do that. I think if I was in your shoes, I'd've done it.

 

(A pause.)

 

REX: Want me to kidnap your daughter for you?

MARGIE: Rex!

REX: Me and Frank could do it easy. We'd drive her back to Portland and you could hire yourself a deprogrammer.

MARGIE: Don't listen to him, he gets crazy ideas all the time.

REX: Be easy to do.

MARGIE: He's just bored from not working.

REX: What do you say?

JOY: What would you charge?

MARGIE: Rex! Criminy!

REX: To be honest, I'm not sure what the going rates are. I'd trust you to be fair.

JOY: All I'd ask you to do is drive her to Portland. I could handle it from there. Two hundred dollars?

REX: Sounds fair to me. Do we have a deal?

MARGIE: You two are talking about a crime here.

JOY: You said it's what you would've done.

MARGIE: But when Rex gets involved, nothing turns out right.

REX: Thanks a hell of a lot for the vote of confidence.

MARGIE: You'll wind up behind bars and then where will you be?

REX: In jail, Margie! Hang on, I'm gonna see how fast this ol' Rolls will go ...

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Twelve

 

(LIGHTS RISE on the tavern. Billy heads for the men's room.)

 

BILLY: I was afraid this would happen. Rex is dangerous when he's not working.

STELLA: He'll be back.

 

(When Billy is gone, Ma enters.)

 

MA: Pardon me. Do you have a phone I can use?

STELLA: Right through there.

MA: Thank you.

 

(She goes to the phone and will make a call.)

 

ANN: That's Ma Prama Rama Kree! She's the Swami's personal secretary.

STELLA: I've seen her on television.

ANN: But the car isn't here. She must've come for the car.

 

(Swami enters. He wears his cowboy hat and nose plug. He surveys the tavern, saying nothing. Finally he chooses a table and sits down.)

 

(Frank enters from the men's room. He passes Ma on the phone. When he spots Swami, he stops. He then heads straight for the exit and is out of there.)

 

(Ma returns and goes to Swami.)

 

MA: They found the car. It's at the Juniper Tavern.

STELLA: This is the place. We got a man out road-testing it right now.

MA: What happened to the car?

STELLA: Nothing Rex can't fix. He'll have it in better shape than when you lost it. Can I get you folks anything while you're waiting?

MA: Do you have herb tea?

STELLA: No, but I think I've got some Lipton around here somewhere. Used to be a mill worker who drank tea. What the hell was his name? Must've been three or four years ago.

MA: I'll have a glass of water.

STELLA: And you ... sir?

MA: Swami will have water as well.

 

(Billy enters from the men's room and goes to Swami.)

 

BILLY: Found your car.

MA: We know.

BILLY: Should be back any minute.

 

(No reply. Billy hesitates, then heads for the exit.)

 

STELLA: You leaving?

BILLY: Think I better see what Rex is up to before I put on my Santa suit.

 

(He exits. Ma takes out her knitting, something blue. Ann makes a slow approach to Swami.)

 

MA: Yes?

ANN: I believe.

MA: You wear blue. But no medallion.

ANN: I haven't been accepted yet. But I want to belong. I really do.

MA: And you want to live on the new ashram.

ANN: Oh, I do very much!

MA: You and thousands of our followers around the world.

 

(Disappointed, Ann turns to go.)

 

SWAMI: Please sit down. Please ...

 

(Ann sits.)

 

SWAMI: What is it you want to tell me? I can feel the energy of your question but I don't know what it is.

ANN: I wrote a song. Or maybe it was just given to me. It's about the Kree, about you.

SWAMI: Then sing it.

 

(Ann closes her eyes and begins to sing.)

 

ANN: (singing) You came from a land

So far away

To teach us the Truth

And show us the Way

 

You've always possessed

What we hope to find

The secrets of life

True peace of mine

 

(Chorus) Swami, please hear my plea

I know my path

Lies with the Kree

Swami, I'll give all I own

To live in your light

Never alone

 

(Joy has entered and approaches the table.)

 

JOY: (to Swami, interrupting) We met briefly in Bombay.

 

(Ann stops singing.)

 

JOY: I said, we've met before. My daughter was in your ashram in Bombay. Her name was Cindy. She got hit by a car over there. She died. I'd come over to get her body but she was cremated before I arrived. Her ashes were thrown in the river. I made an appointment to see you but could never pass your odor test. Apparently I stunk, no matter how many showers I took. Finally I saw you walking across the ashram grounds. I ran up to you and our eyes met before your guards pulled me away. Do you remember that? I'm sure we made eye contact.

 

(A pause. Swami doesn't reply. The moment is tense. No one moves.)

 

JOY: I'M TALKING TO YOU!

 

(BLACKOUT. End of Act One.)

 


 

ACT TWO

 

 

Scene One

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Rex in the neutral area.)

 

REX: The bottom line is, You gotta eat. I don't know what Margie expects me to do. You won't find a harder working sumbitch than yours truly but I can't open up the mill if the company don't want it open. If the mill ain't open, I can't haul logs. It's that simple.

There was a time when I'd've hit the road by now. But, damn it, I love this part of the country. I love Central Oregon. I love Juniper, the home I'm buying, my neighbors, the kind of life we share. I wake up in the morning, look out my kitchen window, and see nothing but snow-capped mountains. A rich man can't see anything prettier.

But you gotta eat, is what I was saying. And if there ain't work in the woods, that means you gotta find something else. You gotta use your imagination.

Like winning Luke's goat at poker. Hell, he didn't have the cash to match my raise and that means I could've raked in the pot right then. But he said, Can I put up my goat? Everybody thought that was funnier'n hell but I started thinking, Well, why not? I read in the paper that them blue shirts are health nuts, so maybe I could sell them a little goat's milk on the side. Course, this was too good an idea to share with the rest, so I joked about needing a new lawn mower anyway and let Luke put up his goat — which I won.

Then Margie wouldn't have a damn thing to do with that goat anyway, so I just gave it back to Luke. The point is, I was thinking, I was using my imagination, always looking for a way to make a buck on the side.

This is why I thought maybe the Swami would give us a reward for his car. This is why I offered to kidnap that lady's daughter. The jobs that come down the pike may not be the jobs you're used to having. You gotta be flexible. Because there's no way on God's green earth you're ever gonna change the bottom line — you gotta eat. You don't eat, you deal yourself right out of the ball game.

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Two

 

(LIGHTS RISE in the tavern. It's the moment immediately after the end of Act One.)

 

JOY: I said, I'm talking to you. I know what you're about. I know what's going on in that ashram of yours. And you know I know.

 

(No reply. Ma knits. Ann sits frozen. Swami sits benevolently. A pause. Joy turns and goes to the bar. Frank, Rex and Margie enter.)

 

ANN: I'm sorry.

SWAMI: Don't worry. Everything will be fine.

ANN: She doesn't understand anything.

SWAMI: She's not alone.

REX: Excuse me, Swami. I'm happy to report that I found your Rolls-Royce.

MA: He and the other are the ones who stole it. I'm sure of it.

REX: No, ma'am, that's not true.

MA: I was working upstairs and saw you in the parking lot.

REX: Well, you must not've been there an hour earlier or you would've seen those kids from Redmond tampering with the engine. Christ, when me and Frank saw them doing that, I didn't know what to expect. I thought maybe they were rigging it with a bomb or something. The more I considered that possibility, the more pissed off I got. Pardon my language, ma'am, but I was damn mad. We like to be good neighbors here in Juniper, and the last thing we need is some punks from Redmond coming up here to assassinate the Swami. I mean, that's what went through my mind. So that's why I took the car, to give it a road test and make sure it was safe to drive. They could've pulled a pin somewhere, any damn thing. I wanted to make sure it was safe for the Swami to drive. That's the truth, ma'am. I'm a Christian like yourself.

MA: I'm not a Christian, I'm a Kree.

REX: Well, I'm sure neither religion permits lying.

SWAMI: Thank you for road testing the car.

REX: We just try to be good neighbors.

 

(A pause. Rex is waiting for his reward.)

 

REX: Well, Merry Christmas to you.

 

(A pause. Rex finally moves to the bar.)

 

MA: Shall we go?

SWAMI: Not yet, Ma. (To Ann) You really wrote that song yourself?

ANN: It just came to me.

SWAMI: I think it's beautiful.

ANN: You do?

SWAMI: Very much so. What's your name?

 

(Joy, unable to take any more, exits into the ladies' room. Rex follows, waiting for her near the door.)

 

SWAMI: Don't worry. What's your name?

ANN: Ann. My sister Cindy was in your ashram in Bombay.

SWAMI: I remember Cindy very well. She told me about you. I'm sorry we didn't have a chance to meet in Bombay.

ANN: I heard you speak several times. I was so impressed.

SWAMI: And now you want to live on the ashram, don't you?

ANN: Very much!

SWAMI: Why?

ANN: To seek the truth.

SWAMI: You think you have to come to the ashram to seek truth?

ANN: I have so much to learn. Please teach me.

SWAMI: I have only one message: the truth is inside you.

ANN: I want to meditate with you. I want to belong to the Kree.

SWAMI: I am not the truth. You are the truth.

ANN: Yes, I want to learn that.

SWAMI: Then look inside yourself!

ANN: I want to learn everything you have to teach me. I'd do anything to live on the ashram.

SWAMI: I must meditate on this, Ma.

 

(Ma reaches into her blue knitting bag and brings out a roll of blue toilet paper, which she hands to Swami. Swami carries it to the men's room.)

 

(Joy exits the ladies' room, meeting Rex.)

 

REX: You still want your daughter kidnapped to Portland?

JOY: I'm not sure ...

REX: With him in the bathroom, it may be now or never. Frank and I can do it. It's up to you.

JOY: Oh Christ ...

REX: She's your daughter.

JOY: If you think you can ...

REX: Wait here for Swami and keep him occupied.

 

(Rex returns to the tavern proper.)

 

REX: (To Ma) Want me to drive the other Rolls back to your ashram, ma'am? I could give Ann a lift.

MA: Our driver is outside, and Swami can drive the other one himself.

REX: Just trying to be neighborly.

 

(A pause.)

 

REX: (To Ann) That's not your VW bug outside, is it?

ANN: Yes. Why?

REX: I told you it was hers, Frank. You got a flat and it's locked. I was going to change it for you but couldn't get the spare.

ANN: I'm sure it's not locked.

REX: I tried both doors.

ANN: I don't understand.

 

(Ann heads for the door. Rex follows, gesturing to Frank to come along.)

 

REX: I'll be glad to change it for you. Won't we, Frank?

MARGIE: Rex ...

REX: She has a flat, for Christ's sake.

 

(Ann exits with Rex hustling Frank out behind her.)

 

MARGIE: Rex!

 

(Joy, impatient, now comes back into the tavern.)

 

MARGIE: (To Joy) They're going through with that crazy plan, aren't they?

JOY: I don't know what you're talking about.

 

(Margie exits to see what is going on.)

 

STELLA: (To Ma) Why's he wear a nose plug?

JOY: He thinks we stink.

 

(Margie returns.)

 

MARGIE: They're going through with it! They're kidnapping her back to Portland!

 

(Joy exits.)

 

MARGIE: Stella, they're kidnapping that girl.

STELLA: Come on, Margie. Frank and Rex ain't kidnappers.

MARGIE: They're going to take her to a deprogrammer.

MA: And they accuse us of brainwashing ...

STELLA: If they ain't back in thirty minutes, I'll phone Billy myself.

 

(Swami returns from the men's room. Before he arrives, Stella fetches a clothespin from behind the bar and puts it on her nose. She faces Swami, one nose plug against the other.)

 

SWAMI: I like your sense of humor!

STELLA: Nothing personal, understand, but I'm allergic to the smell of curry powder.

 

(Swami removes his nose plug.)

 

SWAMI: Of course I understand!

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Three

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Rex, Frank and Ann in the pickup. Rex drives, Ann is wedged between the men.)

 

REX: She ain't behind us, Frank. She should be right behind us.

ANN: My mother drinks too much. She'll stay in there til they kick her out.

REX: I don't know why she ain't behind us. What do you think, Frank?

FRANK: She ain't behind us?

REX: I don't see her.

FRANK: Then maybe she ain't coming. This is a crazy idea anyway.

REX: She's got to come. How do we know where to go in Portland?

ANN: Is that where we're going? I'll just leave and come right back. This is all so stupid.

REX: Maybe I'd better pull into the station and call the tavern. What do you think?

FRANK: No point in going to Portland if we don't know where to go.

REX: I'll call the tavern.

ANN: She's paying you to do this, isn't she?

 

(The truck stops. Rex gets out.)

 

REX: Keep an eye on her, good buddy.

 

(He exits.)

 

ANN: They can put you in jail for doing this. She's not going to help you. You'll be left holding the bag alone. She's going to stay at the tavern and drink herself into a stupor.

 

(A pause.)

 

ANN: I have to go to the bathroom.

FRANK: Better wait til Rex gets back.

ANN: I have to go now. Want me to wet my pants?

FRANK: It dries out.

ANN: I don't believe you guys. She must be paying you pretty good. She's going to hire a deprogrammer, isn't she? It won't work. I know what I'm doing. I know what I believe in!

 

(A pause.)

 

ANN: How much is she paying you?

 

(A pause.)

 

ANN: I'll pay what she did, plus a hundred dollars — if you drive me to the ashram.

FRANK: This is Rex's deal. You have to talk to him.

ANN: What do you do, go along with everything he says?

FRANK: Rex is my guru, you might say.

 

(A pause. Ann makes a move to scoot out Rex's side but Frank grabs her.)

 

ANN: You're hurting me!

FRANK: You gonna behave?

ANN: Yes.

FRANK: I don't like this any more than you do. Just go along with it.

 

(He lets go.)

 

ANN: This is so stupid. No one can deprogram me.

FRANK: Look, I'm just looking out for Rex. If it was me, I'd move you out to the ashram myself. For nothing.

ANN: They can still put you in jail. You're a co-conspirator.

 

(Joy enters, standing beside the truck.)

 

JOY: Hello, Annie.

ANN: Mother, this won't work! You're just getting yourself in trouble!

JOY: (To Frank) I want to be alone with her for a minute.

FRANK: I'll tell Rex you're here.

JOY: Tell him we're not going through with it.

 

(Frank nods and exits. Joy gets into the pickup beside Ann. A pause.)

 

JOY: Can we talk?

ANN: There's nothing to say.

JOY: I realize that. You're a very strong-minded young woman. So was Cindy. I don't think a deprogrammer would've had luck with either of you.

ANN: Thank you.

JOY: You both take after your mother.

ANN: If we have anything at all in common, you know you can't change my mind.

JOY: Is Swami Cretin that important to you?

ANN: His name is Swami Kree!

JOY: What happened to you in India?

ANN: I become enlightened.

JOY: I hardly recognized you when you got back.

ANN: Mother, there's no point in this ...

JOY: India's so pathetic. How can anyone find enlightenment in a country with so many problems?

ANN: I think India's beautiful.

JOY: Beautiful! With the streets packed with beggars? You did see the maimed children begging in the streets, didn't you?

ANN: I saw people in their karma.

JOY: In their karma ...

ANN: I saw Being.

JOY: Then perhaps we don't have anything to talk about.

ANN: I'm sure we don't. Goodbye, mother.

JOY: Annie!

ANN: (leaving) You can't change my mind!

JOY: (after her) When you change it yourself ... you always have a home ...

 

(Ann is gone. Joy exits.)

 

(Rex and Frank return and get into the pickup. Rex fetches a bottle from under the seat, which they'll share.)

 

REX: No guts. No imagination.

FRANK: Lady has a right to change her mind.

REX: Two hundred dollars! For a round-trip to Portland ...

FRANK: I don't think a deprogrammer would've had much luck. This probably saves everyone a lot of trouble.

REX: Shit, Frank, I sure miss driving my truck, I'll tell you that.

FRANK: I hear you.

REX: I don't know if logging will ever be the same. Maybe Fred Ross had the right idea — chuck the whole deal and start over.

FRANK: Hard to say.

REX: Sometimes I get so damn frustrated. I'm a working man, for Christ's sake. If I'm not working, I go crazy. I drink too damn much.

 

(They drink.)

 

REX: I'm not big on patience, you know?

FRANK: I hear you. Neither was your dad.

REX: I guess not.

FRANK: In the old days, when your dad and I got laid off, the town wasn't safe. I was a little crazy then myself.

REX: You still do pretty good.

FRANK: You should've seen me in the old days.

REX: Dad raise more hell than I do?

FRANK: I'd call it even. Like father, like son.

REX: Shit ...

FRANK: You want to head back?

REX: I want to scream.

FRANK: So scream.

 

(A pause.)

 

REX: Shit, Frank. Where's it all end?

FRANK: Your guess is as good as mine.

REX: Goddamn it to hell anyway!

FRANK: I hear you, buddy. Hear you loud and clear.

 

(They drink. BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Four

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Joy in the neutral area.)

 

JOY: When Annie told me she was going to visit Cindy in India, I thought, Yes, maybe Annie can talk sense to her in a way that I can't. Cindy was her father's daughter but Annie was more like me — more deliberate and practical in her view of the world. If anyone could talk sense to Cindy, it would be Annie.

Needless to say, I was wrong. The power those people have over young minds! When Annie returned, I saw in an instant that something had happened to her over there. She had this look in her eye, a look divorced from intelligence and self-awareness. She looked like a blissful zombie. She couldn't be talked to, a conversation was quite beyond her power. All she could speak were platitudes about Swami Cretin.

Then Cindy was hit by a car. I went to India immediately.

India was a nightmare. The heat and humidity were insufferable, the streets of Bombay were filthy and the air stank with smoke from the crematorium. It was like going to another planet. Everywhere you turned there were beggars, old men and women and even children, some of them maimed, all of them pathetic and filthy, pleading for handouts with shrill cries of "Ma, Ma!"

The weeks and months after returning were the worst in my life. I was drinking too much, my teaching suffered. And then Swami Cretin came to Oregon. Well, there's karma for you.

I knew we'd have our confrontation. I didn't know when or how, but I knew it was going to happen.

 

(LIGHTS RISE full on tavern, as Swami approaches Joy. Ma is knitting. Stella is behind the bar. Margie sits.)

 

SWAMI: At last we can talk.

JOY: I've tried talking to you.

SWAMI: There is a time for silence. And a time for language.

JOY: There's a time for exposing what you're really about.

SWAMI: I know how you feel. I used to feel that way myself.

JOY: You know nothing about how I feel.

SWAMI: I was not always a guru. I used to teach at University, like you do.

JOY: How do you know that?

SWAMI: Cindy told me. She was very fond of you. She wanted you to understand her.

JOY: What I understand is that you brainwashed her.

SWAMI: You think I did that?

JOY: It's not an opinion. It's a fact.

SWAMI: When I taught at University, I also looked at the gurus in my country as fakes, as tricksters out to prey on the gullible lost souls who are everywhere. I was a blind skeptic like yourself. But then a marvelous thing happened. I woke up one morning with eyesight! I quit University the same day.

JOY: I know what you're about, Swami Cretin.

SWAMI: You feel so much anger.

JOY: Of course I'm angry! I lost both my daughters to your lies.

SWAMI: You think you feel anger because your daughters are gone. But no one is gone. The form of life changes only. The reality is immortal.

JOY: Your mystical mumbo-jumbo won't work with me. Cindy is dead.

SWAMI: Cindy's karma took her on many journeys, as it continues to do now and in the future, and in one of those journeys you were blessed to play the role of her mother. You should celebrate your good fortune, not grieve for what was inevitable.

JOY: Don't mock my grief! Cindy would be alive today except for you.

SWAMI: You don't feel grief for Cindy.

JOY: Cindy is dead! Of course I feel grief.

SWAMI: The grief you feel is for yourself. And why should you grieve for yourself? Because you didn't love your daughter fully when it was possible to. If you'd loved her fully, unconditionally, during the accident of your role as mother, then all your energies would have been dissipated in that great total love.

JOY: You know nothing about love. You don't even respect human life.

MA: They don't understand, Swami. Let's return to the ashram.

SWAMI: Not yet, Ma.

JOY: The only thing I regret is not stopping you from brainwashing anyone else.

SWAMI: I've been thinking about our meeting. First Cindy comes to India and then I meet you and Ann here. This is significant.

JOY: I'm going to expose your mystical mumbo-jumbo for the crap it really is. There is no karma. There is no spiritual journey. There is life — right here and now. Breath! Heart beat! When it ends, we are dead. We are gone from the earth forever. Period.

SWAMI: You have such a small mind. You think in a prison.

JOY: It's impossible to talk to you, isn't it? You think you have a monopoly on the truth.

SWAMI: The truth is not in me. The truth is in you.

JOY: Then why do you have so many disciples kissing your feet?

SWAMI: I have nothing to do with this. For the past month, I've been telling my followers the truth every day. I say, "You are going in the wrong direction when you come to me. Go inward, into yourself. Go home!" I tell them this, and they all nod. But no one goes home! It usually takes many months for them to understand the truth. Then they leave and tell people that I am a fraud. At last, they aren't using me for a crutch! They've made a beginning! This makes me very happy.

JOY: You stand there and expect me to believe you want your followers to go home? You are so goddamn clever ...

SWAMI: I tell them they can stay on the ashram for as long as they like. But this is a vacation on the spiritual journey.

JOY: I'll agree with you on one thing. I knew we were going to meet again. And when we did, I was going to silence you once and for all.

SWAMI: I just ended a vow of silence.

JOY: You goddamn charlatan. As long as you didn't talk, no one could show you up.

SWAMI: There is a time for silence. And a time for language.

JOY: You talk in circles.

SWAMI: See? The truth is in you!

JOY: You know why I wanted to see you again? To shoot you. I have a gun in my purse.

SWAMI: Then use it.

JOY: You think I won't?

SWAMI: It's irrelevant whether you do or not.

STELLA: I don't allow threats like that in my tavern, lady. Now sit down and behave yourself.

 

(Joy sits. Billy enters, dressed as Santa Claus but not wearing his beard.)

 

BILLY: If you promise not to tell anyone, Santa can use a drink. Where's Rex? I see he brought the car back.

STELLA: I'm not sure what's going on.

 

(Ma gathers her things to leave.)

 

SWAMI: Sit down, Ma.

MA: They understand nothing.

SWAMI: But now I understand ...

 

(Swami approaches Joy again.)

 

JOY: Don't you know when to leave well enough alone?

SWAMI: Another thing they don't understand at the ashram is that I'm not their guru. It's not for the student to pick the teacher. How can the student know what he needs? The guru chooses the disciple and not vice-versa. This is always the way.

JOY: Don't press your luck ...

SWAMI: Yet gurus do not consciously choose their students either. Events reveal their students to them. This is my revelation just now. This is why Cindy came to India and talked so much about you. This is why Ann came here today, so that you would follow her. Everything is happening according to its karma. Everything has been arranged for this moment of revelation.

 

(A pause.)

 

SWAMI: I am your guru!

JOY: You! ... are not! ... my guru!

SWAMI: I don't like it any better than you do. But I'm your guru.

JOY: You are no one's guru! You, Swami Cretin, are a fake, and if I'm the only one in this room who knows it, at least there is someone — me! — who isn't being brainwashed.

SWAMI: It's incredible, Ma. I'm this lady's guru! But why me? Life is such a joke!

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Five

 

(LIGHTS RISE on Margie in neutral area.)

 

MARGIE: All of a sudden everybody's worried about the meaning of life. I don't understand it. You're supposed to live life, not try to figure it out.

Course, I believe the way I was brought up to believe, same as my parents.

The meaning of life? I'll tell you a little meaning of life ...

Rex comes in this morning at five, smelling like a brewery and full of romance. My first impulse was to kick him out of the house. But Rex has my number, I'll hand that to him, he sure knows how to sweet-talk ol' Margie.

So his sweet-talking finally gets me interested and then the son-of-a-bitch is too damn drunk to get it up!

Now there's some goddamn meaning of life!

 

(BLACKOUT.)

 

 

Scene Six

 

(LIGHTS RISE in the tavern. We hear the closing chorus of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on the jukebox.)

 

(Joy goes to the ladies' room. Swami sits cross-legged on the floor, meditating. Ma is knitting. Stella is behind the bar. Billy and Margie sit at the bar.)

 

(The song ends.)

 

BILLY: Guy who wrote that is a millionaire.

 

(Ann, Rex and Frank enter.)

 

ANN: Is my mother here?

STELLA: She's in the can.

REX: (about Swami) What's he doing?

STELLA: I think he's meditating.

REX: What for?

STELLA: Mill workers drink beer, swamis meditate. It's the nature of things.

MARGIE: Have a nice time in Portland?

REX: I'm in no mood for wisecracks, Margie.

ANN: Is there a motel around here?

STELLA: Down the highway about two miles.

ANN: Do you think they have a vacancy?

STELLA: They haven't been full up in years.

 

(Rex approaches Swami, stares at him, then takes the Swami's blue cowboy hat and puts it on his head, trading his baseball cap for it. He goes back to the bar.)

 

ANN: Why did you do that?

REX: Just being neighborly. I don't take just anybody's hat.

BILLY: No trouble, Rex.

REX: I don't know, Sheriff Billy — I've never been arrested by Santa Claus before.

 

(Frank goes to Rex and removes the cowboy hat.)

 

REX: What do you think you're doing?

 

(A stand off: then Frank removes his baseball cap and puts it on Rex. A tense pause.)

 

REX: (laughing) Get asshole here a beer on me.

 

(Frank goes to Swami and puts the cowboy hat back on him. He puts on Rex's baseball cap.)

 

(Joy returns from the rest room.)

 

JOY: I wasn't sure you were coming back.

ANN: Just long enough to find a motel. Goodbye, mother.

JOY: Annie! Let's enjoy a little bit of Christmas together.

ANN: We have nothing to talk about.

 

(She starts out.)

 

JOY: Annie!

ANN: We can't talk until you accept me as I am. Goodbye, mother.

 

(She moves again to leave but is stopped by:)

 

SWAMI: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BILLY: What's the problem here?

REX: What the hell's the matter with you?

SWAMI: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Everything is foolishness!

Everything is pride!

Everything is ego!

Everything is blindness!

The eyes do not see!

The ears do not hear!

The nose does not smell!

The tongue does not taste!

The mouth only is alive with speaking!

Everything is speaking, speaking, speaking!

Speaking and pride and ego and foolishness!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

(Ma has approached Swami with a glass of water, which she now throws in his face. Swami is immediately silent. He looks around. He slowly gets up. All eyes are fixed on him.)

 

SWAMI: I feel like the center of attention!

You are asking yourself, What was that all about? I'll be expounding on the significance of what you've just witnessed in my lecture tonight. Usually we charge outsiders two dollars and fifty cents — but all of you can come free. A Christmas present from Swami Kree!

(To Joy) And you — it would make my job so much easier if you came to stay at the ashram.

JOY: You're insane.

ANN: If there's a vacancy, I could make much better use of it than she can.

SWAMI: Ann, I cannot choose my students. Events choose them for me.

ANN: She doesn't even believe in you.

SWAMI: If you want to live on the ashram, Ann, then come. Perhaps this is the only way you'll understand that I am not the truth. You are the truth.

JOY: You goddamn charlatan!

SWAMI: It is common for the student to reject the guru. This is further proof of the guru's obligation.

JOY: You are not my guru!

SWAMI: We'll see. Good people, I've enjoyed meeting you all. We're neighbors! I hope to see you at my lecture tonight. Shall I make reservations?

 

(No reply.)

 

SWAMI: No reservations? Good! There are enough fools listening to me already. The truth is not in me. The truth is in you.

JOY: If the truth's in me, Swami Cretin, I'm here to tell everyone you're a fake!

SWAMI: (ignoring this) Ann, you can ride with me to the ashram if you like.

ANN: I have my car. I'll follow you.

SWAMI: Good people, Merry Christmas to all!

 

(Swami, Ma and Ann exit. Joy follows quickly behind. At the doorway, she takes a gun from her purse and fires once, outside. A scream from Ma.)

 

STELLA: (hurrying to Joy) Why don't you give me the gun, honey? I'll give you a nice cold beer on the house.

BILLY: You just sit down and relax, lady. Stella, get her that beer.

 

(Swami, Ma and Ann return. Swami is wounded in the arm.)

 

MA: Swami, please ...

SWAMI: Relax, Ma. This has to be done.

MA: We have to get you to a hospital.

SWAMI: JOY!? Where did you get such a ridiculous name? When you join the Kree, I am going to name you Smoldering Volcano.

BILLY: No trouble, Swami.

SWAMI: You're shooting in the wrong direction. The anger you feel is really for yourself.

BILLY: You'd better get that looked at.

REX: I can drive him to the hospital in the Rolls.

BILLY: Better do it.

SWAMI: Maybe "Merry Christmas" was the wrong thing to say, Ma. I need a new exit line.

 

(They start out.)

 

SWAMI: “Have a good day.”

“See you around.”

“Regards to the family.”

“Don't do anything I wouldn't do.”

 

(Swami, Ma and Rex are gone.)

 

ANN: I don't believe this, mother. (To Billy) What are you going to do with her?

BILLY: Gonna have to book her.

ANN: I just can't believe you did that.

 

(Ann is comforted by Margie and both exit.)

 

BILLY: We're gonna have to go into town, ma'am.

JOY: Can I have another beer?

BILLY: I have a Christmas show to do.

JOY: Very well.

 

(Billy starts off with Joy.)

 

STELLA: You take care of yourself, Joy. Do a good Christmas show, Billy.

BILLY: I'll be back later.

 

(Billy and Joy exit.)

 

STELLA: I need a drink.

FRANK: I can't believe she did that.

STELLA: He didn't help, egging her on like he did.

FRANK: Don't defend what she done, Stella. She could've killed him.

STELLA: When he started yelling like a lunatic, I thought of shooting him myself.

FRANK: Thinking and doing are two different things.

STELLA: He was asking for trouble.

FRANK: I think I know why he started yelling.

STELLA: I knew from the beginning — it was a stunt to get us to one of his talks.

FRANK: No, I think he has a point.

STELLA: What point is that?

FRANK: "Ahhhh!" I've felt the same way myself more than once.

STELLA: So what the hell's "ahhhh!" supposed to mean?

FRANK: It means you've got something to say but just don't know how to say it, so you say "ahhhh!" instead.

STELLA: Go play some music.

 

(Frank goes to the jukebox. Christmas music will play.)

 

STELLA: I can still sympathize with what that lady done. I'm not saying she should've shot him but, hell, there's something about that man that mixes you all up. People are so lost any more, they believe anything just for the security of it. What kind of answer is "ahhhh!"? God help us if we end up with five thousand people out on the ranch, all screaming "ahhhh!"

FRANK: You get this place full of loggers and what do you hear? Nothing but hollering. "Yahoo!" "Yehee!" "Timber!" Same difference.

STELLA: Well, if you're looking for a blue shirt, Frank, the big sales start tomorrow.

FRANK: I'm not joining up with anybody.

STELLA: And here I thought you had an ulterior motive, waking me up so early this morning.

FRANK: What motive is that?

STELLA: Think about it, Frank.

 

(A pause.)

 

STELLA: Frank, are you going to ask me to marry you or not?

FRANK: I don't know what to tell you.

STELLA: I just want to know where I stand.

FRANK: I can understand that, Stella, and I did give it some thought.

STELLA: And you decided, "ahhhh!"

FRANK: I'm too fixed in my ways. I got more bad habits than you can shake a stick at. I wake up in the morning coughing so bad I'm not fit to be near.

STELLA: I've woken up with you in the morning, Frank.

FRANK: Now and again ain't bad but regular I'd drive you crazy. You know how much I care for you, Stella, but I'm already upstairs more often than I've got a right to be.

STELLA: That's my decision, not yours.

FRANK: I'm too set in my ways. I'm a lone wolf and a born bachelor.

STELLA: Well, you finally said it! What the hell took you so long?

 

(She fetches Frank's Christmas present.)

 

STELLA: Merry Christmas, Frank. Well, open it.

FRANK: Sometimes it's hard to keep up with you ...

 

(He opens the present. It's a book, and he reads the title.)

 

FRANK: "The Confirmed Bachelor's Book of Drinkery, Cookery, and Housekeepery."

STELLA: I know you too goddamn well, Frank. It's Margie that keeps wanting us to get hitched. I like our arrangement just fine.

 

(Frank fetches Stella's gift.)

 

FRANK: Merry Christmas, Stella.

STELLA: You oughtn't've done that, being out of work.

 

(She opens it. A blue see-through nightie.)

 

STELLA: Oh my word!

FRANK: Try it on.

STELLA: Later, Frank. Come with me ...

 

(She leads him behind the bar.)

 

FRANK: You need a keg changed?

STELLA: Just go in.

 

(Frank enters a door behind the bar. Then we hear a chord on a piano. Stella is delighted. Frank returns.)

 

FRANK: Always did play better when I was drunk.

STELLA: You ought to practice sober once in a while.

FRANK: I hope you didn't pay more than you sold it for.

STELLA: I want to see you in here practicing every day.

 

(A pause.)

 

STELLA: You like it, don't you?

FRANK: Of course I do. I just don't know what to say.

STELLA: I thought that meant you were supposed to say "ahhhh!"

FRANK: Listen ... you want to dance or something?

STELLA: I'd love to dance.

 

(LIGHTS FADE TO HALF and RISE on Billy in the neutral area, dressed as Santa Claus.)

 

BILLY: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

 

(Focus changes.)

 

FRANK: Ahhhhhhhh!

STELLA: Maybe you should start your own cult and give the Swami a little competition.

FRANK: I'm a lone wolf. I belong in the woods with the rest of the wild animals.

 

(Focus changes.)

 

BILLY: And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

 

(Focus changes.)

 

FRANK: But we've already logged the woods out of wild animals and practically out of trees. Who the hell knows where it's gonna end?

STELLA: Sshh — it's Christmas.

 

(Focus changes.)

 

BILLY: And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known to us.

And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

 

(LIGHTS OFF neutral area, FULL in tavern.)

 

FRANK: Fred Ross hit it right on the money:

 

I'm in from the cold where the vine maples grow

And the dogwoods bloom in the spring.

I've been in the woods for thirty years

And I haven't accomplished a thing.

 

(Billy enters, still in part of his Santa costume. Frank and Stella stop dancing.)

 

STELLA: How'd the Christmas show go, Billy?

BILLY: Terrible. I kept thinking about that Swami. What the hell makes a guy like that tick?

STELLA: Ask Frank. He's the convert.

FRANK: I'm a lone wolf.

BILLY: Listening to him got me all mixed up. When he started yelling, I felt like yelling back at him.

FRANK: Like this? Ahhhhh!

BILLY: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

FRANK & BILLY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

STELLA: Frank? Billy?

FRANK & BILLY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

STELLA: (under the yelling) God help us all!

 

(LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT as the yelling continues. The play is over.)