Joan of Kmart: The Last Great Beast



Joan was my boss. She was amazing. I never believed in super powers until I saw Joan do her thing. She blew my friggin' mind. Ok, first, picture this: A sixty-five year old woman, stark white hair, puke-green eyes, jowls like there's no tomorrow, stout build, about five-foot-two. Insert Beelzebub, and there is Joan. She could smell you goofing off at the Fitting Room when she was at home on vacation. It was uncanny.

Example: One day I was on a long shift, eight hours. After cleaning the Fitting Room thoroughly for over an hour, I leaned proudly against the Fitting Room table. Now up until this point, I had seen Joan ONCE, when she told me what to do for the day. As soon -AS SOON- as I leaned ever so slightly on the table, Joan appeared. Kmart is designed for such things. There is an endless straightaway between the Fitting Room and the other end of the store, so that when a boss walks by, no matter where in the store, they can glance over and make sure I'm doing work. Most people walk by without looking, but Joan, ah Joan, she ALWAYS looks when she goes by, ALWAYS. So after seeing me relax on the job, Joan peels down the path towards me. I quickly begin to work, but to no avail. "Do we pay you to goof off? Is everything done here? Why don't you repackage some candy bars? Blah blah blah? Blah blah blah!" Then she's off again in a huff.

Still not convinced of her evil soul? Check out this. Joan is what the people in hell call a 'jokester'. Being male, they decided to put me in the Fashion Department. Not too illustrious for our hero Punk God, but we can deal. Ah, but Joan can't leave bad enough alone. "Jim, today why don't you clean up the Lingerie Department for your ENTIRE EIGHT HOUR SHIFT while I go in the Security Room and watch your misery from the cameras above."

AS IF THIS ISN'T ENOUGH TORTURE, not to mention having to listen to ol' Barb Striesand's greatest hits along the way, Joan would not even let me do a bad job. Halfway through my shift she whips around the corner(she always whips around corners) and yells and swears about how I can't do anything right, look right there, Jim, you put a black Whisper Soft bra on the same rack as a white Hanes Her Way bra, everything is ruined, and then she picks up the whole rack and THROWS IT ON THE GROUND. And she walks off again in a huff.

But I can't just sit here and complain about Kmart. I have to mention the good things as well. Ummmmm...Oh yeah, well the Kmart has an eatery, the KMART EATERY as they like to call it in big fat bold letters. The eatery has these really great cheeseburgs. They're kinda small, but they taste real good, I highly recommend them in case you're in Kmart to buy ingredients for a pipe bomb or something. Stop by and pick up a bite, ya can't go wrong.



This page is part of Glen L. Roberts Commentary