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early Friday Funny - Reply to British
Since the original British Revocation of American Independence appeared
here a while back, I thought some of you might be interested in the
following reply. It is, of course, filled with the usual American hubris
and preening - enjoy!! :) ttfn - Jill.
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To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must
be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if
from a distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint
belief that you are actually a world power.
The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer of
intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to
see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you
that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power).
After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our
tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that
switching to a monarchy is, in fact, considered a "backwards step" by
the majority of the world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic
status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope
you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
"aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage
the
name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other
elements. In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the
original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the
aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of
actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a
Frenchman (not an Englishman). We would, however, like to thank you
for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection,
considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were
submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called
Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own
movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked
"Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full
Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one
good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However,
you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that
front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
whenever your monarch dies. Let's also not forget that your national
anthem
has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that "Rule
Brittania"
ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
Olympics.
United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro
2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having
your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food
in
your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts
are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally
realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan, they'll teach you how to
cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error
is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is
pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England
than
to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston
Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
soap operas.
p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
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