National Toilet Day? Not nearly grandiose enough!

[Edit:  Dang, I missed the 19th by eleven minutes!  Oh, well.]

Today is a memorable day in human history, we’re told. The World Toilet Organization has declared it National Toilet Day.  The WTO (not that one, this one) seems to want to pull a straight face as they do so, though.  They would remind us, rather gravely, of the filth in which we would live were it not for the “porcelain convenience” to which most of us in the western world have become accustomed.  Talk about serious; organizers delivered speeches Wednesday on the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol.  The U.S. is even using a shuttle mission to deliver a new toilet to the international space station. The toilet is really making headlines (did I say that?).

The straight face might betray itself with a few wry creases as the organizers state that the WTO “has been striving to elevate the status of toilets to make  them status symbols and objects of desire.”

Or maybe they are not grinning behind this facade; maybe they are sincere.  Maybe these fellas just ain’t been around that much.  But object of desire?  I mean, I have seen some smooth curves on a nicely turned out commode in my time, but I never really had any desire for them, not the way I might harbor lust for, say, my girl Scarlett Johansson [2][3].

Of course, upon reflection, I am contributing to the cause in my own small way.  We are all enjoined on their Web site to “BLOG about the cause November 19th, and write an article why we all deserve better.”  That last part is something I can really get behind (did I say that?).  I think I, at least, deserve better.  Oh, my toilet is fine; I’m talkin’ ’bout my girl Scarlett again.

Some of their other injunctions give me pause, however; especially their references to “toilet etiquette.”  This is where the Web site perhaps overdoes the whole  injunctions thing.  Take the one that says, “Aim right and wipe the seat.” I mean, c’mon. I am not against a little reasonable courtesy for one’s fellow humans, but I would say that anyone who has to hear it from this Web site is probably beyond that particular pale and beyond redemption.

But don’t get me started on the bathroom wars fought in most American households.  Women seem to want to come and go to the bathroom without exerting themselves in the slightest, especially at night.  They want to stumble in half-asleep in the dark, squat, pee, and go their ways without ever touching any part of the (probably poisonous) toilet or bending their backs to raise or lower a seat or lid.  Meanwhile, speaking of injunctions, the men of the house are supposed to turn on the lights, raise the seat, pee, and then lower the seat again because, we’re told, the porcelain is “cold in the middle of the night.”

Damn right it is.  Turn on the light and check what you’re sitting on, Sweetheart.

Apparently, this is too much effort for the fair sex.  But that brings us to the question, what is the native state of the toilet?  As compendious and authoritative as the WTO site seems to be, it fails to answer this key question.  I would posit that the designers, in their early morning, revelatory dreams, saw the toilet with both the seat and lid in the down position.  I could go along with this.  It is the only fair solution.  That way, male and female alike have a few inconveniences attendant to their bathroom missions.  As convenient as it is to go right there in your own house, these seem like small sacrifices to make.

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