[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]

early Friday Funny - Reply to British



Since the original British Revocation of American Independence appeared
here a while back, I thought some of you might be interested in the
following reply.  It is, of course, filled with the usual American hubris
and preening - enjoy!!  :)    ttfn - Jill.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must
be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if
from a distance.  As always, we're amused by your quaint
belief that you are actually a world power.
The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer of
intervention.  On the other hand, it would be amusing to
see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you
that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power).
After much deliberation, we have decided to  continue our
tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It  seems that
switching to a monarchy is, in fact, considered a "backwards  step" by
the majority of the world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic

status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope
you adopt:

  1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
  always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.  Let's use your
  "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
 name  "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal.  However, in common usage
the
  name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other
  elements.  In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the
 original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the
  aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of
  actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a
 Frenchman (not an Englishman).  We would, however, like to thank you
for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection,
considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were
 submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called
Dr. William Charles Minor.

  2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
  we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

  3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
 97.85 = 2.15)

  4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own
  movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked
  "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full
  Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one
  good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However,
  you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that
  front.

  5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
  whenever your monarch dies. Let's also not forget that your national
anthem
 has  an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that "Rule
Brittania"
  ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
  Wind" again for you guys.

  6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
 United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
Olympics.
  United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro
  2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having
 your fans start an international incident.

  7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
 Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food
in
 your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts
 are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally
 realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan, they'll teach you how to
cook.

  8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error
 is  that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is
 pricing,   it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England
than
  to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston
  Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

  9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

  Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
  soap operas.

  p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

A posting from the Archives & Archivists LISTSERV List!

To subscribe or unsubscribe, send e-mail to listserv@listserv.muohio.edu
      In body of message:  SUB ARCHIVES firstname lastname
                    *or*:  UNSUB ARCHIVES
To post a message, send e-mail to archives@listserv.muohio.edu

Or to do *anything* (and enjoy doing it!), use the web interface at
     http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/archives.html

Problems?  Send e-mail to Robert F Schmidt <rschmidt@lib.muohio.edu>