Subject: A logical argument for DRLs

From: [email-masked] (firebug)
Date: 28 Sep 1995 00:41:11 GMT

I live in Florida, and all these Canadians come down here, I guess they want
to see what it is like to see the ground without snow on it. But they keep
hitting me! So far, I've been run into over 3,000 times in my car! It's
always during daytime. Some days I get hit by Canadians 30 or 40 times. I've
also been hit by them when walking on the sidewalk over 400 times. My dog
has been hit 7000 times because he is COMPLETELY INVISIBLE WITHOUT HIS CRL
(Canine Running Lights). Canadians have driven into my living room over
50,000 times because without its LRRL (Living Room Running Lights) it CANNOT
BE SEEN BY MERE SUNLIGHT ALONE.

These Canadians have caused over $100,000,000,000 in damage to me, my house,
my dog, and my cars. I pay over $5,000,000 per year in insurance for my
Yugo. It has NO VALUE WHATSOEVER BUT THE MONEY IS NEEDED TO COVER THE COST
OF ITS AIRBAG. This is singlehandedly destroying the US economy. I NEED DRLs
FOR MY CAR SO THE CANADIANS STOP RUNNING INTO ME. I also need HRLs (Human
Running Lights) for my person so that they stop running off the road onto
me. MY DOG NEEDS HIS CRL AND MY LIVING ROOM NEEDS ITS LRRL!

I am also campaigning heavily for a state law to be enacted forcing all
roads, curbs, sidewalks, sign posts, trees, telephone poles, and all other
objects on the side of the road to be illuminated with SORLs (Stationary
Object Running Lights). The estimated cost of this would be
$50,000,000,000,000,000 (50 Quadrillion dollars), which I suggest be
acquired by the invasion of Canada.

The power to run this system would be minimal. I estimate that it would be
on the order of 500 zettawatts. In one year, it would take less than the
nuclear energy contained in 175,200,000,000,000 kg of matter. By contrast,
the Earth has a mass on the order of 10^24 kg. Of course we have no way to
get the energy from this matter as of yet, but since it's just taking up
space, we'd might as well get rid of it.

As you can clearly see, this is a safe, economical, and reasonable solution
to keep people from CRASHING INTO STUFF IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

I also envision a future where we will have ERL (Earth Running Lights). In
fact, it is theorized that the origin of the Sun is in fact an ancient
Canadian civilization (if you can call what Canadians do civilized) that was
turned to a ball of fire in an attempt to keep people from RUNNING INTO EACH
OTHER IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. And clearly it has worked. Fatal car accidents on
the Sun are virtually nonexistant.

I support my argument with this quote from the Bible:

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was
without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the
Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be
light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God
divided the light from the darkness. - Genesis 1:1-4

Darkness, of course, refers to daytime without DRLs. Light, which is Good,
refers to daytime with DRLs and to nighttime. The division of light and
darkness is the US-Canada border. "Let there be light" Is of course ordering
the Canadians to invade the US and force DRLs upon us all. But WE are the
superior people! WE will invade THEM and impose OUR lights on THEIR country.
BIGGER lights. BETTER lights. BRIGHTER lights. Lights powered by COLD
FUSION.