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Re: Another Friday funny (and nothing about a pink dress either)



Please forgive the somewhat humerous post, but it is Friday and it seems
to apply.


SOME HELPFUL ROMANCE ADVICE
>
>In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "make the woman
happy".  Do
> something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points
> are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something  she expects.
>Sorry, that's the way the game is played!  Here's a guide to the point
>system:
>
> SIMPLE DUTIES:
> You make the bed (+1)
> You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
> You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
> You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
> When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
> When  the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
> You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
> ......but return with beer (-5)
> You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
> ..and it's nothing (0)
> ...and it's something (+5)
> ......you pummel it with a six iron (+10)
> .........it's her father (-10)
>
> SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
> You stay by her side the entire party (0)
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a  college
> drinking buddy (-2)
> ....named Tiffany (-4)
> .......Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
> ..........Tiffany has implants (-8)
> When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
> When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and  pat her on
>the rump (-5)
> When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
>she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
> ...you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)
> ......that woman is her sister (-90)
>You have one drink and that's it (0)
>You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
>You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
>
> SATURDAY AFTERNOON:
> You go to the mall together (+3)
> You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the  car (+4)
> You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar
>(-2)
> You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend  to like it (+3)
>
> You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a  sectional (0)
> You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk  (+3)
> ..most of it chips and beer (-6)
> You tackle a large household  project, such as painting the den (+15)
>
>..or refinishing the  floors (+16)
> .....or rewiring the basement (+17)
> .......or adding a  second floor (+18)
> .........or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the  bathroom wastebasket (-6)
> ......and you're tickled pink about it  (-15)
> You visit her parents (0)
> You visit her parents and actually  make conversation (+3)
> You visit her parents and stare vacantly at  the TV (-3)
> ...and the TV is off (-6) You spend the afternoon  watching college
> football in your underwear (-6)
> ....and you didn't  even go to college (-10)
> ........and it's not your underwear (-15)
>
> HER BIRTHDAY
> You take her out to dinner (0)
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
> ...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
> ......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)
> .........and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team(-10)
>
> You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and
>sing (+4)
> ...if you stink (+2)
> .....if you're not half bad (+5)
> ......if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause
>(-2)
> ...You give her a gift (0)
> ......it's a small appliance (-10)
> ........it's not a small appliance (+1)
> ..............it's not chocolate (+2)
> ................it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30)
> You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
> .....with her credit card (-30)
> ........and it's two sizes too big (-40)
>
> THOUGHTFULNESS
> You forget her birthday completely (-120)
> ..You forget your anniversary (-30)
> ....You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
> .......which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)
> ..........and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)
>
> A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
> Go out with a pal (-5)
> ..and the pal is happily married (-4)
> ....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)
> ......and he drives a Mustang (-10)
> ..........with a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
> You have a few beers (-9)
> ..and miss curfew by an hour (-12)
> .....and you didn't call (-20)
> You get home at 3 am (-30)
> ...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
> ......and not wearing any pants (-50)
> .........is that a tattoo?!? (-200)
>
>  HER NIGHT OUT:
> You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work(+5)
> She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she  comes home late
>(+10)
> ...you wait up (+15)
> .....She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)
>
> A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER:
> You take her to a movie (+2)
> ...a movie she likes (+4)
> .....a movie you hate (+6)
> .......a movie you like (-6)
> .........it's called "DeathCop 3" (-3)
> ............which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
> ...............you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
>
> A NIGHT AT HOME:
> You watch TV together (0)
> You rent a movie (+2)
> ...it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3)
> .....you stay awake throughout (+5)
> .......you fall asleep (-1)
> ........you fall asleep and drool (-2)
>
>  FLOWERS:
> You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
> You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
> You  give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
> ....and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
>
> YOUR PHYSIQUE
> You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
> ...and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
> ........and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
>
> FINANCES
> You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
> ...something she can't use (-10)
> ......such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
> .........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
>
> DRIVING
> You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
> ...and end up getting lost (-10)
> ......in a bad part of town (-15)
> .........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)
> ............and you know them (-60)
>
> THE BIG QUESTION
> She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
> (sensitive questions always start with  a deficit)
> ........you hesitate in responding (-10)
> ...........You reply, "Where?" (-35)
>
> COMMUNICATION
> When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
>like a concerned expression (0)
> When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
> ...without looking at the TV (+10)
> ......she realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
>
>

"Kurilecz, Peter" wrote:
>
> The following comes from one of my brothers (really). Hopefully it will get
> the archivists off of the pink dress thread and provide a chuckle to  the
> rest of
>
> In an attempt to help women better understand the men that they are with
> ...
>
> 1. "I'M GOING FISHING":
> Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a
> boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
> safety."
>
> 2. "IT'S A GUY THING"
> Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
> have no chance at all of making it logical".
>
> 3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
> Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
>
> 4. "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY" or alternately "YES, DEAR"
> Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
>
> 5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
> Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
>
> 6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY
> MIND."
> Translated: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
>
> 7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
> Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
>
> 8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
> Translated: "Are you still talking?"
>
> 9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
> Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
> first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every
> car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
>
> 10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
> Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
>
> 11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
> Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
> before I admit that I'm hurt."
>
> 12. "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
> Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
>
> 13. "I CAN'T FIND IT."
> Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm
> completely clueless."
>
> 14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
> Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
>
> 15. "I HEARD YOU."
> Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
> hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
> the next 3 days
> yelling at me."
>
> 16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
> Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could
> be worse."
>
> 17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
> Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
> starving."
>
> 18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
> Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
>
> Peter A. Kurilecz CRM, CA
> Manager, Records Management
> Woodside Summit Group, Inc
> Richmond, Virginia
> Tel: 804-744-1247 extension 23
> Fax: 804-744-4947
> mailto:peter.kurilecz@woodsidesummitgroup.com
>
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>
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>
> Problems?  Send e-mail to Robert F Schmidt <rschmidt@lib.muohio.edu>

A posting from the Archives & Archivists LISTSERV List!

To subscribe or unsubscribe, send e-mail to listserv@listserv.muohio.edu
      In body of message:  SUB ARCHIVES firstname lastname
                    *or*:  UNSUB ARCHIVES
To post a message, send e-mail to archives@listserv.muohio.edu

Or to do *anything* (and enjoy doing it!), use the web interface at
     http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/archives.html

Problems?  Send e-mail to Robert F Schmidt <rschmidt@lib.muohio.edu>