Why do they act that way?

I mentioned “hand-wringing and indignation” in my previous post about a stripper’s allegations of rape against members of the recently disbanded Duke lacrosse team. These two reactions have been among the most common to the still-evolving mess–I say “still-evolving” because the DA seems determined to bolster his “street cred” with Black voters by sending the case to the grand jury despite the absence of DNA or other evidence that an assault actually occurred.

Oddly enough, the stripper apparently can’t identify anyone as an assailant, so without DNA or eye witness evidence, this rape allegation begins to look more and more spurious. I mean, some “unpleasantness” probably occurred, probably characterized by some racism and angry words, but this is starting to appear like an attempt to bend the legal system to the designs of a few interested parties–the DA and the stripper, most likely.

But back to the “hand-wringing and indignation,” the majority of which has found its nexus in the questionable behavior of the lacrosse team, a group of people who, given their many advantages, should have been capable of better. Certain facts and attitudes have emerged, such as that approximately one-third of the lacrosse players had been arrested for one or another infraction.

Speaking as one who is three times their age and who has never been arrested, I know it’s not that hard to avoid these kinds of run-ins. It is just a matter of knowing when to shut up, when to cease and desist. Those are things we were taught first in my family. Only after we had not doing things down to a science did my parents actually teach us to do things.

So, one asks, what is so different today? Why do these kids act the way they do and draw so much negative attention to themselves and their university in the process? Are they simply spoiled and undisciplined? Do they just lack that little voice in their heads that says, “You’re stepping over the line; better pull it back a little”?

Well, yes, they probably are spoiled, and more than just a little. An in-law of mine teaches high school in Garden City, Long Island, a big lacrosse hotbed and the area from which several of the Duke team members came. He has plenty of stories to tell about his students, their parents, and the overall permissive attitude he has to deal with all the time. He understands the sense of privilege and entitlement these kids seem to exhibit, too. You don’t need to travel to Garden City to find this phenomenon, however; it’s found all over the country.

Oddly enough, that sense of entitlement is one of the things effective coaches try to instill in their teams if they are to have any hope of success at the higher levels. Coaches have many ways of spinning it, but teams must feel that they deserve championships or they will never win them. Many young athletes have that sense of entitlement but understand that it only extends to their activities on the court or field. Beyond that, they also understand that their power and influence confer more responsibility upon them, not less. Most of the lacrosse team knows this, no doubt–the unarrested, calm, and focused team members, the ones we never hear about.

What about the others, the rowdy troublemakers? Well, having coached for many years myself, I developed a theory about them. It traces back to the way we parent and educate in this country and the strange emphasis we put on self-esteem in both of those processes.

Now, I know I will lose many readers with this idea. Many will tune out because they sense I am about to launch into a lengthy discussion of the importance of instilling self-esteem into our kids for their long-term mental health. Others will tune out because I seem ready not to bolster their faith in the importance of instilling self-esteem in our kids. I guess that’s the way it goes when you’re in the middle of the road: You get hit from both sides.

But in this case anyway, I am just focusing on the unrealistic attitude we have about this particular psychological trait, first by thinking it is something we can give to our kids, and second by attempting to do so as if something really depended upon it. I personally believe that the best we can do is provide opportunities for kids to earn self-esteem. If it is something we give them, then it is something we can take away from them, and at some level, they understand that. If they earn it, it’s theirs, and they understand that, too.

The real error we make is thinking that having self-esteem, in and of itself, actually makes people better, happier individuals. Happier, maybe, but some of the worst people I have ever known were bursting with self-esteem, so much so that they rarely examined their own actions, seldom admitted mistakes in such a way as to learn from them and thereby become better people. Prisons are packed with people who think they’re just a whole lot better, smarter, and more entitled than the chumps on the outside.

But the mistake we make by falsely trying to instill self-esteem with easily won awards and heaps of unearned praise is that many young people realize it’s all a bunch of hot air and begin to look for other ways to prove that they actually are as good as we say. This can take many forms, but I have seen it play out in the following negative way too many times: The young athlete–and this is much more common in athletes than other kids–starts to push the boundaries of proper behavior to see how much they can get away with. This is not unusual, but the trick they want to pull off is to do so and still not be rejected from the team or other social unit.

If they succeed in being a big pain in everyone’s neck without actually paying the price for it, they take it–ironically–as undeniable proof of how good they are. The reasoning runs as follows: If I can misbehave and still be welcomed on the team, still start every game, still win every award, I must really be good; otherwise the adults in charge would just get rid of me for the trouble I cause.

That’s the only way I can explain the behavior we all have witnessed in this and other contexts. Being good, or just decent, is just not that hard. Much of the “bad” behavior we see from this kind of individual simply isn’t all that fun in itself. These are not the kinds of thing people would do in solitude as a form of enjoyable pastime. It is obviously done for effect, and this is how it makes sense.

We have no trouble acknowledging that something must be driving these people to act this way, perhaps something deeply psychological. The hard part is admitting that the cause may be something we’re doing in the way we raise them, something we’re doing in the mistaken belief that we’re helping them.

Having been an educator and coach for more years than I’d like to admit, I have seen ample evidence that raising our kids with standards, limits and clear consequences for misbehavior does not do them any injury. Sure, they occasionally have to deal with falling short of expectations–they may even have occasions when they feel pretty bad about themselves–but it is through this process that kids learn how to attain excellence and earn their way in the world. That is the greater gift, the one I wish we’d focus on more than the illusory one of unearned self-esteem.

EDIT: Overheard in New York is a great read most days. This post really sums up what I am talking about. Pretty funny, too.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *