Thieves of Kmart: The Eternal Fear



Kmart has a big black liquid center that you only get to see if your are one of the elite, one of the special- an employee. There have these videos that they show you on your first day... They have these stories that they tell you... If you live through this, you should be able to live through anything Kmart can dish out.

It starts with 3 propaganda videos on Kmart safety and such, which slyly insert comments on how truly great Kmart really is. My personal favorite is the one about what to do if you catch someone stealing. First off: "Don't go up to the person and accuse them of stealing. Ask them if they need any help. Follow them around. If they ARE stealing, they will soon throw the object down and leave the store. If they aren't, they will simply assume your persistence is good service."

The video goes on to depict a female worker walking through Kmart cheerfully and... oh no! She sees a big fat welfare rat stuff some make-up in her purse. Now this part reminded me of Clint Eastwood movies. There is a struggle of power between the worker and the thief, and the battle takes places with their eyes. I call it the K-eye. The girl's eyes open up and turn into these throbbing red orbs of hell that pierce the darkness of the thief's mind. The welfare rat, defeated, pulls the make-up from her purse, throws it on the ground, and jets.

Another classic was when the Security Chief of Kmart lectured us new workers on the "Gypsy Scam". The man is a spitting image of Roy Orbison. I tell you, he is the mastermind behind the Kmart Radio Network- He's the one who puts "Pretty Woman" and "You Got It" on infinite repeat. Anyway, he sez about the gypsy scam:

"They will come in a pair. Usually one old woman, age 45-55, and one younger girl, 18-25. They will come to the register with a small item, such as a pack of gum or a candy bar. The old woman will pull a large sum of money from her purse and start to speak in a foreign language. The younger girl will tell you the old woman doesn't speak English. It is now that the old woman will put her money in the register and take out money, all the while saying things in a foreign language. The young girl will tell you she is getting change. In the confusion, you will not know what to do, and will try to retrieve the money the old woman took. Eventually, you will think everything is straightened out, but after the couple leaves you will check your register and find it many hundreds of dollars lighter."

I can only imagine how many stupid cashiers were ripped off by this idiotic scam before the Security people wised up. In my one exotic year working at Kmart, I didn't see Security arrest ONE person. Sure, they knew who the thieves were, but all they did was watch them walk around the store. All their cameras and walkie-talkies are useless when the thieves rip off stuff quickly and leave the store right away.

Now you know that Kmart is helpless. Fight the Establishment! Go steal something from Kmart today, and tell 'em the Punk God sent ya.



This page is part of Glen L. Roberts Commentary